Truth

We're all Winners, Deep Inside

2005-11-27T18:00:00.000-08:00

November 27th (even later): That's all, folks

2005-11-27T17:55:00.000-08:00

“Amy?” I jog up and fall into step next to her. “Hey.”

She grins up at me. “Hey.”

“Ty and I are meeting for coffee after school... You remember Ty Graham?”

She nods.

“I wondered if you wanted to come. As a friend.” I hold my breath. This is the moment that could fuck up everything. Does she just want to be friends? Or does she think we’re more?

But her face lights up. “That’s so sweet!” She smiles. “Nobody will even talk to me these days. I mean, I know I screwed up pretty bad before I left, but... Forgiveness, you know?” She rolls her eyes.

I laugh. “Exactly. So, are you coming?”

She nods. “Yeah. That sounds good.”

“Good.” I smile, nodding slowly. “That’s good.”

* * *

“Crap-free coffee. This chick will fit in,” Ty remarks, grinning.

Amy laughs. “I never order coffee I can’t pronounce.”

I empty a packet of sugar into my own mug and stir. “I still maintain that it tastes better when you can’t taste it.”

“So have you and Garrett kissed and made up yet?” I ask Ty.

He glances at Amy and raises his eyebrows.

“Garrett Johnson. Ty’s boyfriend. Keep it hush hush, or... I don’t really know what,” I explain.

Amy winks and nods. “Got it.”

Ty sighs. “And I thought I was going to have an excuse not to talk about it.” He stirs his coffee and stares at the table. “It’s stupid, because I’m the one who’s mad at him, and I want it to end. But I guess I’m waiting for him to make the move to end it.”

“If I did that to Alice you’d be kicking me,” I point out.

He shrugs. “I know. I should tell him that I’m not mad, I love him, whatever... Just get things back to normal. But part of me wants to see him grovel.” He looks up at me cautiously. “Is that totally awful of me, or...”

“It makes sense,” Amy interrupts. We both glance at her. “To me, at least. I guess... I mean, you forgive him, but he didn’t really do anything to deserve you forgiving him. So you want him to work for it, even if it’s already there.”

Ty nods. “Exactly.”

“I still think you’re being a dick,” I inform him, shrugging.

He rolls his eyes. “Probably. But it’s a fundamental human right... Everyone gets to be a dick, sometimes.”

I grin, glancing at Amy. “He thinks he’s Confucius or something. But we love him anyway.”

She laughs, smiling down into her coffee. “I missed you,” she says finally, biting her lip. “The way things used to be. Before I fucked everything up.”

“Yeah,” I agree, nodding slowly. “So did I.”

“We were more like friends, then,” she says, peering up at me shyly.

“And that’s good,” Ty interrupts, grinning. “Because the last thing you two need is more sex.”

I kick him under the table. He kicks back. And all three of us are laughing, grinning. It’s not so hard, anymore, to just be happy.

* * *

Ty grips my hand, hard, in his fingers. “You’re a crazy bastard,” he says between gritted teeth. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

I reach out with my free hand and ring the doorbell. “You know, when he sees you gripping my hand like a scared little girl, it probably won’t go over too well...”

“Shut up,” Ty retorts. But he lets go.

Garrett pulls open the door. He looks at me first, then Ty. “Hey,” he says softly.

“X made me come,” Ty says, staring at the ground. “Says that avoiding the situation is a clever... I forget what he said. Something retarded like that.”

Garrett smiles, turning to me. “Thank you,” he mouths. Then he raises his eyebrows. “Do you guys... Want to... You know... Come in?”

I laugh to myself at their mutual awkwardness as Ty shuffles shyly into the house.

Garrett shuts the door behind us, then motions to the couches in the next room. We follow him silently. He sits on the sofa on the left, Ty and I take the one on the right.

They stare nervously at one another for a moment. Then Garrett takes a shaky breath. “Look, I shouldn’t have... You know.” He sighs. “I’m a dickhole, okay? I shouldn’t have pressured you. Or called you afraid. Or... Talked about your father.”

Ty bites his lip.

“It’s not my place to criticize you if you’re not ready,” he says softly. “And... You don’t have to be ready. I’m not going to leave you just because you know what you want.” He forces a smile. “I’d rather just sit around and talk with you than have sex with someone else. You’re... I love you, okay? That’s bigger than sex.”

Ty looks up at him, then glances at me. “This is so awkward.”

I laugh awkwardly. “Sorry. I’ll go.”

But Ty shakes his head, grabbing my arm. “No. Stay.” He pulls me back down. “Please.” He sighs, turning back to Garrett. “I know you didn’t mean it. You were drinking, and you were upset... Things happen, you know?” He bites his lip. “I just wish... You made me feel so stupid, you know? Like some little kid.”

“You’re not --” Garrett interrupts, but Ty shushes him.

“I guess I was worried that you would think I was immature, for not wanting to have sex with you, and then when you accused me of being ‘fake gay’ or whatever... It hurt.” He shrugs. “I felt like you thought I wasn’t good enough, just because I wasn’t ready to sleep with you.”

Garrett sighs. “God, man, I would never have... I can’t believe I said that shit. It was wrong. I was wrong. You were just being you, as in you, as in the person I love the most in the world and... I was stupid, to not accept that.” He bites his lip. “If you’re not ready, that’s okay. I love you. Sex or not.”

Ty smiles weakly. “Yeah. I know.”

I stare at my hands. “See, y’all are so sweet when you make up. Honestly. Someday you’ll have killer make up sex.”

Ty pegs a throw pillow at me. “You are such an asshole.”

But he’s smiling. And I think he’ll be okay.

* * *

“Go away,” she says tiredly.

I stick my foot in the door. She slams it anyway. “Shit, Alice!”

“I warned you,” she says, smiling sweetly. “Really, X. Go away. It’s just annoying now. I’m sick of it. Good-bye.”

“Remember when we were younger, and we fought all the time?” I say suddenly.

She stares at me warily through the crack in the door, but she doesn’t try to close it.

“The teachers used to have to tear us off of each other. We were always fighting. Pulling hair. Crying. Name calling.”

And I can see it in her eyes. She’s remembering.

“And then we got older, and it was less hair pulling and scratching and more words. Just words. And it was worse. We stayed mad longer.” I bite my lip. “But eventually, we’d make up. Eventually.”

She crosses her arms. I push the door open slowly, cautiously. It creaks on its hinges.

“I never told you about a lot of things. You never told me about a lot of things. We kept secrets. We were each afraid... Of what the other one would say.”

Alice shakes her head. “If this is just your way of trying to get me...”

“No!” I protest quickly. “Let me finish, okay?”

She nods reluctantly.

“We kept secrets. Because when we got into fights, we would say things we didn’t mean and... Some things were precious. Some things were sacred. So we kept the sacred things secret.”

She bites her lip. Nods. She knows it’s true.

“But we found plenty to scream about, anyway. Plenty of things to hurt one another with.” I step inside, slowly pull the door shut. “We always seemed to be fighting. We grew up fighting. But maybe... Maybe that tension was what kept us friends.”

“X, stop,” she says gently. But I shake my head.

“After Amy and I broke up... I guess I started to notice you. As more than a friend. And I think you noticed that I noticed you. I think you liked it. And when I found out about Henry.... It hurt. Because I was jealous of him, maybe. Also because I was afraid he would hurt you. But most of it was just me being jealous. And I’m sorry.”

She nods. She knew that already.

“When you asked me... To be a father... I didn’t know what to say. One minute I thought I could handle it, the next minute I had no idea how to do that. And when I found out everything about your father... When you filled in all the gaps, told me as fact what I think I had always guessed.... I was scared. That you were going to expect that of me. And it hurt... That you did.”

She closes her eyes. Sits down cautiously on the stairs.

“I was angry at you. That you would expect me to be like your father. But the more I thought about it... The more I realized that I was afraid I would be like my father. Both of us got screwed in the father department. To us... A father was someone who tore you apart.” I shrug. “That wasn’t what I wanted.”

Alice bites her lip. Massages her temples with her fingertips.

“I was angry with you, and with myself. Amy came back to town. We’d just had a fight. I took her out. I swore we weren’t even going to kiss. But I think I knew all along what was really going to happen. I think I expected it.” I sigh. “Wanted it, even.”

She cringes.

“I think I wanted to do to you... What you did to me. With Henry. Except it’s not the same, at all. I know that now. I knew that then. But love... It makes you do crazy things.” I sigh. “Stupid things.”

She nods slowly, her eyes still squeezed tightly shut.

“I swore that I didn’t care about you. That it didn’t matter. But then... When I heard that you had lit the Knoll on fire... That you had almost died...” I lean against the wall, almost drained of energy just by the thought of what could have happened. “I couldn’t believe that I had made you do that. It was so frightening to know... That you cared about what I did that much.”

Alice wraps her arms around herself, burying her face in the crook of an elbow.

“They wouldn’t let me see you. I went crazy. I didn’t know if you were okay. If the baby was okay. I was worried. Really worried. I was scared, too, and heartbroken and angry and guilty.” I sigh. “I tried to jump off the overpass.”

She knew that already. But she gasps anyway.

“I guess I’m lucky, that Ty came looking for me, that Garrett pulled me back. Because it would have been so stupid for me to die... Without having the chance to say that I’m sorry.”

She picks up her head and opens her eyes. Stares at me. She’s crying.

“I hurt you. I know I hurt you. And you hurt me. We both know that. And... I just want us to be okay again. To be... Us again.”

She nods. Slowly.

“A few days ago... Ty was saying that I had better make up with you, because I needed you. I told him I didn’t need anyone. Denial, I guess.” I laugh softly. “But then he said... That we need each other. Because I don’t understand myself. I don’t know when I’m testing you. I don’t know when I want you to go and when I want you to stay, or whether or not I’m happy or sad or angry or some jumbled up mix of all of it. And because you don’t know yourself, either. Not as well as I know you.”

She bites her lip. Looks up at me. Her eyes are swollen and red.

“I’m sorry, Alice. I’m sorry, and I need you, and.... You’re all I’ve got to lose, and I’m afraid that I did.”

She forces a smile, tears racing down her cheeks. “I must look so stupid to you, right now.”

I shake my head. “You look beautiful,” I whisper.

“I’m starting to show,” she whispers, putting a hand on her stomach. “I look fat and ugly and I’m crying and I hurt you so bad and --”

I crouch down. Press a finger to her lips. “You’re gorgeous,” I whisper.

She shakes her head. I smile. Pull my finger away. Replace it with my lips.

It’s like electricity is racing through my entire body. She brings a hand to be the back of my head. Runs it through my hair. I shiver. And then I pull away.

“Do you want to know....” She bites her lip. “What happened?”

“What?” I ask softly.

“On July seventeenth,” she explains.

I stare at her. I don’t know what to say. Don’t know what she wants me to say.

“My mother made dinner, as always,” she begins, her voice shaking. “Fish. It was fish.” She swallows, takes a deep breath. “My father... He found a bone in his. It cut the inside of his mouth. He just stared at her. At both of us. I was thirteen, then. I knew what was next.”

I close my eyes. My knees are straining from crouching for so long. But I don’t dare move.

“He stood up. Threw the plate at her. It flew an inch above her head. Shattered against the wall. She was crying. Screaming at him not to do it in front of me, please not in front of Alice. But he didn’t listen. He was angry. He kept spitting on her. Blood and fish and anger. She grabbed a rolling pin. Told him not to get any closer. Told him she was sick of it.” I open my eyes. She’s trembling. I reach out and grab her hand.

“He wrenched it out of her hand. It was quick. He didn’t hit her in the head – I guess he was afraid he’d kill her. He hit her in the stomach. Once. Twice. Three times. She was sobbing. I screamed at him that he was going to kill her. He swung again, higher. She doubled over, screaming. She started coughing. Blood came out. I was shrieking. Grabbing for his arm. He kept hitting her – her arm, this time, over and over. You could her it every time he broke a bone.”

I stare at her. Hardly able to speak. Hardly able to believe that this is the kind of thing she went through. The kind of secret that she kept.

“And then he stood back and just looked. He started crying. Telling her he didn’t mean it. That she’d have to go in the hospital. Have to say she fell off a horse. And I just looked at him and I went crazy. I couldn’t stop screaming, just yelling and yelling and screaming myself hoarse...” Her voice is louder, now, but still quaking. “I grabbed the rolling pin. Hit him in the stomach with it. But I aimed wrong. It hit him at an odd angle... He hardly even flinched.”

I squeeze her hand, biting my lip. I can feel what’s coming next.

“He told me I was crazy. A crazy whore like my mother. He grabbed the rolling pin out of my hands, threw it behind me. And then he punched me. I can still remember how it felt when his knuckles collided with my face... My nose started spurting blood. It was broken, I guess. But I hardly felt it. Just stared at him. Stared at my mother, still curled up in a ball on the floor. And he stared at me. His face was red. His eyes were flashing. But then... His whole face softened. He started crying. Cradled my face in his hands. Knelt down beside my mother, rubbed her cheek with his fingers. Whispered his apologies.”

I close my eyes.

“It was the only time he ever hit me. He drove us to the hospital, crying and apologizing all the way. He dropped us off, said he’d be right in once he was parked. My mother stumbled inside with her arm around my shoulders.”

I nod. Because I remember, now. Alice’s broken nose. Her defeated smile at school the next day when she told me the news.

“He never came in. And he never came back. That was the last time I ever saw my father.”

I shake my head slowly, opening my eyes. She’s crying harder than I’ve ever seen her. I grab her other hand. Squeeze it. She looks into my eyes, her own eyes incredibly swollen and red. Tears are streaming down her cheeks. I reach up and brush them away.

And then I kiss her.

It’s gentle, soft. She’s still shaking. Still crying. But she pulls me closer. Wraps her arm around me like she never wants to let me go.

Eventually I pull away. She shakes her head. “No...” she protests softly.

“Shh.” I smile. Reach into my pocket. Fumble around.

Slowly, I drop onto one knee.

“Oh my god,” she whispers, biting back a smile. “Oh my god, X... X...”

I open the box. It’s just a simple ring. I don’t know if it’s even real gold. I just bought what I could afford. No shiny price tag. No sparkling diamonds. Just simple.

She gasps. Reaches for it, her hands trembling. Slides it onto her fingers and holds it up to catch the sunlight streaming in through the windows.

“It’s beautiful,” she whispers. Awed.

“You’re beautiful,” I murmur, pressing my lips against her ear.

She sighs. Wraps her arms around me. Pulls me close. “I love you so much,” she mumbles.

“I know,” I say softly, gripping her tighter. “Sometimes I even love me, too.”

November 27th (later): Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

2005-11-27T15:20:00.000-08:00

Mari is asleep on the couch when I get home. She stirs sleepily when she hears me come in the door.

“Xavier?” she asks groggily.

I nod, switching on the light. She squints.

“I would guess that Manny told you,” I say quietly.

She pulls the blanket up around her neck and nods, yawning. “You’re a good guy, X,” she says softly.

“She’s still pissed at me. Something’s bothering her, I guess.” I sigh. “I just want her to be happy, you know? I can forget about the rest.”

Mari smiles sleepily. “You’re sweet, X...” She sighs, blinking quickly a few times, holding a hand over her eyes. “But it’s not your job to make her happy, you know? Sometimes you have to think about yourself.”

“I’ve known her since I was a little kid,” I protest softly. “I was the one who knew about her father, who hid her in my room when things got too bad at home... We’ve been fighting since grade school.” I shrug. “But we always got over it, eventually. Except this time... It’s bigger.”

She nods. “You know what it was like, when you were in love with her and... She was in love with someone else.” She sighs, pulling the sleeves of her sweatshirt down over her hands. “You remind her of herself. All the shitty things, the things she hates.... And her father. I think you remind her of him, too.”

“But I don’t hit her!”

“You’re moody, X,” she explains gently. “And that works. But mood swings are something she learned to be scared of.”

“I’ve never laid a finger on her when I was angry, though,” I say dejectedly.

Mari shrugs. “I’m not saying it makes perfect sense. But... She’s scared. Everyone has some fear that isn’t totally rational.” She smiles. “You just have to learn to love her anyway.”

“She’s the one who spends all her time with me trying to make me punch her!” I protest.

“X, look... Everyone has problems in their past that resurface in their present. You have to show her that you understand that she’s having trouble... But that you’re going to stick around.”

“I’m offering to raise a child that isn’t even mine!”

“Have you ever gotten really pissed at her and told her that you were through?”

I sigh. “Look, I’m no saint, okay? I just... I don’t understand why it takes so much to get her to trust me.”

“Because she protects herself,” Mari says softly. “She’s too scared of getting hurt. You have to break that down, X. That’s your job.”

“Today I was just talking to her about normal things and suddenly she starts going on about how I’m trying to get information out of her... Something about some bad incident in her past.” My eyebrows lower. “I think she wants to tell me... But she’s scared of what I’d say.”

Mari nods. “Start there, then.” She smiles, reaching out, patting my hand. “Look, X, you’re a good kid. And you love her. She’s lucky to have that. She’ll figure that out, eventually.”

“Okay,” I say softly, biting my lip. “And Mari?”

She raises her eyebrows. “Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

She smiles, pulling her hand away. “Don’t give up on her, X,” she says quietly. “That’s exactly what she’s expecting you to do.”

* * *

“Hey.”

Amy smiles at me. “How did you find my locker?”

I shrug. “Saw you while I was walking. Thought I’d stop and say hi.”

“Yeah.” She nods. “Um... How are things with you and Alice? I hope... You told her, right? About us?”

I nod. “She was pissed. But I think she’s getting over it. It’s kind of a... You know, something for her to be upset about so she doesn’t have to tell me what she’s really upset about.”

Amy laughs. “You’re beginning to learn about women, I see.”

I roll my eyes, shrugging modestly. “I do my best.”

She slams her locker door shut. “I have no idea where my classes are. You’d think I’d remember this place better...” She smiles at me shyly.

“Um, what’s your next class?”

“US History. With Chapman?”

I nod. “Yeah. Mine too. Walk with me?”

She falls into step beside me. “Look, it’s awkward, I think... What happened. I don’t know whether I should... You know, pretend it didn’t happen, or whether...” She sighs. “Sex is stupid. I should be a nun.”

“If everyone who was confused by sex became celibate, the population would die out,” I observe.

She shrugs. “I don’t think the reproducing population would miss me, much.”

“I would miss you,” I say softly. Then I realize what that could mean. “I mean... Not like...” I blush furiously. “Actually, I’m with you. I’m going to become a monk. And take a vow of silence.”

Amy laughs, smiling up at me. “Don’t worry. I get you. Once was enough.”

“Thanks,” I say, sighing, then jerk my head toward a door. “Fifth period US History, ma’am.” I kick the door open. “Ladies first.”

“Thanks,” she says, rolling her eyes. But she’s smiling. And I think things might be okay, this time.

* * *

“Saw you with Amy Jensen in the hallway,” Ty remarks, leaning back in his chair. “I thought you were trying to get Alice back.”

I sigh, sipping my coffee. “You don’t just sleep with someone and never talk to them again.” I grin. “Take note of that, Mr. Virgin. Future reference.”

He kicks me under the table. “Assface.”

“Jealous, much?” I smile. “Anyway, yeah, I was talking to her... She’s considering going into the convent. Finds sex too confusing.”

“Geez, and you tease me about being a virgin – you drive your partners to nunship.” He grins.

“Eh, I’m just jealous of your virginity. We both know it.”

He shrugs, taking a swig of coffee. “Sex is a bitch, man. Much like life, and people.”

“Is anything not a bitch?” I sigh.

He mulls it over for a second. “No, actually, I think the term covers pretty much everything.”

“It certainly covers your mom,” I quip.

He kicks me under the table again. “That is so lame. And old. And... Did I say lame already? And lame.”

“Humor is a bitch.” I roll my eyes. “My friend Tyler? Total bitch.”

“This is the point where you close your mouth, and the stupid person miraculously falls silent.”

I raise my eyebrows. “You calling me stupid?”

“Am I?” He grins.

“Bitch.”

“Assface.”

I roll my eyes again. “Virgin.”

“Skank.”

I gasp, melodramatically clutching my chest. “It burns...”

Ty smiles. “You’re going to make some woman miserable someday, kid.”

“Hopefully someday soon,” I say, sighing.

“She’ll come around.” He takes a sip of coffee. “Even if you are a skank.”

I smile sweetly. “Ty, I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“Don’t get used to it,” he says drily. But he’s grinning ear to ear.

* * *

It doesn’t even look like the Knoll anymore. The sky still stretches on for miles, perfect white puffs surrounded by an expanse of light, vibrant blue. But the ground is scorched. Burnt grass crunches underfoot with every step. The whole place still smells of smoke.

“It’s dead,” I whisper. Because that’s the only word to describe it. All the vibrance, the green, the place that I loved... It’s gone. The lush green grass that met the asphalt of the highway is just a burnt landscape of brown. There’s still green around the outside edges, some sick border of life, but it’s not the same. The wooden fence that separates the Knoll from the surrounding private pastures taunts me. I close my eyes and sigh. “It’s really dead.”

For a moment I wish I’d waited till Alice could come. But it’s a fleeting wish. I know that to look at her destruction with her standing next to me, squeezing my hand... It would’ve killed me. Because this is her fault. She lit something sacred afire, and this is the result. My secret refuge from everything, where I watched the sun die so many nights... Where I reflected on the answers that noone else could give me... Where she kissed me...

I crouch down and run my fingers over what used to be grass. It’s brown. Dead. Gone.

This is the place where Manuel was conceived. Where Brady shot himself. Where Alice kissed me. Where the girl I love nearly died, and almost took our baby with her. Everything significant that has ever happened to me, it seems, happened on this square mile of grassy hilltop. This dead field is where my whole world used to be.

Maybe a place is only there as long as you need it. The Knoll was always my place to escape to, my grassy haven. But maybe it’s time for me to grow up. Maybe I can’t run away, anymore. Maybe this place wasn’t even what was special, all along. It was the people. The people and experiences that changed my life. This was the place for turning points.

And maybe this place is a turning point.

I stare at the sun, sleepily sinking down into the ground. And I smile. Slowly. Running my fingers one last time through the fire ravaged grass.

Maybe this is just the end of the beginning.

* * *

Henry stops me as I go to leave his class. “How’s Alice?”

I shrug. “I think she gets out of the hospital tomorrow. I haven’t really spoken to her.”

“Is she... Okay?” His eyes plead with me. I know he means the baby. I know I should answer him. That he’s not such a bad guy. But I can’t.

I sigh, digging a piece of notebook paper out of my pocket, scribbling something on it. “Here’s the number for her room,” I say, shoving the paper at him. “Ask her yourself.”

He smiles wearily. “What happened to her? Will you at least tell me that?”

“I pissed her off, in a pretty bad way. She went out to an empty field and lit it on fire. Then she sat down and fell asleep.”

His eyebrows lower.

“She was drinking,” I explain. “But someone driving by saw the fire, thought they saw someone in the fire, rushed in and dragged her out... She got burned pretty badly, but she’s going to be okay.”

“And... The...” He bites his lip.

“I told you. Go ask Alice.”

He smiles, probably remembering spitting that same phrase at me not so long ago. “Thank you, Xavier.”

I start to leave.

“One more thing,” he says, before I can get out the door. I turn to face him. “Are you okay, Xavier?”

I think of the overpass. Of wanting so badly to just not be anymore. Of Alice, lying in her bed, motionless, crying for me to go. Amy sobbing next to me in the car. Manuel screaming at me. And then I remember Ty and his father, embracing in the living room. Mamá cradling my face in her palm, calling me a man. Manny smiling. Amy laughing at my jokes. Mari, quietly reminding me to be patient.

“Yeah,” I say quietly. “I’m okay.”

And it’s the first time in my life that I’ve ever really meant it, I think.

November 27th: Apologies

2005-11-27T15:18:00.000-08:00

“X. Wow. Definitely wasn’t expecting that.” He laughs. His eyes are red. Swollen.

I force a smile. “Can I come in?”

Garrett nods. “Um... Sure. Yeah. Come on in.” He turns around. “Ma, I’ve got a friend here,” he shouts up the stairs. “We’ll be in the living room, okay?”

I smile weakly when he turns around and shrugs. “She... She likes to know who’s here. Her house, right?”

I nod.

“Look, if Ty asked you to talk to me, I appreciate it, but...” He shakes his head, scuffing his feet on the carpet. “Not right now, okay?” He cautiously meets my gaze. I look away.

“Ty didn’t send me. I sent me. I really don’t even know what you’re talking about, and it’s none of my business.” I shrug. “I came here to thank you.”

He sighs, collapsing onto the sofa. “Fuck. Big mouth. Sorry.”

“Look, it’s no big deal to me... If you guys had a fight.” I shrug. “But be good to him, okay? He’s a good guy.”

Garrett sighs, nodding. “He’s a great guy. He just... Never mind. Ask him to tell you about it. I’d just feel retarded.”

I smile sympathetically. “You sure?”

“It’s my fault, anyway.” He shrugs. “Tell him I said that, too.”

I bite my lip. “Yeah. I will. Look, though... Thanks. For being... I don’t know. For helping out Manuel. And shit. For watching out for him.”

“Nobody else needs this to happen to them,” he says quietly, jerking his head toward the stairs. “I figure everybody deserves to have better than this.”

I nod. “Well... Thanks for... The other night. Too. For grabbing me.” I shrug, staring at the floor, leaning against the wall. “Before... You know.”

“Yeah,” he says quietly, picking at the arm of the couch. “Look, this is stupid.” He sighs. “You want to know what happened with Ty?”

I stare at him. Not sure what I’m supposed to say.

“I wanted to have sex with him. He said no. And he should’ve said no, because I don’t think either of us are ready, right? I’m just a horny bastard.” He laughs bitterly. “But I was frustrated. I told him... Accused him of being afraid of himself. He got pissed.”

I bite my lip.

“He told me that I had to turn everything into a personal attack. That he wasn’t going to just jump in the sack.” Garrett laughs. “That pissed me off. I told him it was what his father was expecting of him, anyway. Promiscuity.”

“I’m sorry,” I say quietly.

He shakes his head, closes his eyes. “I was drunk. I was stupid.”

I think of Alice, not so long ago, spitting words at me with whiskey-breath. “Common theme, I mutter.”

He raises his eyebrows. “I guess. Anyway... He’s mad. He should be mad. I’m mad at myself. Attacking his dad. That’s the stupidest thing.” He sighs. “I love him. That’s the stupid thing. Things were going so well, I was actually in love... And then I hurt him.” He cradles his head in his hands.

I sigh. “Been there.”

“Yeah,” he says, looking up, nodding. “I know.”

“You’ll work things out with Ty,” I say quietly. “Not today, or tomorrow. But eventually. If it’s really what you want... It’ll happen.”

“How can you be sure?” he asks, shaking his head. “I just... How do you know?”

“You hope a little,” I say, laughing to myself. “And you pray a little. And you beg a little. And you change a lot.”

He smiles faintly. “You think he’ll really take me back? If I beg and pray and hope and change?”

“Mostly change.” I smile. “But the other stuff makes you feel better while you’re doing it.”

He nods, then looks at me strangely. “You’re good for him, you know that?”

I raise my eyebrows.

“Ty,” he clarifies. “He worries about you. A lot. You scared the shit out of him, the other night. When we were in the car, looking for you, he was hyperventilating. Literally could hardly breathe.” He grins. “Hang in there, dude. You’ve got a lot of people looking out for you.”

I bite back a smile. “Thanks.”

“Tell him I’ll call him later,” Garrett says quietly. “And that I deserve it if he hangs up on me. And that... I’m a dickhead.”

“I don’t think I need to tell him that,” I say with a smile.

Garrett shakes his head. “No,” he agrees softly. “I guess you don’t.”

* * *

“Hello?”

“Ty?”

“Personal cell phone. Do I need to explain the concept again?”

I roll my eyes. “I talked to Garrett.”

“God.” He sighs. “And I guess he told you.”

“Yeah.” I pause. “Look, I know this sounds retarded, but... That’s cool. What you did.”

“I had a fight with my boyfriend. Is that some sort of new trend?” he retorts bitterly.

“No, no... I meant... You know. Standing up for yourself.” I laugh tiredly. “I could use some lessons in that.”

“I’m just chicken.” He sighs. “But yeah. Anyway.”

“He’s going to call you later,” I persist. “He says you can hang up on him, if you want.”

“How’s Alice?” he asks abruptly.

I shrug. “I don’t know. Space, you know?”

“Look, this may be stupid of me, but I think the whole space idea is bullshit,” he says with a sigh. “I think she’s pushing you away because she wants you to stay.”

“Come again?”

He laughs. “It’s stupid. I guess it’s like how she keeps taunting you, trying to get you to hit her – because she wants to make sure you won’t. I think she’s saying she wants you to leave... Because she’s hoping you’ll be stubborn and stay.”

“But when I try to talk to her she gets upset!” I protest.

“People are confusing,” he says nonchalantly. “Love is confusing. People you love are the most confusing people in the world.”

* * *

You’re sitting up. That’s fun.

She stares at the dry erase board, then looks warily up at me. “What the hell are you doing?”

I take a marker and scribble something, then hold it up again. When I talk, I say things before I think them through. Not talking. Maybe that’ll help.

Alice laughs, but there’s distance in her eyes. “You need all the help you can get.”

Ouch.

“Didn’t I tell you to leave me alone? What happened to that?”

I shrug. You also told me to hit you... What happened to that????

“Decent point. I would kick you out again, but I’m too bored... Ever watched four solid hours of soap operas?”

I roll my eyes. Can’t say I’ve ever had the chance.

She smiles. “Lucky you.” She stares at her hands for a moment. “I need a manicure.”

I think you look beautiful.

“You’re delusional, Xavier.” She sighs, cracking her neck. “I feel almost normal now. Except very pregnant. I get to throw up in boxes held by cute dimpled nurses. It’s mortifying.”

I smile at her. I bet you’re cute when you puke.

“You have shit on your nose,” she replies drily. But she’s smiling.

Are you insinuating that I’m sucking up to get you to talk to me?

“I’m sure you have some ulterior motive,” she remarks. “Let me guess. You’re here to grill me about July seventeenth.”

I shake my head. I just wanted to be with you. You know, visit.

“Right. Look, I’m sick of talking.” She closes her eyes. “Go away.”

I knock on her door. She opens her eyes reluctantly. Why are you trying to make me into a monster????

“Go away, X. Before I get really pissed off.”

This is crazy. Why do you always do this??

“Because I’m a bitch.” She sighs, letting her eyelids fall shut. “Now go away.”

I reluctantly cap the marker and tuck the board under my mouth. “I’m sorry,” I say softly.

“I know,” she whispers.

I shut the door quietly behind me.

November 26th: Something Beautiful

2005-11-27T15:13:00.000-08:00

I stop Ty in the hallway outside of his history class. “Meet me for coffee after school?”

He shrugs. “Sure.”

“I need your help with something.”

He raises his eyebrows. “What?” he asks, walking backwards down the hallway.

“Getting Alice back!” I shout.

He grins at me over the sea of people, standing on his tip toes. “You are ridiculously obsessed,” he yells back.

“I know,” I reply, laughing. “Part of my charm.”

* * *

“Get three to go,” I instruct Ty, pushing him toward the front of the line.

He raises his eyebrows. “Three? To go?”

“Obviously your hearing is intact. Congratulations. Just do it. I’ll tell you later.”

He shrugs. Orders. We wait together. When the coffee comes, I pick up two of them and head for the door. He grabs his own and runs after me.

“Where are we going?” he asks, holding the door open for me.

I back through it and start for the car. “I’m going to sit in the car while you bring Alice coffee.”

He stares at me incredulously. “I am?”

“Room five seventeen. Don’t fuck this up.” I stick the cups in the drink holder and step on the gas.

* * *

“And then she shot me this look and went, ‘That’s sweet. Where’s X?’ ”

I grin. “What did you say?”

“I told her you were in the car. And she was like, ‘I told him to leave me alone’.”

“And you told her....”

“That you had a stalker girlfriend once and she taught you a few tricks.”

I smile. “And what did she say to that?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “She looked like she was trying not to smile.”

“And?”

“And then she said there was no way to drink coffee while she was laying down, but when the nurses came in she would seduce the cute male one with dimples into moving her.” He rolls his eyes.

I laugh. “She could seduce a cardboard box. She’ll be fine.”

“She told me to tell you that it’s going to take a lot more than coffee and roses to get her back.”

“What did you say to that?”

“I told her you probably had a lot more planned.”

I nod. “I do. But for now, I’m giving her space.”

He raises his eyebrows. “I thought you were trying to win her back.”

“I bought her coffee and roses. But she said she wanted time to think, so I’m going to give her that much.”

He stares at me.

“Her mother told me when I called last night that Alice gets out in a couple of days. They’ve done a couple skin transplants to the worse areas and she’ll be coming home by Sunday.”

“And?”

“And when she gets out, I’m going to do something big.”

He bites his lip. “And you’re sure this is going to work?”

“I’m pretty sure,” I say quietly, nodding. “I’m pretty damn sure.”

* * *

I bite my lip. “Mamá? Can we talk?”

She stares at me. There’s more hurt in her eyes than I’ve ever seen, and when she speaks, she sounds bitter. “You get another girl pregnant, Xavier? You have sex with more?”

“Mamá, please.” I pat the cushion next to me. “I need to talk to you.”

My mother eyes me warily, but she sits down.

“Look, this whole situation is complicated. And you’re going to be upset with me. And even more upset... With everything.” I sigh. “But I need you to know this. I can’t... I can’t just tell stories forever.”

She stares at her ragged, week-old manicure. “Yes, mí amor?”

“I’m not the father.” I start with that. It’s the easiest.

Mamá’s eyes light up.

“But I knew that. The whole time. She... She asked me to cover for her. Asked me... To marry her.” I take a deep breath. “And I said yes.”

Her gaze dims.

“We were going to get married, and raise the baby, and it was going to work out.” I shrug. “And then I... I messed around with another girl.” I see her look. “She’s not pregnant! Jesus, Mamá!” I sigh. “Look, Alice got really mad. She tried to kill herself.”

“Oh no,” my mother gasps. “Mí amor, that is terrible!”

I nod. “Yeah. She’s okay. I guess. She’s in the hospital but... She’s going to be okay. And so is the baby. But... She’s still angry.”

My mother grins. “But you do not have to marry her! She does not want you for to marry her! You can go to college, you can have future...”

“Mamá, please,” I interrupt. “I still want... To marry her. I really want that. I’m trying to get her back.”

Her shoulders slump, her smile collapsing. “But you have so many chances... So many opportunities.”

I sigh, exasperated. “Mamá, that’s not what I want, okay?” I say stiffly. “You think it would make me happy? To leave my best friend pregnant and alone?” I shake my head. “That’s the kind of son you’d be proud of, huh? The selfish kind? The kind who only cares about himself?”

“I just want you for to do well!” she exclaims. The tears rush to her eyes.

I look away. “And I know that, Mamá, but...” I sigh, rubbing my forehead. “I just want to be able to be proud of myself.”

Her hand is on my cheek. Soft, worn. The hands that rocked a bricklayer’s son to sleep, that spoon fed him applesauce, that always healed better than a bandage, that scrubbed floors till their fingertips were raw so that he could have shoes. I turn. Her eyes are glistening, a few teardrops already flowing freely down her cheeks.

She cradles my cheek in the palm of her hand. “You are a man, now.”

I grab her other hand, clasping it between my own. “I know.”

She smiles at me sadly, caresses my cheek a final time before pulling her weathered fingertips away. “You are a damned fool,” she whispers, laughing softly. I bite back a smile. “But you are a man.”

I massage her fingers. “How does a man convince a woman that he’s sorry?” I ask her softly.

Mamá laughs for a moment, then pulls her hand away from my grasp, resting it on my knee. “Alice will forgive you, Xavier.”

“I hope so.”

“She will,” she assures me. “That is what people do, when they...” She stops, smiling cryptically.

“When they...” I prompt.

She looks down at her hand, still on my knee, and slowly moves it away. “When they are in love, mí amor.” She bites her lip. “That is what they do when they are in love.”

November 25th: Go away

2005-11-25T08:26:00.000-08:00

Manuel throws his arms around me and buries his head in my chest. “I told you not to go!” he sobs, pounding my back with his fists.

I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight, my palms flat against his back. “I had to go, Manny. I had to go.”

Ty steps up and puts a hand on each of our shoulders. “Manuel, can you do something for me?” He tucks his cell phone into Manuel’s jacket pocket. “You keep that with you, okay? And don’t let X go anywhere.”

Manuel pulls back and looks up at him. “What are you talking about?”

“He tried to jump off the overpass,” Ty says softly.

Manny looks up at me, his eyes wide open and shining. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. But he doesn’t even blink.

“Just keep an eye on him. If he does anything stupid, or he talks about it, speed dial number one, okay? That’s Garrett’s house. Okay?”

Manuel nods, slowly, never taking his eyes off of me.

Ty pats his shoulder gently. “Okay, man. Okay.” His gaze turns to me. “Take it easy, dude, okay?”

I stare at him.

“And you can beat me up for it in the morning, but I’m praying for you.”

I manage a weak smile. He yanks open the front door and pulls it shut behind him.

Manuel shakes his head slowly. “I hate you,” he mutters, collapsing onto the couch.

I sigh, kicking the wall with my shoe, staring down at my hands. “I know.”

“Doesn’t it mean anything to you that you’re going to be a father? Are you really that selfish?” he exclaims.

I sigh, leaning against the wall. “It’s not my baby,” I whisper.

He stares at me.

“I just said it was. Alice... Was dating a bad guy. And... She asked me for help.”

Manny bites his lip. “You lied to me?” he asks softly.

I nod. “I’m sorry, I wish I’d never --”

He shakes his head, burying his head in the stained, worn couch cushions. “Go away.”

I reach over, put a hand on his shoulder. “I know you’re mad. You should be mad, after --“

Manuel looks up at me, his face red and streaked with tears. “Just go.”

I wish that I had jumped.

* * *

“I need to talk to you.”

This sentence would make so much sense if it were directed at Alice. Manuel, even. Ty. Garrett. Mari. Mamá. Amy.

Anyone but Henry.

He smiles to himself, rubbing the whiteboard vigorously with an eraser. “Do you now.”

“You know what it’s called when a teacher has sex with a student?” I raise my eyebrows. “It’s called illegal. And we’ve got proof that you did it, what with baby on the way, so I’d listen pretty closely to this if I were you.”

He turns around, his face suddenly serious. “You play dirty, Xavier. But your friend asked me not to contact her. So if you have a problem with it, I suggest you take it up with her.”

My head is throbbing. “Alice didn’t say that.”

“Alice did say that,” he says, shaking his head. He sits down at his desk and rifles through a stack of papers.

I watch him silently.

He looks up, his eyebrows raised. “Excuse me, is there something else I could help you with? Because I really thought you were done.”

“Look, this kid needs a father. You’re it.”

Henry laughs to himself, pulling a paper out of the stack. “That certainly wasn’t the plan. What happened? Did you and Alice have a spat?”

I slam my fist down on his desk. He looks up, still smiling. “Look,” I say in a low voice, “you can’t just get a girl pregnant and leave her. And yes, she is a girl. Not a woman. Not even a young woman. A girl. A girl who has dealt with enough shitty men in her life. A girl who doesn’t need another jerk-off fucking her up.”

“Such language,” he chuckles, shaking his head and turning back to his work. “Xavier, it really seems to me like you’re wasting my time. Alice obviously isn’t looking for me to be her knight in shining armor. I doubt she really cares one way or the other whether she ever speaks to me again.”

“She tried to kill herself,” I say quietly.

He shrugs indifferently. “That’s sad, but I don’t see...”

“You’re the father of her child!” I spit.

He laughs, underlining something with his pen. “True enough. But she’s depending on you.”

* * *

“I can’t believe he actually said that,” Ty remarks, eyebrows raised. “It’s funny, actually.”

I glare at him, sipping my coffee. “Remind me why?”

“Not funny, just... You know. Kind of weird.” He shrugs. “I guess. It’s like, he understands the situation perfectly, even though he’s hardly involved.”

“He’s kind of the father. Which in most states makes him involved,” I remark drily.

Ty sighs. “You know what I mean.”

“I guess. It just seems crazy that he can make me feel bad about not stepping up and being there for her when he’s the asshole who’s skipping out on her.” I shrug. “I mean, he fathered the child. He fathered the child. Shouldn’t he feel a little more obligated to help her out than I do?”

“No.”

I raise my eyebrows, cradling my cup in my hands. “Enlighten me.”

“He doesn’t love her,” Ty says simply. “You do.”

* * *

“Hello?”

“Hey.” I take a deep breath, grip the phone tighter. “Look, I wanted to go see Alice. At the hospital. But they probably won’t let me in... They wouldn’t last night...”

Ms. Creevy sighs. “And you expect me to escort you.”

“I love your daughter, ma’am,” I say softly. “She... I need to see her.”

“Xavier, I think you fail to understand that my daughter nearly died because she had a fight with you,” she spits.

I sigh. “I know. And I’m a terrible person. But --“

“I’m sorry. I have to go.” Her voice is trembling.

“What am I going to have to do to prove to you that I love her?” I say, all in a rush, my free hand clawing desperately at the bedspread. “I’ll do anything!”

She inhales shakily. “Anything?”

“Of course. Anything. And I mean that. If you want me to go throw myself off a building... Fine.” I was going to do that anyway, I add silently.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever believe you,” she admits, almost to herself.

“Can you try?”

She sighs. “If you do one thing for me.”

“What?”

“It’ll make her angry,” she warns. “I’ve tried.”

I shake my head. “I told you anything. I meant it.”

Ms. Creevy exhales deeply. “Make her talk to you about her father. I’ll call the hospital. Tell them you can visit her. But you have to make her talk... You have to ask her about...” She laughs tiredly. “Ask her about July seventeenth.”

“What happened then?” I ask cautiously.

“She’ll tell you.”

And then she hangs up, and I’m left with my questions and silence.

* * *

I knock on the door. “Alice?”

She’s laying on her side, facing away from the door, the sheets pulled up around her neck, wrapped tight over her body. I walk slowly to the other side of the bed. She stares at me warily.

“I don’t know why you’re here,” she whispers. “I don’t know why you even care, anymore.”

I sigh, collapsing into a chair. “Does it hurt?”

She laughs, then cringes. “My back. It feels like I’m going to die.” She nods toward the IV. “That shit helps. They pump you up with enough drugs, you kind of forget that you want to claw your eyes out.”

“You should’ve called me,” I say softly. “I... Your mother called to tell us. Manny, he told me when I got home, and --“

“Got home? Where were you, out screwing some tramp?” She smiles. Bitter.

I stare at the floor. “I deserved that.”

“You bet you do.” Her voice is biting. It claws at something so deep inside of me I don’t even know what it’s called.

“But I was with Ty, actually.” I shrug, examining my hands. “Anyway, Manny, he told me and... I went crazy. I came here, but they wouldn’t let me see you.”

“I wasn’t awake till this morning, anyway,” she remarks. But I know it’s not meant to comfort me. Just a random fact. Information between acquaintances.”

I sigh. “I guess. But... I went crazy. I tried to jump off the overpass.”

“Pity you didn’t make it,” she mutters.

I shake my head. “You really don’t get it, do you? I’m trying. So hard. Do you see that? Do you realize that maybe I hate myself enough without anyone else trying to knock me down?”

She rolls her eyes. “It must be pitiful, having women throw themselves at you.”

“I was in love with you for years, Alice. And you were always with other guys. Having sex with Henry, for chrissakes.” I throw my hands up in the air. “Don’t act like you haven’t done exactly what I did. Except you got pregnant.”

“Is there a point to your being here, besides making me want to slap you across the face?” she asks harshly.

I nod slowly. “Actually, I wanted to ask you something.”

“The answer is probably no,” she informs me, rolling her eyes again.

“What happened on July seventeenth?” I say softly.

She stares at me for a second, her eyes widening. “My mother put you up to this.”

I sigh. “I just want to know, okay? I want to know everything about you. I want to know --”

She closes her eyes. Bites her lip. “Get out,” she says quietly. Firmly.

“Just tell me. Please. Just tell me!” I beg.

She bites down harder. “Just leave me alone,” she says, her voice trembling. “Please.”

I slowly rise and walk out of the room, pulling the door shut behind me. I make it all the way back to my car before I start to cry.

* * *

Ty stares bleakly into his coffee. “My father called.”

I raise my eyebrows. “And?”

“He wants to talk to me.” He sighs. “That’s good, right? Tell me that’s good.”

I shrug. “Well, if he’s talking to you, he’s not ignoring you, right? So that’s good.”

“That or he’s just telling me that I’m out. For good. Last time he said he needed to think about things. Maybe he thought. Maybe he’s still upset.” He sighs into his coffee. “This is ridiculous. It isn’t even legal. And it’s not even that, it’s... Why the hell does it matter so much to him?”

I bite my lip. “Maybe he feels like he doesn’t know you anymore. It’s kind of a big revelation, I mean. Being gay.”

He sips his coffee, staring wearily at something over my shoulder. “I don’t know why I even care. I mean, I have a place to live. With people who love me. It’s just...”

“It’s not home,” I finish.

Ty nods. “Yeah.” He runs his finger around the rim of his mug. “It sucks, to not be wanted. You know? It just sucks.”

I think of Alice. Of Manuel. Telling me to get out. Telling me to go away. And I nod. “Yeah.” I sigh. “It does.”

* * *

I figure when you mess things up big-time, you have to apologize big-time. And so, after the coffee shop, I drive to the hospital gift shop. Walk awkwardly up to the counter, hands buried in my pockets, looking sheepish.

“Can I help you?” The woman behind the counter is tan, her bleach-blonde hair hanging in her face. She snaps her gum.

I bite my lip. “You got roses?”

“White, red, yellow, pink... Wait, we’re out of yellow. But yeah. Roses.” She raises a pierced eyebrow. “Red for the girlfriend, pink for the football buddy you want to embarrass, white for the ailing grandmother who probably won’t make it.”

“And what for the suicidal burn victim former fiancé pregnant bitch who isn’t speaking to me?”

She shrugs, bored. “Probably should’ve been yellow, but I guess you’re out of luck, aren’t you?”

I sigh. “A dozen white. For peace.”

She smacks her gum, grabbing a slip. “You buying or delivering?”

“Um, I think she would throw them at me if she saw my face.”

She laughs for the first time, harsh. “Deliver. You want a message?”

“Um... Let me think.”

She shoves a pen and cheap folded piece of gold cardboard my way. “Take your time.”

I sigh, chewing absentmindedly on the pen cap while the clerk glares at me. Finally, I scribble something and shove them back across the counter along with a crumpled twenty dollar bill. “Room 517.”

“Thanks, kid.” She stares at me for a second longer. “Look, I don’t know what you did to get in the doghouse, but I hope she comes around.”

“Yeah,” I say, shoving my hands back into my pockets, turning to leave. “I hope so, too.”

* * *

Ty paces from the couch to the fireplace and back again. Over and over and over. Eventually I stand up and grab his shoulders. “Calm down, dude.”

“But he’ll be home soon and then we’ll have to talk and then...” He takes a shaking breath. “Calm. Right.” He closes his eyes and collapses into the couch.

His mother appears in the threshold, cautiously peering at her son. She doesn’t say anything for a moment, just watching. Then, finally, “Tyler.”

It’s the first word she’s spoken since we got here. The first thing she’s said to her son since he arrived home. Just his name. Just a simple, emotionless recitation of the name which she must have repeated a thousand times in the past eighteen years. But still just a name.

He looks at her expectantly. Waiting for an “I love you” or an “I’ve missed you” or an “I’m sorry”. But none of that comes. And it takes him a moment to realize that it won’t. You can see that realization come. All the hope, all the life in his eyes drains. I reach over and touch his hand. Try to give him something, even the smallest thing; trying to give back even a fraction of the understanding that he’s given me.

He smiles at me weakly, and opens his mouth to speak, when the car roars into the driveway.

Ty freezes.

He tenses up a little more with every slam of a door, a trunk. I can see him counting every step his father takes. Every single agonizing step.

The door creaks open.

Mr. Graham stands there for a moment, silhouetted against the twilight, staring at Ty. His eyes are calculating, cold. His six foot, muscular frame is tense and rigid.

And then, something relaxes. “Son.”

It’s only one word. A single syllable. Three letters. And yet, to look at Ty’s face, you would think it were the greatest compliment, the most amazing thing one human being can say to another.

And maybe, for some, it is.

Ty stands up slowly as his father crosses the room. Approaches his son. They stand there for a second, just looking at each other. And then Mr. Graham’s eyes fill with a mixture of pride and tears.

“Tyler, can you ever forgive this old fool for thinking that who his son loved was more important than loving his son?”

Ty smiles, a genuine smile, the first I’ve scene on his face since Garrett was stabbed. “I think I might be able to do that,” he says gently.

There isn’t a dry eye in the room when they embrace.

* * *

“Why Alice?”

It’s a simple enough question. I can think of a thousand answers for it, myself. But I’m not looking for my own answers. I’m looking for Henry’s.

He watches me for a moment. Calm. Careful. Then he sighs. Lets his cocky smirk give way. And suddenly he looks old.

“She wanted someone to use her and leave her out to dry,” he says, shuffling papers around. “Other girls, they want relationships. She just wanted to make someone mad. She was immature like that. But she knew what she was doing. I knew she wouldn’t be a commitment. I knew she’d want sex. That’s why.”

I sit down on the corner of his desk, resting my hand on top of his papers. Henry heaves a sigh and settles into his chair, defeated. I smile warily. “So you were just looking to get in her pants.”

He shakes his head. “No. Because after we started seeing each other, I felt greasy. Wrong. I told her we couldn’t do it anymore.”

“And she said?” I prompt him, raising my eyebrows.

“She got upset with me,” he says, shrugging. “Said she’d report me if I didn’t stay with her.”

“You realize I don’t believe a word you’re saying.”

He sighs. “Look, after that, I just tried to make myself enjoy it. And it’s not hard to enjoy it, if you try. I mean, she’s attractive. You know that. We had sex. It was fun. It wasn’t much more than that.”

“And then she got pregnant.”

Henry nods. “We used a condom. Every time. I swear to god. But sometimes things happen. Things don’t work out.” He exhales deeply. “Look, I’m sorry if I’ve been awful to you. It’s just... You’re so intense, with this girl. Overprotective. Overbearing. You’re so focused on making sure that she doesn’t get hurt. And that bothered me. Maybe because I knew that I was fucking with her. Messing her up. I knew I was the kind of guy you really hated. So I figured I might as well play that up. It’s easier to be hated for someone you’re pretending to be than the person you really are.”

I sigh. “I still don’t understand why you couldn’t have just messed with some fragile girl who wasn’t Alice. Why you couldn’t have picked someone else.”

He laughs, shaking his head. “Because everybody’s got an Alice,” he says gently.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He shrugs. “You’d die for her, wouldn’t you?”

I stare at my hands. “Yeah,” I say after a moment. “I would.”

“Everyone has someone they would take a bullet for. And every fragile girl out there, every Alice, has some overbearing guy who would die for her.”

I bite my lip. “But you just had to pick my fragile girl.”

He nods, smiling weakly. “Guess I did.”

I sigh, grab my pack, and turn to go. But just before I close the door, he calls my name. “Xavier.”

I turn to face him. “What?”

“Make her happy,” he says softly. “Make her really mean it when she smiles.”

And for a moment, I believe that I can do it.

* * *

I rap my knuckles on the door – four short, one long, two short. “Visitor for the burn victim.”

“You’re hilarious,” she says to the wall. “Did you bring me more flowers? A teddy bear, maybe? You know, a better present would be if you would just leave me alone for the rest of my life.”

I sigh, walking over to the window, turning to face her. “Did you even read the note?”

“What note?” She stares at me, genuinely perplexed.

“I sent a note with the flowers. Didn’t you get it.”

She rolls her eyes. “No. But I don’t really want your note. I don’t really want to even think about you, actually. Why don’t you leave?”

I nod toward the vase on the table. “You kept the roses. You must --”

She closes her eyes. “I told you to get out.”

I stare out the window at the parking lot. “Maybe --”

“Do you want me to tell my mother that you’ve been harassing me?”

I sigh. “What do I have to give you to convince you that I’m sorry?”

She watches me for a moment, her green eyes taking in every detail of my face, from the lingering football scar from when I was ten to the mostly-hidden mole on my forehead.

Finally her lips part. I stare at her. Waiting.

“Space,” she says after a minute. Her eyes are glassy with tears. “Just please leave me alone, X. Please.”

“This isn’t about Amy, is it?” I ask softly.

She stares at me, a tear trickling across her nose, down her cheek, and into the mattress. “Just leave.”

“This is about your dad, isn’t it?”

Her eyes find mine. Begging.

“I still remind you of him. That’s it. You think I’m unpredictable. I bet he slept with other women, didn’t he? Besides your mother? And now you don’t know if you can even trust me, you don’t know...”

“No!” she shrieks.

I stare at her. Collapse into a chair. “Then what is it?”

“You think you know me!” she says, her voice straining, the tears flowing freely now. “You think you have me all figured out! You think this is all some deep psychological thing! But it’s not!”

I throw up my hands. “Then what the hell is it?” I repeat, exasperated.

“I’m upset with you!” she explodes, trembling. “Not because of my father or my mother or Tyler or Henry or anyone else! Because of you! Because you slept with some girl and it hurt me and I’m angry with you and I wish you would leave me alone!”

I close my eyes. Sigh. “Is that really what you want?”

“Yeah,” she whispers. “It is.”

* * *

“Can I come in?”

Silence for a moment. Then a sigh. “The door’s unlocked.”

I open it cautiously. Manuel is sitting cross-legged on the bed, reading Sports Illustrated. He doesn’t look at me when I walk in.

“We should talk.”

He turns a page. Groans. “I don’t have anything to talk about.”

I sigh. “You’re mad.” I shut the door softly. Lean against it. “That’s cool. You should be mad. I would be mad at me, if I were you. I am mad at me. I think everyone is mad at me. And everyone should be mad at me, because I’m a dickhole.”

I can tell he’s fighting back a smile. So I go on.

“And I’ve already been accused of over complicating everything today, so it can’t hurt to risk it again. I mean, I get why you’re hurt that I lied to you. Especially hurt. Because it’s like, your entire life, people have lied to you. And that wasn’t cool, and that wasn’t right. And maybe you empathize with this kid because it’s like, the kind of unwanted child of two teenagers who don’t know what they’re doing. Except in this case both of the people aren’t teenagers but....” I sigh, pausing. “Well, I guess it sucks. What people have done to you. Brady was selfish to kill himself. And I was selfish to try to do the same. And we were all selfish to lie to you, and I was especially selfish to do it again, about a different kid’s roots.”

He bites his lip. Turns the page.

“And a lot of it is probably that you’re mad because your big brother is a dickhead who messes everything up. And you know, you’re right about that, too. I screw up everything. I have to stick my nose in everybody’s business, and I almost always just make the situation worse.” I shrug. “And maybe that’s not good. Maybe you just wish I would pack it in and go away. But then, it sucks when your big brother tries to jump off the overpass, too, because you don’t really want him to go away, you just want him to not fuck things up anymore. Am I right so far?”

Manuel nods. Barely.

“So here’s the part where I admit that I’m human. And here’s the part where I say I’m going to try harder, but we both know I’m going to end up screwing things up again. This is the part where I tell you that I’m trying to win back Alice. That I’m trying to be a father to this kid, even if it’s not mine, even if she doesn’t want me to be. That I’m trying.” I sigh, lean a little heavier into the door. “And I know people have told you a lot of things in your life. And a lot of those things have been one hundred percent bullshit. A lot of those things have torn you up so bad you don’t even recognize yourself. Have made you do things that you hate because you don’t know what else to do.” I bite my lip. “But I really am trying. That’s not shit. That’s just... Truth.”

He turns his head. Stares at me with big brown eyes, wide and young and scared. “I raped that girl, X,” he says softly.

I nod. Slowly. Wearily. “And that sucks, man. And that wasn’t right. But....” I sigh. “Everyone fucks up. Sometimes big, sometimes small. You fucked up big. I’m not going to lie to you. That was a big screw-up. And that girl is going to cry herself to sleep at night for years, thinking of what you did to her.” I take a deep breath. “But it wasn’t just you, was it?”

He shakes his head.

“And you didn’t really want to do it, did you?’

He shakes it again.

“And they were threatening you. Threatening your mother. Your family.”

He nods.

“And you still weren’t right. You still fucked up. But sometimes, no matter what you do... You’re wrong.”

He stares at me.

“I’m not mad at you,” I say quietly. “Or disappointed in you. Because either choice would’ve been wrong. Either way, you would’ve hurt somebody. And I’m not proud of what you did. I’m not going to high five you and pat you on the back and tell you good job. Because you messed up bad, little man. You did something disgusting. Something despicable. But you don’t need me to tell you that. You know that. And I’m not disappointed in you for doing what you felt you had to do.”

He bites his lip. Closes the magazine. “That’s stupid. That there isn’t a right choice. That you’re screwed either way.”

“Yeah,” I say quietly. “It sucks. But... It’s how life is, I guess. You learn to roll with the punches.”

“Are you and Alice ever going to fix things?” he asks slowly.

I stare at him, then look down at my hands. “I don’t know. I hurt her pretty bad.”

“But you love her. That counts for something, right?”

I sigh. “That’s what people keep telling me.”

“But?”

“But sometimes it takes more than that to make things work,” I say, shrugging.

He smiles.

“What?”

“It’s just that every time you talk about her, you get this look on your face.”

I raise my eyebrows. “Look?”

“You know. That look you get when you want something so bad you’d do anything for it.”

I shrug. “Well, that’s kind of how things are.”

“So you’d do anything to get her back?” he asks, his eyes meeting mine.

“Yeah.” I nod. “Of course. I just don’t know what’s going to work.”

“Then do everything,” he says, shrugging.

I stare at him. “It’s not that simple.”

But maybe it is.

November 23rd (part deux): Everything Changes

2005-11-23T18:27:00.000-08:00

She brought a blanket. The red and white checkered one, from before. The one I always kept in Jacob’s trunk, waiting for a moment like this, when the stars were out and the moon was full and everything was still.

Amy glances over at me, smiling, smoothing the wrinkles out of the old picnic blanket and sitting down on the edge. “Tell me a story,” she says quietly.

Her breasts are barely covered by her dress. I want to stop looking. I need to stop looking. But I can’t stop looking. Her eyes follow my gaze. She laughs. Slaps my knee. “Naughty boy.” But I know it’s what she wants.

I sit down beside her. She rests her head in my lap. “A story?” I wish she would move her head. Wish her hair weren’t so soft, so silky. I run my fingers through it. “What about?”

She shrugs her shoulders. The shoulder of her dress falls down her arm, the neckline helter-skelter. She brings a hand up. Toys with it. “Like... A boy and a girl, they dated for months and months. But they never had sex.” She smiles up at me, her eyes shining, lip gloss glistening. “And now they have a second chance.”

But something isn’t right.

“Are you drunk?” I ask her suddenly.

She tosses her head. “So what if I am? So what?” She brings a finger up. Touches my lips.

I shake my head. “Amy, stop...”

She sits up. Smiles at me sleepily. Fishes a foil packet from her pocket. “Not like you’ve never done it before.” She straddles my lap. I wish she wouldn’t. I push at her shoulders. But not hard. We both know I won’t stop her. We both know how long we’ve been waiting for this.

Her lips touch mine. A jolt of electricity runs through my body. They’re soft. Delicate. She presses a hand into my back. Reaches one hand into her own shirt and unhooks her bra.

We’ve done this much before. A thousand times. It’s okay. We’ve done this before. It’s okay. There’s nothing to feel guilty about. It’s okay. You’re going to have to eventually, anyway. It’s okay. You want this. It’s okay. This feels good. It’s okay.

You hate yourself. It doesn’t matter. This has to be okay.

* * *

I hand her a tissue. She smiles at me, wiping her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she says. For the hundredth time.

“Me too,” I say. My hundredth time, as well. I was a virgin, too, I want to tell her. Alice and I never had sex. Alice and I never did more than kiss. Alice and I... But I don’t want to say that. I don’t ever want to hear Alice’s name again. It feels better to lie. Even if it shouldn’t.

Amy shrugs her shoulders, pulling her legs to her chest and rubbing her arms. “This is so stupid!” she exclaims, shivering. “I wanted to do this. I wanted to! Why do I feel so stupid about it?”

I shrug off my jacket and drape it over her shoulders. “Shhh,” I say soothingly. “It’s okay. It’s over now. It’s not like either of us...” I sigh. “We can’t do anything different. Let’s just... I don’t know. Not think about it.”

She shakes her head. “But you’ve done it before. It’s not the same...”

I rub her shoulders, wrapping my arm around her. She leans into me. “I don’t know why I wanted it so bad, anyway,” she confesses, wiping her eyes again with the crumpled piece of Kleenex. “It was like... But it’s so stupid.”

“No,” I say gently, gripping her arm. “Tell me. It’s okay.”

She sighs. “I guess I thought... Well, you know, like, you had Alice and everything, and maybe if I could have you, maybe if I could get you away from her... You wouldn’t want to marry her anymore.” She shakes her head, burying her face in my shoulder. “I’m so sick, Xavier... Why can’t I just be happy for her?”

I shake my head. “I don’t think the wedding’s even on, anymore. I don’t know what we’re going to do. She doesn’t want me around. She hates me.”

“But you fathered her child!” Amy protests.

I shrug. “She doesn’t care, I guess. She thinks... I don’t know what she thinks. She just hates me.”

“Why do we do this to ourselves?” she asks softly, shivering slightly. “Just when we get to be happy, when everything starts to go our way, we do something to screw it all up.”

I sigh. “I do everything I hate. I do everything I always swore that I would never do.”

She nods, her eyes closed, her body pressed against mine. “I think I’m going to regret this for the rest of my life,” she says quietly.

“Yeah,” I nod. “Me too.”

* * *

Alice,

I don’t even know why I feel like I should tell you this. It’s not like it’s any of your business. It’s not like I owe it to you, to let you know. I just don’t want you to hear it from somebody else.

~~See, I went out with Amy and~~ ~~I didn’t mean for anything to happen like this, but~~ ~~I guess it’s not even that big a deal but~~

Let me just say it.

Amy and I had sex.

X

I shove the note into her locker and run.

* * *

I hate you.

I glance over at Alice, staring at the piece of notebook paper, then looking at Alice. Her eyes are focused on the board. On Henry. But her mascara is streaked. She’s been crying.

I sigh, pick up my pen. I hate me, too.

She reads it, crumples it up. I watch her closely. Her eyes refuse to turn my way. She won’t even let me have that. Won’t even give me her hatred. Won’t even let me see how hurt she is.

Alice rubs her eyes angrily with her hands. Picks up the note again. Smooths it out. Her eyes travel over the words, over and over. Her fingers trace my words.

But she still refuses to look at me.

My chest is a mess of muted pain.

* * *

Ty stares at me. His eyes are wide. His fingers run over the rim of his coffee mug.

“You act like I killed someone,” I say lightly. “It’s no big deal.” But my voice is shaking. I’m obviously not convinced.

He bites his lip and exhales slowly. “Well,” he says finally, “you’re certainly full of surprises.”

“I didn’t mean for it to happen. It just... Did.”

Ty raises his eyebrows. “Right. You went out on a date with your ex and you weren’t expecting something to happen. Liar.”

I shrug. “I thought maybe we’d kiss or something, but not...”

“Uh-huh.”

I throw up my hands. “What do you want me to say? That I went out with her because I wanted to fuck her? That all I wanted was a one-night-stand?”

“I don’t know what you wanted,” he says softly. “I just know what you knew.”

I shake my head, sipping my coffee. “Look, I wish I hadn’t, okay? I really wish. With everything I have.”

“Well, regrets are great,” Ty says, laughing softly. “Sad thing is, they don’t really do much.”

I sigh.

“Have you told Alice?” he asks.

I stare at my lap. “It’s not like it’s any of her business,” I mutter.

He raises his eyebrows. “You two are madly in love with each other, whether either of you has enough balls to admit it or not.” He examines my face for a moment. “You did, didn’t you?”

I nod.

“What did she say?” he prods.

I look up. “She said she hates me.”

“She’s said that much before,” he remarks, examining his nails disinterestedly.

“She meant it, this time,” I say quietly.

He laughs softly. “She probably always means it,” he remarks. “What matters is whether this time, you care enough to try to win her back.”

I shake my head. “I don’t think I’ve ever fucked up quite this badly before.”

He shrugs. “Maybe not,” he says gently. “But she has.”

* * *

Manuel is sitting on the couch when I get home, staring at the wall. He doesn’t even turn to look at me before he speaks. “Alice’s mother called.”

I stare at him, perplexed. “Why?”

His shoulders slump. “She’s in the hospital.”

I collapse into a chair, every single part of my body suddenly numb. I open my mouth, but no sound comes out.

“She set that place on fire. The place you always go.” He bites his lip, his eyes still focused on the wall, as if the white paint holds all the answers to his questions.

“The Knoll?” I whisper. Suddenly it’s a holy word. A word that can’t be said above a whisper.

He nods. “I guess.”

I leap up and fumble with the zipper on my jacket. “Fuck!” I exclaim, my fingers trembling. My entire body is shaking. Shaking and shaking and...

Manuel jumps up and grabs my arm. “You can’t,” he says urgently.

“Let me go,” I say softly.

He shakes his head. “You’re too fucked up... You’re going to crash.”

“I’m fine,” I shout at him, pulling my arm free. “Let me go, okay? Just let me go!” I can’t breathe. My lungs are tight. Aching. This is what it means to be scared to death, I think. And I laugh.

Manuel grabs me. Both shoulders. His eyes connect with mine, his gaze intense. “X, you’re all I’ve got, okay?” His voice cracks. “Don’t go.”

I stare at him. Finally the zipper connects. I pull it up to my neck. “You ever been in love, Manuel?”

He shakes his head. “But...”

I hold up a hand. “You ever had a kid, Manuel?”

He shakes his head again, stomping his foot. “Listen!” He grabs my arm, fights me for my keys.

I throw him against the wall. “You don’t fucking get it!” I yell, my voice straining. “This is my family, Manny. This is all I’ve got.”

“Listen to me!” he screeches. “I’ll call Ty, okay? He’ll come! He’ll take you! Just... Just wait!”

But I shake my head. “I have to know.... If my baby’s okay.”

“Please... Let me call...” he pleads.

I run toward the door. “You’ll get it, someday,” I shout back at him, turning to look at him one last time before I slam it shut. “What it’s like to love somebody more than you love yourself.”

And then I pull the door shut behind me and sprint into the night.

* * *

“Alice Creevy?” I say anxiously. “You... Have you seen her?”

The woman behind the counter eyes me uninterestedly. “Your name?”

“Xavier Gonzalez,” I tell her, out of breath. “I’m her fiancé. Her baby’s father.”

She raises her eyebrows. “No ring.”

“I was going to get her one but... It’s complicated. Please. Let me see her.”

The nurse shakes her head. “You’re too young to be engaged.”

“She’s pregnant!” I protest.

She shrugs. “None of my business. Sorry. Immediate family only.”

I pound my fist on the counter. “I... Can’t you just tell me how she is? Is she okay? The baby? Is the baby okay?”

“Immediate family,” she repeats, chewing on the end of her pen. “Look, kid, go home. Get some sleep. Call her mother in the morning and ask her. And don’t even think about banging the counter again, unless you’d like an escort to your vehicle.”

I stare at her. “But... Her mother called my little brother. She said... That Alice was here. I need to see her. I’m her fiancé. I need to see her.”

“Her mother went home,” she says, shrugging.

“Can you call her? Can’t you ask if I can see her?”

She shakes her head. “I told you. Immediate family. You ain’t no brother of Alice’s, I can tell you that just by lookin’, and no way in hell am I letting you past me. Thank you and good night.”

I turn and walk numbly to the door. My hands are still shaking. Because I know. I was her last hope. I was all she had. I fucked it up. This is all my fault.

Shit, I think, rubbing my eyes vigorously. Shit.

* * *

“Hello?”

“Ty? I’m on a pay phone. She’s in the hospital, Ty. Alice. She set the Knoll on fire. She’s in the hospital. They won’t let me see her.” My hand is shaking so much I can hardly hold the phone.

I hear him gasp. “You there? At the hospital?”

I nod. Numb.

“X? Are you at the hospital?”

“Oh. Yeah. Yeah. The hospital. I’m... I’m there,” I stutter. Everything hurts, a piercing pain, twisting my insides, twisting and twisting and...

“I’m coming to get you, okay? Stay there. You can pick up your car in the morning, okay? Just stay there,” he says soothingly. “I’m coming to get you.”

I shake my head. “No! I’m not a little kid! I can drive myself!” I whine. Twisting and twisting and twisting... Everything I ever said to her being wrung out, every fight we’ve ever had flashing through my head.

“I’m coming to get you,” he says firmly. “You stay right there, okay? You get someone to wait with you. Garrett and I, we’ll come get you. You’ll be okay.”

“Don’t!” I shout, slamming the phone against the side of the booth. “I can take care of myself!” I shout into the receiver. “Leave me alone! I can take care of myself!” I hang up, my arm quaking.

A woman stops and touches my arm, a concerned look on her face. “You okay, young man?”

I nod. Smile. “I’m fine. Just... A little upset.”

She smiles back. “Good night, then.”

“Good night.”

I head for my car, my legs shaking beneath me, my keys rattling in my hand.

* * *

Headlights. A dotted line of headlights, parading somewhere I don’t want to go.

I dangle my legs over the edge of the overpass. People driving by honk their horns, shout out their windows. None of it matters to me.

If I slid off this railing I’d fall into the headlights. It would all be over. Just me interrupting the dots. Just me ruining someone’s life. As usual. Just the guy who loves the girl who thinks he loves somebody else. The guy who loves the crazy girl who threw a match into the field. The guy who loves the girl. Like some storybook, some romantic little story. Except it’s not romantic, and it’s not a story, and I wish I were dead.

I grip the railing with both hands. Lean back into the road. Cars swerve, afraid to hit me. Afraid to have my death on their hands. But they don’t really care if I die. They don’t really care that I’m sitting on an overpass, waiting to jump. They don’t really care that I just lost something ten times bigger than myself. They’re just glad that they’re not me. I don’t blame them. I wish I weren’t me, too.

Ty is probably looking for me. Combing the hospital parking lot, looking for Jacob. Crying. Holding Garrett, crying. Because he has someone to hold. Someone to hold him. Someone who won’t light a field on fire if he has sex with someone else. Someone who won’t ask him to pretend. But someone he would pretend for, if asked.

I kick the cement with my feet. Scuff my sneakers. How many hours did Mamá have to work to buy these? Six bucks an hour. Forty dollar shoes. Six and a half hours of scrubbing, scouring, vacuuming. Six and a half hours of work so her son could wear these shoes when he jumped off the overpass. I wonder how much a coffin costs. How many hours she’ll have to work, seeing my face in the bucket. Wishing she’d never been disappointed in me. Wishing she’d been home more. Wishing. Well regrets are great, Mamá, but they don’t really do much. She’s going to have a lifetime of regrets.

It doesn’t look so far. It might not even kill me, to hit the ground. How far is it? A hundred feet? One fifty? If impact didn’t kill me, someone would run over me. Hear the crunching sound of my skeleton under their tires. And they would wonder why they had to have the bad luck to hit some stupid, lovesick teenager who jumped off the overpass. They’d never stop to wonder how much bad luck that stupid kid must have had to make him want to do something that big.

I flex my ankles. I don’t want to just fall. But how else would I do it? The walls over the overpass aren’t just flat. They have these round metal tubes on them. So people like me won’t jump. As if that’s going to stop me. It just makes it easier to sit here. Gives me something to grip.

I pull one leg up. Kneel precariously on the rail. The wind is whipping around me, trying to blow me over. I grip the tubing with my fingers. It’s hard to hold on. All it would take would be one strong gust. But why should I care, whether it’s a gust or a jump? What does it matter to me?

I try to pull the other foot up. My balance falters. I pull back, hard. One leg is dangling over the side, one is safe on the overpass. I straddle the railing, holding myself up with my hands. I turn to face the street below me. The dotted line of headlights, going somewhere not all that important, going home to a wife and kids and all the things that I’m never going to have.

I swing my leg over the side. Sit on the railing. Back where I started. I scoot slowly forward, gripping the bar with both hands. My muscles straining. Perpendicular to the railing. I can do this. Just a little further....

Someone grabs my arms, both at the same time. Loops his arms around my chest, clasps his hands in front of me, and pulls. We both fall heavy on the cement. I hear his skull hit the ground.

I turn around. A redheaded boy stares at me wearily. “Jumping off a bridge. So cliche, X. I would have expected more from you.”

Ty crouches down and helps me up, then offers Garrett a hand. “She’s going to live, X. I called her mother. She’s burnt bad. But she’s going to live.”

“The baby?” I whisper.

He nods. “Fine. Alice’s back and legs are burnt pretty badly but... She’ll live. So will the baby. They’re both going to be okay.”

I stare at him, leaning back against the railing.

He grips my arm. “You understand me? Alice and your baby are alive. X? Your baby is alive.”

I shake my head. “It’s not mine,” I whisper.

Ty stares at me for a second. And then he nods. “Okay. It’s okay, dude.”

I sigh, leaning into him, biting my lip. “Can we go home?”

“Yeah,” he says, nodding. “Yeah. Let’s go home.”

November 23rd: All fucked up

2005-11-23T17:44:00.000-08:00

“That blows, man.” Ty exhales slowly, blowing his hair out of his face. “That really... Something about you two. I don’t know what it is. Crazy tension, though. It makes crazy tension.”

I sigh. “And I don’t want to spend my life with crazy tension. But... I don’t know. It’s my kid, too.”

And even if it isn’t, I can’t really back out of this now – everyone thinks it is. I’ve told this lie to everyone I know. I might as well go through with it.

“You know what I think it is?” he asks.

I glance over at him. “Your guess is as good as mine.”

He stares intently at the wall. “I think,” he says carefully, “that you’re both right.”

I raise my eyebrows.

“No, let me finish this.” He bites his lip, his eyes narrowing. “You’re both right – about each other. You’re right. She’s testing you. She’s seeing if you’re worth... Going there with. If you’re worth having around. Of if you’re just going to turn into her father if she puts too much pressure on you, or if you’re going to split. But she’s right about you, too. Neither of your realize you’re doing it. But with you, it’s like...” He sighs. “How do I put this? It’s like you’re waiting for someone to care back. Does that make sense? Like... You’re waiting for someone to see how much you help everybody and... For them to send that back to you, I guess.”

I chew on my lower lip. “You really think so? You really think that’s it?”

He nods. “And it’s like, you’re both so intent on catching the other one playing games... That you don’t really realize how badly you’re fucking up, yourself.”

It makes sense, almost. Except I don’t do that. I don’t even need help.

Do I?

* * *

Ty sips at a glass of orange juice, staring sleepily out the window. “You’re driving,” he announces.”

I groan. “It’s too early to drive.”

“Not my fault. He gets discharged at eight thirty, we’re going to be there at eight thirty.” He makes a face and pours the remaining juice into the sink. “Have I ever mentioned that I hate pulp?”

“Maybe you should’ve read the carton,” I say drily.

He rolls his eyes and takes a seat on the counter top. “My mother called my cell. Last night. While you were gone.”

I raise my eyebrows. “Did she now.”

“Yeah.” He tents his fingers and stares at them. “Said she’s working on him. My father. Said she thinks he’ll come around soon.” He snorts. “Yeah right.”

I set my coffee on the table, sighing. “He’s just surprised. And hurt. He’ll get over it.”

“I guess.” But he doesn’t sound convinced.

I stand up and grab my coffee. “You ready?”

He glances up at the clock, chewing his lip nervously. “I guess. I don’t know why, but this scares the crap out of me. Going to live with him. I’m way too young to be living with my boyfriend.”

“We’re growing up, aren’t we?” I remark, absentmindedly sipping my lukewarm coffee.

He nods. “Yeah,” he says softly. “I think we are.”

* * *

Eight thirty in the hospital parking lot. A redheaded, grinning, laughing Garrett being pushed out in a wheelchair. “I feel like a new mother in a Lifetime movie,” he confesses, standing up. He grips his side for a moment, his hand gripping the bandage visible beneath his shirt. But he’s smiling.

Ty wraps his arms around him, laughing, and kisses him on the cheek. “We’re too young to have kids.”

“Hey, X is getting a head start.” Garrett shoots me a devilish grin.

“At least my ass hasn’t been hanging out of my clothing for a week and a half,” I retort.

He laughs for an instant before his face contorts with pain. “Getting stabbed in the chest is such a bitch. Could’ve at least aimed for my arm or something...” He coughs, trying to smile, but the pain is still visible on his face.

Ty helps him into the van, his eyes never leaving Garrett’s. Once he’s safely buckled in, Ty turns to me.

“Thanks, dude,” he says softly, still clasping Garrett’s hand in his. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

I nod. “Okay.”

“Talk to Alice?” He gives me a hopeful look. “For me?”

I shake my head. “I don’t know... Things are complicated. I’ll think about it.”

He opens the door. “Good shit. Tomorrow, man.”

I nod. “Tomorrow.”

* * *

Manuel spoons macaroni and cheese into his mouth. “Amy called.”

I raise my eyebrows. “When?”

“This morning,” he says, his voice garbled.

I roll my eyes. “And you waited to tell me because...”

“Is it really that important?” He shrugs. “It’s just Amy.”

I want to yell at him, but I don’t know what to say. He’s right. It is “just Amy”. Amy, my ex-girlfriend. Amy, the one who moved away. Amy, no longer a part of my life. Amy, the girl who has nothing to do with me. Just Amy. So why do I care if I missed her call?

“Just tell me next time,” I say, sighing. “I like to know when people call me.”

He stares at me, shoving another spoonful of macaroni and cheese between his lips. “Thought you were marrying Alice, anyway. Why do you want to talk to Amy?”

I poke my own dinner with a fork, some burned leftover grocery store quiche we ate sometime last week. I don’t think it was meant to cook in the microwave. “Manny, dude, thanks for your help, but I can take care of myself.”

He shrugs. “Just think you’re stupid about girls.”

“Looked in a mirror lately?” I mutter irritably.

Manuel looks down at his plate. “Why the hell do you do that?”

I raise my eyebrows. He stabs his macaroni disinterestedly with his fork.

“You can’t admit it when you’re wrong. Or when you’re being stupid. You stick your foot down your throat and then you tell everyone else how fucked up they are.” He mashes the pasta into the plate, a disgusting orange mound. “I did what I could, okay? What I had to. I’d do it again.”

I shake my head. “That’s disgusting, Manuel,” I spit, pushing my own food around my plate. “How do you sleep at night? Knowing what you did? Are you proud of yourself? Think you’re some kind of hero?” I poke the charred mass with a knife.

“No matter what I did you’d be angry with me!” he squeals, suddenly in tears, throwing his plate on the ground. It shatters with a sickening crash. “Nothing anyone does ever makes you happy! No matter what I do!”

“Manuel...” I say slowly, but he shakes his head.

“Just leave me alone. You’ve fucked up enough,” he mutters, rising shakily from his chair and running away.

I stare at the shattered ceramic pieces on the floor, mixed with bits of stale macaroni, and I start to laugh. But I don’t really know why.

* * *

“Hello?”

“Hey. It’s Amy.”

I sit down on the couch. “Hey.”

“I called earlier... Manuel said you were out. It was kind of early.”

“Oh.” I draw spiral designs on an old newspaper. “Yeah. Friend was getting out of the hospital. One of those days.”

She laughs uncomfortably. “Who was in the hospital?”

The image of Garrett and Ty kissing swims into my mind. I’m not sure it’s my place to tell Amy this kind of thing. “Friend of a friend. You never knew him.”

“Oh.” She pauses for a moment. “Well, I’m driving in tomorrow. Going to stay with Sera till Dad and Cindy – you know, his fiancé? – gets up here. Did you want to... You know... Have dinner or something?”

I drop my pen. “Um... I don’t know.” Alice’s face flashes into my head, hurt and angry and tear-streaked and desolate. “I mean, it might...” I breathe in deeply, closing my eyes.

“Xavier? You okay?”

I nod. “Um, yeah. Just... Yeah. Dinner sounds good.”

And it does. It sounds good. It sounds great. And why shouldn’t it? My little American dream is over. The white picket fence and the baby and wife... That’s gone. I’m going to college. I can date if I want to. I’m free. I’m totally free.

... Right?

“Good. I’ll call when I get there or something? We can work out details.”

I smile and nod. “Right. Good. Um, look, I’ve got to go. Call me. Good.”

“You sure you’re okay?” she asks again.

I laugh. “Great. Perfect. Never better. Call me tomorrow night. Around five. I’ll be here. Waiting. Bated breath.”

“Right.” She sounds skeptical. “If you’re sure. Okay. Bye, then. Take care of yourself, okay? I’ll call tomorrow.”

I nod. “Tomorrow. Sounds great. Bye.”

I shouldn’t feel this guilty. I shouldn’t feel guilty at all. Should I? Things with Alice are as good as over. Except how do I just leave a baby that’s supposed to be mine? I drop the phone into its cradle and sigh.

“You okay?”

I turn. Manuel is standing on the stairs, maybe five or six steps up, watching me.

“I’m sorry,” he says after a moment, staring at the ground. “I... I don’t know. I was angry. It... You’re just trying. Same as anybody else.”

I nod. “Yeah. I guess.” I sigh. “It just doesn’t make that much sense. I don’t make that much sense. Are people supposed to make sense?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe... We make sense. We just can’t make sense of ourselves.”

“Maybe,” I say quietly, staring at the phone. I pick up my pen off the ground. “Things are crazy, sometimes. I think I’m crazy, sometimes.”

“I think everybody thinks they’re crazy,” he replies.

I sigh, staring down at my hands, cracked and calloused and old. The hands of a bricklayer’s son. I can’t escape my father. Can’t escape his broken promises, can’t shake that empty place inside where he’s supposed to be. “I think I must be crazy. I do everything I know I shouldn’t. I’m fucking everything up. Why do I always have to mess with everything?” I stab at my palm with the tip of the pen.

“I don’t know,” Manuel says helplessly, shrugging. “I... Maybe you don’t really want this. So you’re trying to get in your own way. Or maybe... Maybe you want it...”

I stare at him, biting my lip. “Maybe I want it so badly that I don’t think I deserve it.”

His eyebrows lower. “But why wouldn’t you?”

“Because I suck,” I say finally, staring at my hands. “Because I just suck.”

And I think that must be it.

* * *

That fact is still ringing in my head when Amy rings the doorbell the next day, wearing a skimpy brown dress and a smile.

“You look great,” I say, forcing a smile. And she does. Her hair is longer than I remember it, brown and red and wavy and down to her waist. Her eyes are startlingly blue.

And yet, I can’t stop thinking about Alice.

Amy grabs my hand and pulls me out the door. I yank it shut behind me, my arm twisting around. But I smile. She smiles back, her teeth a dazzling shade of white. Everything is perfect. Why can’t I just be happy?

She smiles up at me. “You want to drive?”

I shrug.

She tosses me the keys. “Go crazy.”

I smile weakly, collapsing into the driver’s seat, gripping the steering wheel. It seems like it’s been forever since I drove this car. Since I was with her. And maybe it has been. I glance at my reflection in the rearview mirror. My eyes are tired. Older. Weary.

“It’s so good to be back,” she exclaims, leaning over and kissing me lightly on the cheek. I turn the key in the ignition. “I’ve missed this place so much. You don’t think people will still be angry, do you? About what I did?”

Yes, I think to myself. But I just shrug, easing the car out of the driveway and into the street.

“Let’s go to the park,” she says suddenly, quieter. I glance over at her. The park. How many times did we spend hours there, on a blanket on the grass, lips suctioned together, our bodies twisting and turning and writhing, only stopping occasionally to stare up at the stars? I know that’s what she expects. I know that’s what she wants. She wants it to be like she never left. Like she never followed me home, or got pregnant, or ruined some innocent guy’s life, or moved away. Like nothing ever changed.

But I’ve changed.

She smiles at me. “Come on,” she urges. “It’s so pretty there at night. It’ll be perfect”

And it is pretty there at night, the stars shining through the trees, the moon hanging over the lake... It’s beautiful. It was beautiful. Before the Knoll, it was the most beautiful place in the world. Before Alice, she was the most beautiful girl in the world. And before everything changed, it would have been perfect.

But how am I supposed to explain that to her?

“Yeah. Okay.”

Why did I just say that?

November 21st: Back to Reality

2005-11-21T14:29:00.000-08:00

I’m still shaking when I get to the Knoll. Still shaking as I turn off Jacob, stumble to the grass, and sit down. Still shaking as I bury my face in my hands and close my eyes and whisper promises I know that I won’t keep.

I remember when I was fourteen and I hit my growth spurt. I grew six inches in four months, gained thirty-five pounds of muscle, started having to shave every day. But I don’t think my inside ever caught up. I was still the same immature X, the one who skated around problems and avoided thinking about the past by concentrating on everyone else.

And now I’m finally catching up. Finally learning to be a man, to be more than just some gangly kid trapped in a man’s body. Soon I’ll have a family. Soon I’ll have a wife and a child who depend on me. Soon it’s going to be my job to give an innocent, fragile piece of flesh everything that I just threw away.

Maybe I can teach my child to stand up for herself. To respect herself enough to not just say anything for the boy she loves. Alice and I both made that mistake, in one way or another. That’s why we’re here. That’s why we’re stuck. And already, I can feel that much for this child. An overwhelming desire that he will never be stuck.

I guess this might be how things are supposed to happen. Maybe I wasn’t meant for greatness, wasn’t meant to be the first in my family to make something of myself. But when you think about it, have I really given that up? Who says that providing for a family isn’t something extraordinary? Maybe I won’t be a household name. Maybe I won’t be a great inventor, or athlete, or intellectual, or the next president of the United States. Maybe I’ll never be able to afford that new house for my mother, or buy Manuel a college education, or get a decent car of my own. Maybe my child won’t have all the newest clothes or electronics. But who can fault me for stepping up and helping out a friend? Who can fault me for loving a child and giving him everything I have? Who can say that isn’t good enough?

Maybe Mamá is right. Maybe I’m throwing everything away. Or maybe I’m just taking a different path.

Maybe I’ll even be happier, this way.

* * *

“Alice just called. Crying. She wants you to call her back.”

I stare at Ty, then grab the phone out of his hands and dial Alice’s number.

“Hello?”

I lean against the wall. “Alice? You okay?”

“No,” she says, her voice shaky. “She’s really angry, X. She thinks... I don’t know what she thinks. But it’s not good. I think... I think she thinks that this is like what happened... You know...”

“Calm down,” I say slowly, soothingly. “Just tell me what’s going on. Breathe.”

“She thinks this is like what my dad did to her,” she says in a rush.

I feel like someone punched me in the stomach. Ty glances at me, his eyes questioning, concerned.

“She thinks I...”

Alice lets out a choked, sputtering noise. “I told her not! I told her! This isn’t fair... What did you ever even do...”

“Why does she think that?” I ask slowly, sliding to the ground.

Alice exhales shakily. “I don’t even know. After you left she kept asking me questions, how it happened, why we didn’t... You know... Use protection. And then she asked if you... If you... You know... And I said of course not, but I was still shaking and crying and I guess she thought I wasn’t telling the truth... And she says she’s always thought you were a bad influence on me and that you were too angry but she never thought you’d...”

“I can’t... And you let her think that?” My stomach is twisting, turning, cartwheeling.

“I told her she was wrong! I tried to convince her but... She doesn’t want to believe that it’s my fault!” She’s crying.

I shake my head. “I have to go.”

“Meet me at the Knoll? Please?”

“I have to go.”

“Please!”

“I have to go,” I say, harsher.

“Seven o’clock. After dinner. Just come, okay? I need –“

I hang up the phone and sit numbly on the floor. Ty comes over and puts an arm around my shoulder.

“You okay?”

I shake my head. “I thought it was actually gonna work out....” I laugh wearily. “How stupid was I, anyway?”

* * *

But I show up.

She wraps her arms around me when she sees me, the sleeves of her sweater pulled down over her hands. “I don’t know how things got to be this way,” she whispers.

I pull away. “I can’t marry you.”

“What?” She stares at me. Disbelieving.

“I can’t marry you if your mother thinks I raped you. Next she’ll be calling every day thinking I’ve been beating you and...” I shake my head, massaging my temples. “No. It won’t work. Alice... This won’t work.”

“Will you stop acting like this is about you?” she asks angrily.

I stare at her. “Your mother is crying rape for chrissake, Alice! She really thinks I would do that to you! And you’re no better! You think I’m going to hit you, she thinks I raped you, why can’t you... Why the hell won’t you two just realize that I’m not like that?” I demand.

She shakes her head, tears starting in her eyes. “But I don’t... I don’t think you’d hurt me... I love you, okay?” A drop of saline trickles down her cheek. “And my mother... She doesn’t mean it... She’s just scared, she doesn’t want to face the truth...”

“What the hell is the truth?” I shout. “You don’t want her to believe the truth! You want her to believe your own convenient lie! The truth is that some guy committed statutory rape and got you pregnant! The truth is that we’ve never even had sex! Her idea is about as close to the truth as your story is!”

Alice bites her lip, tears coming stronger now. “But I just want this baby to...”

I shake my head. “You don’t give a shit about the baby. You don’t give a shit about me, either. All you care about is yourself. How to keep yourself out of trouble. You’re probably still seeing him, aren’t you?” I demand. “Aren’t you?”

She steps back. “X, stop it!”

“Why the hell do you always have to be the happy one, Alice?” I yell, my face red, my stomach knotted. “Why the hell d’you always gotta be okay? You know what? I’m not okay! I’m being accused of raping my best friend! I’m giving up my entire future for a girl who only cares about manipulating me! Someone who has done nothing but lie to me for weeks and months and years!”

“Stay away from me,” she warns, stepping back again.

I walk right up to her. I can feel her breath on my chest, shaking, scared. My hands are clenched into fists at my sides. “You act like you’re the only one who’s ever had it bad,” I say in a low voice. “You think everyone owes you something because your dad was a rotten piece of shit. All I’ve ever tried to do was help you. And this is how you treat me.”

She backs away. “Please,” she says, in the smallest voice. “Xavier, please.”

I shake my head. “I’m so sick of you treating me like this. I’m so sick of you taking advantage of me and using me to help make your life easier. I think your life has been easy enough, Alice. You know that? I think your life has been a fucking picnic.” My knuckles hurt from the tension. I clench my fist harder. Harder. Harder. “The picnic is over, okay? It’s fucking done.” I turn away. Because I know I would, if I looked at her one more second. I know I would be the man she keeps trying to force me to be.

“You know why I asked you to help me?” she asks, her voice low, trembling. “You know why? Because I knew you were the guy who would never walk out on me. Would never leave. I knew that no matter how much shit I put you through -- and I knew I was gonna put you through a lot of shit – that you wouldn’t leave me.” She laughs. Bitter. Angry. “Guess I was wrong? You’re just like your father, aren’t you? You stay until it gets tough. You stay until you get hurt. And then you just run. But you’re never going to get away, you stupid pig. Nothing’s chasing you. It’s inside of you. That’s why things are bad. That’s why your life is bad.” She laughs again. Mocking. “You keep saving everybody else because you hope someday someone will tell you to stop. Someone will make you save yourself. Because you’re lower down than anyone I’ve ever met, Xavier. You’re lower down than anyone can save.”

I spit in the grass and run to my car, my fists shaking. I want so badly to turn around and hit her. Want so badly to break her nose, to give her a black eye, a busted lip, a broken rib.

Because she’s right. She’s right, she’s right, she’s right, she’s right... And I wish like hell she were wrong.

November 20th: Confrontation with a callous bitch

2005-11-20T16:10:00.000-08:00

Ty is asleep on the couch when I get home. He stirs when I walk through the door.

“You okay?” he asks sleepily, peering up at my tear-streaked face.

I nod. “Rough night.”

“She okay?” he asks, rubbing his eyes.

I shrug. “I don’t know. I really don’t.” I glance at the VCR clock. “I am so, so glad that tomorrow is Saturday.”

“Tell me about it.” He yawns. “Garrett gets out Sunday. So one more night, here. Is that okay?”

I nod. “Sure.” I stifle a yawn. “Mari will probably make breakfast sometime late tomorrow morning... Just humor her... If the smell of cooking eggs makes you nauseous, let her know, she can do waffles instead.”

“I love eggs,” he says, grinning tiredly and licking his lips.

I roll my eyes. “I was really hoping you wouldn’t.”

But I still smile. Wearily.

* * *

Sure enough, Mari is standing at the stove when I stomp down the stairs at noon. “Scrambled eggs?” She grins at me.

I pretend to gag, although with the smell quickly overwhelming me it’s not too hard to pretend. “Do you...”

She nods toward the microwave. “Your coffee and Brat Cakes are in there.”

Brat Cakes are revolting breakfast items consisting of a biscuit sandwich stuffed with a pancake, a pat of butter, two pieces of bacon, and a couple of Fruit Loops. Manuel and I invented them when we were in elementary school. Noone else understands their appeal. Mamá and Mari doubted their nutritional value and would refuse to make the pancakes for them. Since we were too young to work the stove ourselves, we just whined for ages like the little brats that we were until Mari would finally throw her hands up and agree to make “the little brats’ cakes”, which was of course misunderstood as “Brat Cakes”. And so our disgusting handiwork was named.

Ty wrinkles his nose as I scarf one down. “Did I just see a piece of sugary fruit cereal imbedded in your pancake?”

I snort, my mouth full, and nod. “It’s good,” I say after I swallow. “You should try one.”

He shakes his head. “And you say eggs make you nauseous.”

Manuel stumbles down the stairs a few minutes later and claims his own helping of Brat Cakes, then sits down across from Ty. “You’re actually eating those?” he asks, skeptically pointing at Ty’s eggs.

Ty laughs. “I could say the same to you.”

Manny takes a huge bite out of his biscuit. “These are actually good,” he mumbles.

“You’re outnumbered, Tyler,” Mari informs him from the sink, where she’s scrubbing the burnt-on cooking spray from the frying pan. “Just go with it.”

Ty rolls his eyes and laughs. “I guess I have no choice.”

And for a second, we forget. For a second, we laugh – for real.

I think these cumulative seconds are keeping me alive.

* * *

I’m not sure there’s anything more uncomfortable than watching Ms. Creevy watch me. Her eyes are focused on my hands, which are resting on my knees, my palms sweating all over my jeans.

I clear my throat.

Alice glances at me, creasing the edge of her skirt with her thumb and forefinger as if she’s never done anything more interesting.

Ms. Creevy raises her eyebrows. I turn my gaze to the floor. Beige carpeting has never appeared so fascinating.

“Mom...” Alice beings. Then her mouth snaps shut.

Her mother coughs pointedly and smiles at her daughter. I’ve never seen a smile look so cold.

There is something unbearably harsh about Ms. Creevy that makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells. It’s amazing, to hear Alice talk about her, because I can’t imagine that she’d ever take any shit from anyone. She’s the kind of person who sends her plate back at restaurants if her every demand isn’t met. She wears suits even at home. As if they’re comfortable, or something. She puts my teeth on edge.

“I really need to get back to work, dear.”

Alice stares at her mother, pleadingly, asking for more time. Ms. Creevy shakes her head. Bitch.

I probably shouldn’t be thinking this way about my future mother-in-law.

Alice sighs. “I...” But she doesn’t finish. She closes her mouth, her lower lip trembling.

Her mother rolls her eyes. “I suggest you get yourself together, young lady. I have things to do that take slight precedence over listening to you stutter.”

Alice looks at me, biting her lip. Please.

“Ms. Creevy?”

Her eyes connect with mine.

“Alice is pregnant. I mean... We. We’re pregnant. Alice and me.”

Her mother eyes me warily. “Is she now.”

I nod.

She looks over at Alice. “Is that true?”

Alice nods.

Ms. Creevy turns back to me. “Who do you think you are,” she says slowly, smiling coldly, “to have sex with my daughter?”

I stare at my hands. “I... We...”

“Mom, stop,” Alice protests weakly.

Her mother holds up a hand. “No, I’m really curious, dear. I’ve trusted this boy with you. I’ve let him spend time with you unsupervised. And he thanks me how? By taking you out and having unprotected sex with my daughter?” She shakes her head, her smile growing, her eyes focused on mine. “You have some nerve, Xavier. Taking advantage of --”

“Mom, stop!” Alice shouts, putting her hands over her ears. “Stop it! Stop it stop it stop it! I did it too, okay? I did it too!” Tears race down her cheeks. She squeezes her eyes shut.

Ms. Creevy stares at her for a second, her eyes softening. Then she turns her gaze to me, as hard as ever.

“Get out of my house. And stay away from my daughter.”

I stare at her. “But... I’m the father of her child!”

Ms. Creevy shakes her head and sighs. “Just get out. Please. Just leave us be for awhile.”

I stand up, but my legs are shaking. “I’ll leave, for now... But I’m going to marry your daughter, ma’am. It’s something... I guess you’ll just have to learn to accept.”

She closes her eyes and points at the door. Her hand is trembling. “Get out.”

I nod and look at Alice. She gestures toward the door. Love you, I mouth.

She nods.

And I may do it on quaking legs, but I walk out that door a man.

November 19th (later): In which Alice and X have the most intense fight scene ever

2005-11-19T23:40:00.000-08:00

I knock softly on the open door. “Garrett?”

He rolls over and eyes me sleepily, then glances at the clock. “Why aren’t you in school?”

“A friend needed me,” I say, smiling tightly.

His shoulders sink. “Naw. Not... He wouldn’t.”

I sigh. “Ty’s father kicked him out, and his mother’s not going anywhere.”

“He staying with you?”

I shake my head. “We don’t have the money,” I apologize, except it’s not an apology, it’s just shame... How many times have I had to say that? How many times will I have to say it again?

Garrett shrugs. “Yeah. Okay. I’ll call Ma. But tell him no promises... I’m not sure... Just...”

“It’s okay,” I interrupt. “I’ll tell him. He’s on my couch, for now. We can put him up for a couple nights but... We can’t, you know...”

“It’s okay,” he says quietly. “I understand.”

“Yeah. Okay. I’ll tell him.”

I turn, pulling the door shut behind me, but just before it clicks, he calls my name. “Hey, X.”

I stick my head back into the room. “Yeah?”

“Can you tell him... You know...” His voice is tight. His fingers run delicately over the chain around his neck. “Tell him I love him.”

“Sure,” I say gently. “Sure.”

* * *

Alice is waiting for me at the Knoll. “You weren’t at school,” she accuses. There are dark grey circles underneath her eyes.

“Yeah. I know.” I sit down beside her, crossing my legs like we did back in kindergarten.

She reaches up to touch my cheek, running her fingers over it. “Growing a beard?”

“Forgot to shave,” I say shortly.

Alice bites her lip and pulls her hand away. “Yeah.” She leans her head cautiously on my shoulder.

“Don’t,” I mutter, jerking out from under her. She pulls back and sighs.

“You gonna be my dad, X?” she asks quietly. “That what you’re going for?”

I give her a withering look. “Cut me some slack, won’t you?”

“You’re angry and you’re impulsive and... It’s scaring me.” She stares up at me, tears welling up in her eyes.

I roll my eyes. “Shut the fuck up about your dad. At least you had one.”

“Yeah, and I just loved our relationship. Because it’s so much fun to hear your mother’s skull hit the bathroom tile.” She snorts and looks away, shaking her head.

I sigh. “Alice, please...”

“I just don’t know what’s wrong with you, okay?” She glances at me over her shoulder. “I don’t understand you, and you don’t talk about anything.”

“What, you think I’m going to kill myself? Think I’m going to pull a Brady on you?” I spit at her.

She wraps her arms around her legs, resting her head on her knees. “You’re just unpredictable, okay? You get into these stormy moods.... One minute you’re freaking out about raising a kid and the next minute you’re vowing to be the best father ever...”

“What kind of parents are we going to be, anyway?” I interrupt her. “Between us we’ve got what, some wife beater, some bum, a self-absorbed workaholic, and an illiterate hotel maid who’s never home?” I throw my hands up in the air. “How the hell are we supposed to know what to do? When are we gonna figure it out?”

She shakes her head. “Why can’t you just accept this for what it is? Why can’t you just step up and do what you agreed to do?”

“Because I agreed to be a father, and I don’t know jack shit about what that means!”

She turns slowly and looks me in the eye. “Don’t yell at me.” Her voice is tight, dangerous.

“Fucking stop me, okay? Just fucking stop me!” I shout.

She grabs my wrist. “X...”

“Don’t touch me!” I jerk my arm out of her grasp.

“Stop it.”

“I can’t do this.”

“Stop it,” she commands, harsher this time.

I shake my head. “This is crazy, Alice. I can’t do this. You can’t handle me. I’m crazy.”

“You watched a man die, you covered for your sister’s lie all your life, you put up with all my drama, you have every right to –“

“You think I’m gonna hit you?” I ask her, my heart racing.

She stares at me. “X...”

“You think I’m going to? Today? Someday? You afraid of that, Alice Creevy? You think I’m gonna hit you?”

She bites her lip. “X, stop it! Stop it!”

“That’s what you expect of me? To be like your father? To hit my wife and scare the shit out of my kid? That’s what you expect?”

She shakes her head. “X, I don’t know, okay? I don’t know!”

“That why you picked me? You think I’m going to beat the crap out of you every night? Think I’m gonna be crazy? Why the hell did you pick me, Alice, if that’s what you expect of me?”

Tears are streaming down her face. “Because I love you!”

“Liar!” I explode. “You don’t fucking love me! You never did! You just want me to do shit for you, help you out, make you happy! You don’t give a shit about me, Alice! You don’t give a shit about anybody!”

She shakes her head. “And how the hell would you know that? Just because you don’t care about yourself doesn’t mean nobody does!”

I stare at her. “I care about myself,” I tell her. “I –“

She cuts me off. “If you cared about yourself you wouldn’t have agreed to this! This is destroying your future, X! This is fucking up your entire life, your fucking perfect future!” She shakes her head wildly. “You don’t fucking believe you can do it! You’ve been looking for an excuse to get out of it because you’re afraid you’ll disappoint her! I’m you’re way out, aren’t I? You’d rather disappoint your mother now than give her hope and fail later!”

Something deep and uncontrolled is building up inside of me. “Don’t talk about my mother like that.”

“Your mother is just a selfish bitch who wants you to support her when you’re rich!” she explodes.

And it breaks. I grab her by the shoulders. “Shut up!”

She shakes her head. “You know it’s true! She’s never home, X! She doesn’t love you! She doesn’t give a shit about you!”

I shake her violently. “Don’t you ever talk about my mother that way! Ever!”

She jerks from my grasp. “You let her treat you like shit because you think you deserve it, don’t you? Because it’s your own fucking fault that your father left, cos you –“

I grab her by the arm and pull her toward me. “Stop.” My voice is low, balanced. Everything inside of me is still.

“It’s your fault, isn’t it?” She raises her eyebrows. Daring me.

My right hand clenches into a fist. But I turn away.

“If you keep trying to make me into your father, I’m going to turn into mine,” I say softly. And then I walk slowly back to my car, slam the door, and close my eyes.

It takes me half an hour to stop shaking.

* * *

“Can I ask you a question?”

Ty shrugs, rubbing his forehead. “Shoot.” He’s been sleeping all day, but he still sounds tired. No, not tired. Weary. Anyone can be tired. Weariness only comes with a little wisdom.

“What’s the deal with fathers?”

He stares at me silently.

“I mean, they either leave, or they beat up on you, or they beat up on your mom, or they make you leave, or they drink or shoot themselves or –“

He holds up a hand. “And how are you supposed to be a father, when those are your role models? When you’ve never met a good guy?”

“Yeah,” I say slowly. “I guess.”

“There are lots of good fathers, X,” he says, shrugging. “Guys who make mistakes, sometimes. You don’t have to be a perfect father. But just because you don’t do everything right doesn’t mean you’re going to do it all wrong.”

“But what if I really do fuck things up? Beyond repair?”

Ty shakes his head. “Don’t anticipate problems. Just deal with them when they come.”

“How do you do that?” I ask quietly.

“What?”

I shrug. “Make me feel like everything is fine when nothing is going right.”

“I don’t make you feel better,” he says softly, closing his eyes and relaxing into the cushions. “I just help you make yourself feel better.”

And for a few minutes, that’s good enough for me.

* * *

“Hello?”

“Hey. Guess who’s moving back next week?”

She sounds so happy. I can’t remember the last time she was really happy about anything. She always seemed to fragile, so ready to break.

“Awesome! So you guys found a house?”

Amy laughs. “Dad bought it sight unseen. He’s impulsive like that. But I wanted to start school by November, and I want some time to adjust first. Courses here are a little ahead of the ones – sorry, am I blabbering?”

I shrug. “A little.”

“You know how it is with me – when I open my mouth, an idiot starts talking. So, how are you?”

“I’m okay,” I say, smiling tiredly. “Taking care of a friend going through a rough spot, thinking about where I’m going to send in apps...”

“College apps? I thought you weren’t –“

“No,” I interrupt. “Job apps. I need a job, for the baby and all...”

“Oh,” she says awkwardly. “Oh. Sorry. I keep forgetting that you’re going to be a father. Tell me to shut up if this is too personal, but is it like... Scary? Or just exciting?”

I shrug. “Um, I really don’t know. Both?”

“Yeah, I’d guess so.” Someone in the background mumbles something. “Listen, X, I have to go, but... Oh! That’s right! I got so caught up in blabbering on that I forgot to tell you the big news.”

“I thought you moving back in a week was the big news,” I say, surprised.

She laughs. “No.” The background voice says something again. “Erg! I have to go. I’m really sorry. Dad’s being a pain in the – yes, I know Daddy, I’m sorry, I’ll be off in a... Okay. Look, X, I have to go. I’ll call you tomorrow?”

“Um, sure...”

“Love you. Bye.” There’s a click as she hangs up the phone.

I raise my eyebrows and set the phone in its cradle. Ty peers in from the living room. “What was that about?”

I stare at him for a second. “You know what?”

“What?”

I shake my head. “I honestly don’t know.”

* * *

Alice slips a note into my opened pack as she walks by my locker. I watch her walk down the hallway, then stare into space for a minute before I tear it open.

It’s short. But it says more than I ever thought words could.

X,

I want an excuse to feel sorry for myself and blame you. I want an excuse to hate you so much it hurts and I just want to scream and scream and scream. But you’ve always been so perfect to me. You were right. I was wrong.

Alice

* * *

Alice,

Sometimes I want to hit you just because I think that’s what you want me to do. I don’t really understand why you want me to do it. But I know you do. Maybe because all other men have treated you like shit and you want me to do it, too, so you can make sweeping generalizations about my sex.

But I don’t want to hurt you. I just want you to be happy.

X

I fold the note like a paper football and flick it onto her desk. She reads it and smiles at me, then rips a piece of paper from her binder.

X,
I am happy.
Alice

Alice,
I think you’re a liar, but sometimes I am, too. Speaking of undesirable psychiatric traits, Amy’s moving back next week. She’s supposed to call me tonight.
X

X,
If you talk to that crazy bitch again I might hate you.
Alice

Alice,
Why does it matter who I talk to? I’m going to marry you. Doesn’t that say anything?
X

X,
It says “If you keep talking to Amy I see a divorce in our future”. Very distinctly. That is exactly what it says.
Alice

Alice,
Are you jealous?????
X

X,
I refuse to answer that question.
Alice

Alice,
On the grounds...
X

X,
On the grounds that it’s retarded.
Alice

Alice,
Is that a “yes” I hear?
X

Alice?
X

Alice,
Ty and I are going for coffee at three thirty... Can you humble yourself enough to come?
X

X,
I suppose. But if anyone asks me why I’m sitting with such an incredible loser, we’ll have to have a story.
Alice

Alice,
I can pretend I am your nerdy, band-dork stalker who followed you to the coffee shop because I want you to ‘finger my clarinet’, if you know what I mean.
X

X,
Like, ew.
Alice

Alice,
:-D
X

She looks over at me and smiles. I smile back.

* * *

“So what’s the scoop on Amy?” Ty asks, leaning back in his chair.

I shrug, warming my fingers around my mug. “I really don’t know. I think she’s got some kind of news, and it sounds like it’s good news, but who knows?”

“She’s supposed to call you tonight?”

I nod. “Yeah. I guess. I hope it’s nothing big. I really do. I can’t take any more big news right now.” I massage my temples. Ty smiles sympathetically.

Alice walks over with a steaming mug of coffee. “Band geek stalker. Tyler.” She nods.

I grin. “Oh my fucking god, you fucking rock, please won’t you please let me –“

She cuts me off. “I can do without the disturbing Eminem quotes, but thanks for trying.”

“Anything for you, madame,” I say, bowing my head.

Ty groans. “So, Alice, how’s the...” He nods awkwardly toward her stomach.

She laughs. “Sickening. Ugly. Freakish. Obnoxious.” We exchange a look. “A lot like its father.”

I grin. “I’m so proud.”

“But you’re okay? Have you told your mother yet?”

Alice shakes her head. “Scared what she’ll say,” she admits quietly. “Not so much that she’ll get mad as that... She won’t care. Or she won’t want to help. Because I know X’s family...” She shrugs.

“Can’t afford it,” I finish, staring at the floor.

“It’s okay.” She puts her hand on mine, gripping it. “Not like it’s your fault.”

Ty smiles. “So when are you guys getting married?”

Alice looks at me, her eyebrows lowered. “I really don’t know.”

I shrug. “Soon, I guess. We want to be married... Before the baby gets here.”

“Probably just a civil ceremony.”

“Just family. Close friends.”

“No dress or anything.”

“Yeah.”

He laughs. “You’ve never talked about it before, have you?”

I grin sheepishly. “We were kind of busy freaking out.”

Alice squeezes my hand. “We’re gonna be okay though, right? We’re gonna do this good.”

“Yeah.” I nod. “Of course.”

Ty glances at me, his eyebrows raised. Alice stares at our hands, clasped together. I bite my lip and look at the floor.

All three of us know it’s a lie.

* * *

Garrett sits up when he sees Ty, muting the television. I stand at the door and watch them. It’s amazing to me, how they interact. First they hug, gripping each other so tightly I think they both might suffocate. Then they kiss, quickly, not the heavy making out of teenagers but the committed peck of a couple who are more like old friends. And then Garrett scoots to the side and Ty crawls into the bed, careful not to dislocate the IVs biting into Garrett’s skin. They lay side by side, not speaking, not moving, Ty’s head resting on Garrett’s shoulder.

“Ma says you can stay with us,” Garrett says softly. “I get out of here in a couple of days. She says you’ll have to sleep in the basement, but...”

Ty grins. “They’re setting you free?”

Garrett nods. “They say I’m pretty much healed up. Miracle though it is.” He fingers Ty’s lip. “You getting those stitches out?”

He shrugs. “They were supposed to come out tomorrow, but I don’t have...”

“We’ll get it done,” Garrett says softly, running his fingers over them again. “When I get out of here, right? We’ll get it done.” He smiles. But there’s something wrong.

Ty picks up on it too. “What’s wrong?”

“Look, my mother... She doesn’t believe it, okay?” He sighs. “She thinks we’re just friends. I tried to tell her but...”

“But she has to know. She was here when you gave your statement. How could she...” Ty shakes his head, biting his lip.

Garrett sighs again. “I don’t know how to make her believe it. I know she knows it, she just... Doesn’t want to think it’s true. And when it finally hits her, I don’t know –“

Ty puts a finger to his lips. “It’s okay. I’ll find somewhere, okay? If it comes to that.”

“I just hate that it would have to,” Garrett says quietly. “When I’m right here.”

I don’t understand it. The way they always seem to be okay with each other. How nothing ever seems like it could drive them apart. It’s beyond my comprehension.

But something about it makes me smile. It gives me some hope, that someday I can have that. That someday I can understand myself enough to let another person understand me.

* * *

“Ready for the news?”

“Hello to you, too.” I perch myself on the edge of the kitchen counter, swinging my legs.

Amy laughs. “Have you been holding your breath all day? Because it’s really not that interesting.”

I exhale deeply. “Good. I mean... I hope it’s good.”

“It is,” she says, laughing again. “So you want to hear it?”

“Hit me.”

She pauses for a moment. I try to control my heartbeat.

“My father’s getting married!”

I twist the cord around my fingers, my eyebrows lowering, my heart still racing.

And then it hits me.

“That’s great!” I exclaim.

And it is. It really is. It’s the first good news I’ve heard in what seems like forever. It’s the first news I’ve heard that hasn’t played with my emotions, or made me cry, or killed something inside of me. “That’s great,” I repeat. “Really great.”

And I mean it.

I have never been so happy to be so underwhelmed.

* * *

Ty laughs. “And you were all tense over it, too.”

I throw a pillow at him. “Hey, usually when people tell me big news, it’s something like ‘I’m gay, and my boyfriend got stabbed’ or ‘I’m pregnant with your baby’. This? This I like. This I could get used to.”

He rolls his eyes and throws it back at me, pegging me in the chest. “You insinuating that you don’t appreciate my news?”

“You make my life interesting,” I say, shrugging. “But I think my life is about as interesting as I can handle, right now.”

He nods. “Mine, too.”

“Do you think I should buy Alice a ring?” I ask suddenly.

Ty shrugs. “I don’t know. Do you want to buy Alice a ring?”

“I can’t afford to buy Alice a ring,” I groan. “But I feel like I should, you know? Maybe I should just wait and get her a pretty nice wedding band and call it a day.”

“You’re really getting married, aren’t you?” he says, almost disbelievingly.

I nod, biting my lip, staring at the floor. “I really am.”

I’m still waiting for it to hit me.

* * *

“You came,” I say, turning to see Alice walking up, silhouetted against the headlights of her car.

“I can’t stay long,” she says quietly. “But I figured if you called me out here at nine thirty it must be somewhat important.”

I nod. “I think we need to talk.”

She sits down next to me, pulling her sweatshirt tight around her. “Okay.”

“I think you need to tell your mother,” I say, flat out, totally abrupt.

She tilts her head to the side. “My mother... You know how she is, X. She’ll either make a huge deal out of it or... She’ll just pretend it’s not happening.”

“She’s your mother,” I say quietly. “She needs to know, Alice. She’s going to have a grandchild. My entire family knows, now, and it’s not even really –“

She holds up a hand. “You can’t keep saying that. Either you’re going to act like it’s yours or...” The rest remains an unspoken threat.

“Okay. But still. I’ll help you, if you want, okay? We can work on it together. But she needs to know. You can’t make it through your entire pregnancy without telling your parents.”

Alice shakes her head. “My mother has been to hell and back, X,” she says softly. “Do you get that? My father hit her so hard he sent her to the hospital five or six times. He knocked out six of her teeth. On Christmas he threw her up against the wall and then forced her out of the house, into the snow, and locked her out for nine hours. She’s had black eyes, bruises, cuts, fat lips, torn out hair, broken bones, concussions... The last thing she needs...” She takes a shaky breath. “The last thing she needs is a pregnant teenage daughter.”

“That’s not right,” I say quietly.

She sighs, pulling her legs to her chest. “What the hell are you even talking about?”

“You’re not just another bad thing that happened to your mother,” I say, picking a blade of grass and twirling it between my fingers. “You’re not just some injury your father gave to her, you’re...”

She shakes her head. “You think they wanted a kid?” She laughs, staring off into the darkness. “They were engaged. She was a virgin, grew up in a devout Catholic home, wouldn’t even think about sex till she was married.” Alice stares at me, her eyes shining. “I was the worst thing that ever happened to her. Thanks to me, she had to stay with the guy. The guy who drugged and raped her at some party. The guy who later hit her and broke her bones and knocked out her teeth and ground her into the floor with his boots.”

“You never told me that,” I say softly.

“There are a lot of things,” she tells me, her voice shaky, her tears shining in the light still coming from her car, “that I never told you.”

I put my arm around her and pull her close to me, and she cries into my shoulder. And all the comforting words in the world won’t be enough, tonight.

[Author's note: Um, start of today I was around 23K words, roughly 8000 words behind. Currently I'm at about 30K. There is hope for this NaNo novel, folks. Even if it means staying up till 3 AM.]

November 19th: Nothing Gold

2005-11-19T16:45:00.000-08:00

The Knoll at twilight just might be the most peaceful place in the world. Just the grass and the purple sky and the end of the sun... I hug my legs to my chest and rest my head on my knees. This is how things ought to be, I decide. No fatherhood, no marriages, no delinquent nephews, no problems I can’t fix. Just me and something so much bigger than me it’s almost painful to think about.

Next to me, Ty shifts. “This is good, Xavier. This is real good.”

I nod. “I’ll miss this place, someday....”

“Are you guys going to stay here?” he asks. “When you get married?”

I shrug. “Shhh.”

It’s so much better, when you don’t bring your problems. When you can just sit back and sigh and watch the clouds drift through the swirls of grey and purple and pink and blue and every other color, everything no man could ever paint... You get so used to being a cynic, to scoffing and refuting and hating, and then you get here and see this and you think maybe the world isn’t so bad after all... That you just have to accept that it will never look as beautiful in black and white.

Sometimes you get so caught up in everyone else that you forget about yourself. You want to help her with this, or him with that, or just do that one last thing... You don’t let yourself breathe, don’t let yourself learn. You don’t care if you get enough sleep or eat three square meals or have a good day. You define yourself by how you are with other people. And then you get to see something like this, something that is beautiful on its own, that you were never a part of, and you wonder if maybe there is more to you than how you deal with everybody else.

I think it’s the most humbling thing, to understand that the world can go on without you. And I only get that, for a few seconds, sitting here watching the end of the sunset, sitting here watching darkness fall. In ten minutes, I’ll need to be needed again. But for now, it can just be me. For now, I’m just a speck of something beautiful and wonderful, something that could be just as beautiful and wonderful... Without my help.

* * *

My mother is sitting on the couch when I walk in the door. She’s by far the last person I would have expected to see.

“Xavier,” she says softly, putting her magazine down. She pats the seat next to her. “Come here, mí amor.”

I sit down carefully.

Mamá puts her arm around my shoulder. “Mari told me that you must for to tell me something. That something you must tell me is there.”

“Mamá, English. You’ve been here for years, you can...”

She puts a finger to her lips. “Do not try to distract me, Xavier. What is this thing? Do your studies not go well?”

“They’re fine, Mamá,” I sigh.

Her eyes are pained. “Xavier, do not for to hide...”

I stare at her for a long moment.

“I got a girl pregnant,” I murmur.

Her eyebrows lower. “I cannot for to hear you, mí amor.”

“Alice. I... Alice and I are going to have a baby,” I repeat, louder.

She gasps. “No, Xavier... Your school... You cannot for to have...” She cradles her head in her hands. “But you are so young, so... I gave you everything I had to you could have a chance...”

“Mamá,” I say quietly, putting my hand on her back. “Mamá, we can do this, we can figure it out... I can still go to school, later, but...”

“You have a family now,” she says quietly. “You go for to marry this girl and to care for your baby. And you hope he know better to do what... To make good of the opportunities...”

“Mamá, please... This... This isn’t the end!” I protest.

She shakes her head. “Seventeen, you do not to understand family. You do not to understand you must do everything for your family.” She looks up at me, her eyes shining, her face streaked with tears. “Xavier, that baby will look at you, and you... You will understand.”

I groan and close my eyes. “I’m not going to be the poor son of a poor immigrant, Mamá...” I say slowly. “I can still be somebody, I can still do...”

She sighs. “I wanted you for to have better... Your studies, Xavier... They have always been the most important. But now your Alice and your child and your family will be the most. You will not want to continue your studies. The most you want be to feed them and give the child the keys to everything you gave away.”

I lay down slowly and put my head in her lap. She strokes my hair. “You are my boy... You are the strong. You will to be okay.”

But I’m not sure anymore. Alice makes it sound so much easier than this.

* * *

“Hello?”

“I just told my mother,” I say quietly.

Ty whistles. “Wow. How did it go?”

I sigh, staring at the wall. “She told me in fragmented English that my life is fucked up and I squandered all the opportunities she gave me and now I’ll never be anything.”

“God. That blows.”

I nod. “It’s like... I get why Brady ate his gun, now. You want so badly to do the right thing and then everyone who supposedly loves you is telling you that your life is over.” I roll over on my bed and sigh again. “How am I supposed to be a father? I don’t even know what a father is supposed to do.”

“You okay?” he asks quietly. And I know what he means. Are you going to be Brady? You going to do something stupid? Are you trying to tell me something?

“I don’t know,” I say. To all of it.

Ty sighs. “I have to go, man. Dad thinks I’m talking to Garrett.” As if to prove his point, I hear a voice yelling in the background. “Doesn’t want any faggot phone sex in his house.” He laughs. We both know there’s nothing funny. “Pick me up tomorrow morning. We’ll talk.”

He hangs up the phone before I can say anything.

I replace the phone in its cradle and bury my face in my pillow. Downstairs, I can hear my mother crying. But I doubt she can hear me.

* * *

“This baby is ripping my life apart,” I tell Ty as he climbs in the car the next morning.

He collapses into his seat and slams the door shut, then closes his eyes.

“Ty?”

He shakes his head, then slowly, painfully opens his mouth. “Drive.”

His face is still a mess. But not so much a mess that I can’t tell.

“Dude, you’re totally crying...”

He opens his eyes and stares at me. “X,” he says sharply. “Just fucking drive.”

“Where? School?”

He shrugs, leaning his head against the headrest. “Anywhere.”

I look at him, step on the gas, and go. It takes four minutes and thirty-eight seconds to get home.

* * *

Ty’s been asleep on the couch since we got here. He stumbled inside and collapsed. When he wakes up, I’ll make him explain. For now, I can live with my guesses. I’m sure they can’t be too far from the truth.

Life is such a game, sometimes. You have no real control over what happens to you. You just roll the dice and go. You rolled an eleven? Not bad. You’ll do fine. A seven? You’ll survive, barely. A two? You might as well give up now.

It takes you years to figure out how to throw the dice so you’ll get good numbers, the kind of numbers you need to make it through. And then one day, you use your tricks and roll a twelve, and that’s when they tell you the rules changed – twelve is bad, one is good. Sucks for you. Fucking loser.

It’s not fair. When we were ten, our parents gave relieved laughs when we told them we didn’t want to have anything to do with girls. Now it’s suddenly some sort of cosmic sin. The kind of thing your father kicks you out of the house over. The kind of thing people get stabbed over.

Ty stirs, sighing in his sleep. He looks younger, sleeping. I think everyone does. Innocent and fragile and small. It scares me to think that soon there will be someone in my life who is innocent and fragile and small all the time. Who will need me more than anything. Who will expect me to be a father, a man, a role model. Someone who will expect me to know who I am and what I want and how to get it.

How do I become that person, in just over seven months? How do I learn to be a father? What is a father even supposed to do? And how can I think I’ll make a good father when I’ve never really been good at anything, before?

* * *

Ty yawns. “Dad kicked me out.”

I nod. “I know.”

He sits up slowly, stretching his arms above his head. “My mother’s not really going to leave him. She never thought he’d actually do it. Never thought she’d actually have to keep her promise.” He laughs bitterly. “People suck.”

“You can stay here,” I lie. He knows I don’t mean it. Knows that we don’t have the money to keep him here, that we’ll never have the money.

He shakes his head. He knows it too. “I think Garrett will convince his mother... I hope.”

“Yeah,” I say slowly. “Me too.”

“I don’t get why it means so much to people. Who I love, I mean.” He shakes his head, as if trying to wrap his mind around such a foreign prejudice. “It has nothing to do with them. Why should it matter?”

“You’re his son,” I say quietly. “He just wants you to have what he has.”

“And why can’t I have that? Because I’m gay? I can still have a family, I can still be –“

I hold up a hand. “When he was our age, that wasn’t true. All they knew about gay people was that they got AIDS and were sick and promiscuous and...” I shrug. “It’s outdated, but he’s your father, and he wants better than that for you.”

“So how the hell do I tell my father that he’s wrong? That I’m not like that?”

I shake my head. “How do I convince my mother that teenage fathers can grow up to be successful, happy men?”

He shrugs.

“We’re in the same boat, now,” I say softly.

Ty smiles weakly. “Okay.”

And for at least a minute, I think it might be.

November 17th: Feeling Way Too Damn Good

2005-11-17T16:02:00.000-08:00

Remember Amy? My ex?

Of course I remember Amy. How could you forget that bitch? You found her LOOKING IN YOUR WINDOWS.

I roll my eyes. I know. But I think she’s actually getting better, somewhat. With the whole clingy-ness thing. She called the other night.

Alice shoots me a look. Good for you.

She’s moving back.

She glares at me. That chick is OUT OF HER MIND. Does she not realize that everyone here hates her?

I never really understood that.

Alice rolls her eyes. Are you deaf? After you broke up with her... Have you really not heard this already?????

I throw my hands up and scribble, ~~I wanted as little to do~~ ~~Do I look like~~ Just TELL ME!!!!!

She found a new boyfriend, and they got serious, I guess. Anyway, she told him she was taking birth control, and she wasn’t.

Did she get pregnant? I shoot her a strange look.

Alice nods. She told him she was going to have a kid, and he said he’d marry her. She went out of town to visit an aunt like, two months into it and she miscarried.

And everyone is mad at her because she had an underdeveloped uterus????

Alice gives me a strange look. Don’t you get it? She didn’t tell him she miscarried. Both of them dropped out of school and they got married.

Didn’t he kind of notice that there wasn’t a kid?

Yeah, and they got divorced, but it was his senior year........ He’d already lost all his football glory and a couple of scholarships, and he would have to repeat the year anyway.

I stare at her. She really did that? Why didn’t she just TELL him?

She rolls her eyes impatiently. It’s AMY. She’s the clingiest person ever.

That’s so weird. I never knew.

I’m surprised you didn’t. I could’ve sworn I told you.

I shake my head. ... I bet he was on the list.

What list????

Long story. God. That sucks. That must be what Ty was talking about.... Jesus. How did I not know this?

She shrugs. Maybe it’s good that you didn’t know. ~~You probably would have~~ Never mind.

What? Just write it.

You probably would have gotten way too messed up with it. You know how you are. Mr. Helper.

I glare at her. Gee, thanks.

She smiles. No, that’s a good thing. You’re good that way. It works.

It works better for everybody else.

Alice laughs. You know you’re not fooling anybody pretending you don’t like it, don’t you?

I grin. Yeah. But I can try.

* * *

“It just occurred to me,” I say, sipping my coffee, “that I hate coffee.”

“You’ve been guzzling it like crazy this past week or so,” Ty remarks, cradling his own cup in his hands. “Stressed much?”

“I don’t know if you’ve heard, but one of my best friends’ boyfriends was stabbed, I’m going to be a father, my little brother who isn’t really my little brother raped a girl, and noone in town bothered to tell me that Amy trapped some poor dude into marrying her.”

Ty smiles sheepishly. “Totally, totally meant to tell you that.”

“You’re totally, totally retarded.” I set my cup down. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me? For real.”

He shrugs. “I was always under the impression that the less you heard about Amy, the better. She scared the crap out of you, X. You had to threaten a restraining order to get her to leave you alone.”

I sigh. “Yeah, but I wish you’d have updated me on the common knowledge.” I take a huge gulp of coffee. “I still can’t believe she would do that. I mean, that’s so Amy, but... It’s still surprising, you know?”

Ty gives me a sympathetic look and nods. “Look, don’t worry about her, okay? So she’s moving back. Doesn’t mean you have to talk to her, or run into her, or think about her. Just go about your life. I think you’ve got enough shit going on, without any Amy-drama.”

“Yeah, I have Alice-drama.” I groan, laying my head on the table. “Life blows, Tyler Graham. Life just fucking blows.”

“Have you told your mother yet?”

I moan. “Shut up.”

“You haven’t?” he asks, his voice disbelieving.

“She’s never home.” I pick my head up and shrug. “Mari knows. Manuel knows. You know. Alice knows. That’s it, I think. Oh, and I guess Cabana knows... Soon the whole town will know... Soon the whole world will know...” I groan and lay my head on my arms again.

“Your life sucks, dude. And that’s coming from the guy who’s father is threatening to kick him out and who’s boyfriend got stabbed.”

I roll my eyes. “Don’t remind me.”

“Want to go visit Garrett? He’s sick of seeing my ugly face. And you could use some random guy talk. Lots of beer and belching and tasteless jokes, and maybe some sports stats.”

I groan. “Just my luck. I thought I would finally get to talk about shopping and skin care.”

“Someone’s been watching Queer Eye,” he laughs.

“I dabble.”

He rolls his eyes and pushes open the door. “After you, madame.”

* * *

“Ty... And X! And I thought the return of the green gelatin would be the highlight of my day.”

I roll my eyes. “Sorry I ran out of here so quick yesterday. Just felt like you two needed some time.”

Garrett waves his hand and shrugs. “No big shit.” He props himself up on his elbows and flips off the television. “But Ty’s been updating me on your personal soap opera. There’s definitely a lot of big shit there.”

I sigh. “Yeah. Things suck, you know? But I’ll be okay.”

“His stalker ex is moving back to town,” Ty remarks. “You remember Amy?”

“Amy... Jensen?” His eyes widen. “Oh my god, do you remember what...” He shuts his mouth abruptly and raises his eyebrows. “Wow. Wouldn’t have pegged you as the... Amy type.”

I roll my eyes. “I’m not. Which is why I broke up with her. Which is why she was with this guy, and got hot and heavy, and... You know the rest.”

“That woman is crazy,” he says, whistling softly. “Jesus.”

I nod. “She stalked me for awhile, actually. Not stalked really... I don’t know.”

“Stalked,” Ty says from the corner. “You had it right the first time.”

Garrett raises his eyebrows.

“He broke up with her, and she got freaky. She’d always been crazy but... She was calling his house ten times a day, crying on his answering machine, leaving notes in his locker...” Ty shakes his head. “Then one day she followed him home and hid in his bushes or something. He caught her looking in his window at like, eleven o’clock.”

Garrett snorts. “Wow. And this psychotic chick is moving back here, you say?”

“Yeah,” I nod. “She’s evidently in Co-dependents Anonymous, because she did the clingy thing with her new boyfriend, too... She called me for step nine and told me she was moving back.”

He exchanges a glance with Ty. “Like we don’t have enough crazy, unpredictable people around here.”

I sigh. “She’s not that bad... Really. She’s nice. She just has no idea how to let go.”

“She stalked you, she caused some other guy to lose his entire life.... In my part of the world, we call that crazy.” He rolls his eyes. “I’d think you would believe that more than anyone else, after what Ty just told me.”

I shrug. “Yeah, maybe. But I loved her once, too. She’s really great, sometimes. Just... Too intense.”

“Women,” he remarks, rolling his eyes. “Crazy specimens.”

Ty laughs. “Dude, I caught you watching The Young and the Restless. You’re probably the craziest person I know.”

“Hey, there is a very intense love triangle going on right now!” Garrett says, grinning.

Ty rolls his eyes. “You are so weird, dude.”

“You love me,” Garrett replies, laughing. “You absolutely fucking love me.”

“Eh,” Ty shrugs. “Maybe.”

“You guys are too precious,” I say drily.

Ty laughs. “I know. I’m adorable.” He shrugs, glancing at Garrett. “And I guess he’s not so ugly, from certain angles...”

“Asswipe,” Garrett says, pegging him with an apple core. “I will break into a Christina Aguilera, if you make me.”

Ty groans and feigns heaving, but he’s laughing too hard to pull it off.

I can’t remember the last time I felt this okay.

November 15th: I think you've found you even missed yourself.

2005-11-15T20:17:00.000-08:00

“I... I can’t.”

Silence.

“Alice? Did you hear me?”

I hear her inhale sharply. “I heard you.”

“I thought I could count on you,” she says softly.

I sigh. “You can, Alice, just... Not for this. Not for something this big.” I stare at the wall. “Alice, I can’t be a father. I’m... I’m too young to be this old.” Finally, those words fit.

“X, how am I going to face people? How am I going to tell my mother? How is the school going to react when I start showing and word gets out that it’s my English teacher’s kid? Don’t you get it?” Her voice is shrill, pained. “X, you’re all I have left!”

“Alice... It’s not that simple.”

“If it were yours... You would stay,” she says quietly.

I groan. “Alice, it’s not mine. It’s Henry’s. I have never had sex with you. This is not my child. I know that it’s not my child. And I can’t give up my future and change the course of my life completely for a baby that isn’t mine!”

“Don’t do it for the baby, then!” she shrieks. “Do it for me!”

I wind the cord around my fingers. “It’s not that simple. Can I say that again? You can’t simplify it into that! This isn’t some little favor, this is fatherhood, this is the rest of my childhood and all through my twenties and most of my thirties just taking care of a kid that isn’t even mine.” I sigh. “That’s too much to give up, for me. I have to work, I have to earn money, I have to buy my mother a nice house, a good house where the plumbing doesn’t break where she can be happy... After everything she’s done for me.”

“Your mother would understand,” Alice whispers hoarsely. “She raised a child who wasn’t hers. Why? Because she loved the mother.”

“Alice, you’re not my daughter!” I exclaim. “This is completely different from what happened with my mother and Mari! Mari was going to be a single teenage mother –“

“And so am I!”

I stare at my hands.

She sighs. “X, I can’t do this... Not alone...”

I grip the phone. “You’re not going to be alone.”

“Are...” I can almost hear her smile. “Are you serious? You’re... You’re really going to do this? You’re really going to help me?”

“Yeah,” I say softly. “Of course I am.”

I gently return the phone to its cradle. I barely hear the click before the tears start.

* * *

I chew my oatmeal silently, eyeing Manuel over the top of the newspaper. He stabs at his burnt grilled cheese with a fork, his eyes focused on the floor.

“Are you going to eat that?”

He shrugs, not looking up. “Probably not. But even the smell of char is better than the smell of that shit.”

“Hey, oatmeal is packed with fiber and other essential dietary –“

The phone cuts me off. “I’ll get it,” Manny announces, leaping from the table and running to the phone. “Hello?”

He looks over at me. “You haven’t called here in forever. No, he’s here. I don’t know. Of course he remembers you.”

I raise my eyebrows. Manny holds up a hand and continues to talk. “You’re not pregnant too, are you?”

“Manuel!”

“Just asking,” he says, rolling his eyes. “You remember Alice? Creevy? He knocked her up. I don’t really know how – guy like that is kind of his own birth control.”

I grab the phone out of his hands. “Hello? Ignore the brat. Someone gave him the delusional impression that he’s hilarious.”

“Nah, I’ve missed the twerp.”

I blink several times in succession. “Wha... Is that you?”

“Yeah. It’s me.”

I inhale sharply. “Wow. It’s been a long time.”

“Tell me about it.”

I sit down heavily. “Are you just calling to catch up? Or is there something...”

She laughs. “Actually, I’ve been wanting to tell you something... For awhile now.”

Oh, shit.

* * *

“Ty?”

“Amazingly enough, yes, it is Ty. You can kind of expect that when you call my cell phone. Just to let you know.”

I roll my eyes. “Asswipe. Look, guess who just called?”

“Jesus? Jennifer Anniston? Oooh, no wait, I have this one... It’s those adorable giant pandas from the DC zoo.”

“Oh, aren’t you a funny one,” I say drily. “But no.”

“Then who was it?”

“Amy.”

He whistles. “Holy mother. Thought we’d heard the last of her.”

I nod. “Same here. But evidently, long-distance charges aren’t enough to keep her away.”

“So why the hell is your psychotic ex-girlfriend calling you, anyway?”

“Because she’s a stalker.”

He groans. “New information, please.”

“She wanted me to do something for her. Surprised yet?”

He sighs. “Oh yeah. Should I be sitting down?”

“Maybe. It actually is kind of offbeat.”

“Hit me.”

I crack my neck. “She’s on the ninth step.”

He coughs. “You must be kidding me.”

“Nope.”

“Amy? Holy shit.”

“She called to apologize. Evidently I’m on her list. She asked for your number, too. She’ll probably be calling you soon.” I laugh quietly. “I think she has a lot of people from around here on that list.”

“What’s she climbing for?” he asks.

“Co-dependency.”

Ty laughs to himself. “Color me surprised.”

“You want to know the crazy thing?”

“Tell me this crazy thing.”

“She says she’s moving back.”

He whistles. “Why would she want to move back here? Doesn’t she remember what things were like before?”

“I think she wants to prove us wrong,” I say quietly. “I think she wants to prove to herself that she can change our minds.”

* * *

I find Alice by her locker, her face pale, her eyes rimmed in red.

“You okay?” I ask, putting a hand on her shoulder.

She shakes it off. “How would you feel if you ate a small weasel, hair and all, doused in mustard and fake nacho cheese sauce?”

“I take it you didn’t really eat that,” I reply, my stomach turning.

She rolls her eyes. “I might as well have. I’ve been up since two. Heaving. You ever heard of morning sickness?”

I nod.

“Yeah, well, this little shit here prefers to make me sick in the middle of the night.” She yawns and throws her chemistry text into her locker. “Enjoyable as this kid is, I think it takes after its father.”

“Henry being a problem?”

She shrugs. “It’s kind of hard to be a problem when you don’t involve yourself in the situation. He hasn’t said more than ten words to me since I told him.” She slams her locker shut. “And I can’t exactly force him to pay attention. And besides, what would I tell him if he did want to be involved? ‘Sorry, you can’t, X is taking care of your kid, don’t worry about it’? I don’t think so.”

I put an arm around her. “X is going to take care of it, okay? You’ll be fine.”

She buries her head in my chest. “You are such a dick.”

“Win me over, why don’t you.”

“Let me finish,” she mumbles. “You’re such a dick, but I love the shit out of you, Xavier Gonzalez.”

I rub her back with one hand. “Who needs Henry, right?”

“Me. But I’m going to cut the pitiful act and pretend I don’t care that my baby’s father wants nothing to do with him,” she moans.

I kiss the top of her head. “He’s not the baby’s father.”

She pulls away. “What the hell are you talking about? This kid is definitely his. I wasn’t having sex with –“

I press a finger to her lips. “Let me finish. He’s not the baby’s father. Father has a lot more to do with love than sperm.”

“Do you love me, Xavier?” she asks, peering up with me between matted blonde strands.

I smile. “Like, duh.”

She rolls her eyes and smiles at me, tucking her arm around my back. “You are such a dick.”

I laugh. “But you love me.”

She shrugs. “Like, duh.”

November 13th: And if the rest of my life is gonna be like this...

2005-11-13T16:47:00.000-08:00

“Everything is messed up.”

Mari peels off her raincoat and shakes droplets from her umbrella. “Hello to you, too.”

“I’m serious,” I say quietly.

She comes over and sits next to me on the couch. “What’s up, kid? You look beat.”

“I think I fucked up everything.” I stare at my hands. “I don’t know what the hell to do with myself.”

She sighs. “What’s up?”

“I know what you’ll say. You’ll be disappointed in me, and try to make me feel worse. Never mind.”

Mari puts a hand on my shoulder. “X, I love you, okay? Sometimes there are no easy answers.” She leans forward and looks me in the eye. “I know that as well as anyone,” she says gently.

I stare at her. “Alice is pregnant,” I say softly.

She gasps. “X... It’s not yours, is it?” Something pained flashes behind her eyes. She leans back and pulls me to her chest, wrapping both arms around me.

I want to say no. I want to tell her everything – how Alice wants me to marry her, how I’d have to give up everything I’d worked for to raise a baby that isn’t mine, how I don’t know what I want because I don’t know what would make me happy, how am I supposed to know what makes me happy when I don’t even know who I am?

But I just nod my head, slowly.

“Xavier,” she whispers. “Xavier, didn’t you learn anything? Didn’t you see what Manuel... Even with that, did you not think you could wait?”

My eyes plead with her. “It wasn’t like that! Her boyfriend was being a jerk, she just wanted someone to hold her, and then suddenly everything got all fucked up...”

“I really thought you would be the one... The one who did everything right...”

I shake my head. “Mari, look, you’re really not helping. I wasn’t looking for a guilt trip. Don’t you think I realize how bad this is?” I demand of her. “Don’t you think I realize that I screwed up everything?”

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, her eyes softening. “I just... I just want your life to be better than mine. I just want you to be happy.”

I sigh. “I could be happy. I could be. Alice wants to get married, raise the kid... If that works out, I would be happy.”

“You need a job,” she says quietly. “X, even Mamá and I working, four jobs between us, we still can hardly pay to keep this family.... How are you going to do? How are you going to take care of your wife and baby?”

I shake my head. “I can’t think about this right now, okay?”

“I’m sorry,” she says softly.

“Just stop.” I rise and sprint out of the room. But I know she’s right.

What the hell have I done?

* * *

“Alice is pregnant.”

Ty slams the passenger door and whistles. “She and Cabana have been moving along, have they?”

I step on the gas. “It’s mine.”

“Wow,” he says softly. “Wow.”

We drive in silence for a moment.

“When did she find out?” he asks.

I shrug. “I don’t even know... I don’t know anything. She just told me yesterday.”

“You didn’t even tell me... Why didn’t you tell me that the two of you had sex?”

“Why didn’t you tell me that you were gay?” I quip.

He sighs. “Point taken.”

We’re silent again.

“What are you going to do? Marry her?”

I sigh. “That’s what she wants.”

“Is that what you want?”

I stare at him out of the corner of my eye. “What I want is for all this bullshit to go away. What I don’t want is to be a father. What I don’t want is to miss out on going to college because I’m tied down to a kid.” I step on the gas. “You’re lucky. You don’t have to worry about this shit.”

He shakes his head and laughs to himself. “Yeah. That’s what I’d call this. Lucky. You do know my boyfriend got stabbed for holding hands with me, right?”

“Sorry,” I say gently.

Ty doesn’t reply.

The rest of the ride passes in silence. When we stop in front the school, Ty yanks open the door.

“Have a great fucking day,” he says. He grabs his pack and slams the door shut so hard the car shakes.

I close my eyes and wish for things to make sense. But I know it will be a long time before anyone grants that wish.

* * *

Alice is waiting for me by my locker. I eye her wearily. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

I dial my combination as she watches me expectantly. “Aren’t you even going to ask me how I feel?”

I stare at her. “Alice, look, I love you and all, but now is not a good time.” I tiredly shove some books into my locker.

She sighs. “X, stop being so selfish, okay? I’m pregnant. I need you to support me.”

“You know what?” I smile at her and slam my locker. “This isn’t my kid! It has nothing to do with me!” I turn and walk away.

“You said you’d marry me,” she reminds me, running to catch up.

I glare at her. “And you said that you’d only been having sex with Henry for like, a week and a half, but we all know that’s not true!”

“I didn’t want you to worry about me,” she says softly.

“This has nothing to do with that, and you know it.” I stop in the middle of the hallway and turn to face her. “You just felt guilty that you’d been having sex and hadn’t told me –“

“No!” she exclaims. “That’s why I didn’t tell you. That’s why I didn’t tell you about Henry at all, at first. I knew you’d be... The way you were! Difficult!”

I shake my head. “Alice, you want me to raise a child that isn’t even mine. You think I’m difficult? Do you have any idea how fucking difficult that’s going to be? Do you have any idea what you’re asking me to do?”

“I can’t do this alone,” she whispers.

“Maybe you should’ve thought of that before.” I turn around and walk away. This time she doesn’t try to catch up.

* * *

Ty is waiting for me outside of school, slouched against the wall. “I’m sorry,” he says when he sees me.

I shrug. “Whatever. I know how it is.”

“Yeah.” He slings his pack over his shoulder and follows me into the parking lot. “Garrett’s coming home next week.” He forces a smile. “I don’t know if my father will ever let me out of the house to see him but... Just knowing he’s okay. That’ll be good.”

I laugh to myself as I look over at him. “You really do like this guy, don’t you?”

“It’s nice,” he says, shrugging. “It feels good to care about someone else... More than you care about yourself.”

I stare at him. And suddenly, it makes a lot more sense. “It does,” I say softly. “It really does.”

Why else would I have stuck with her this long?

November 12th: Overwhelmingly Stressful

2005-11-12T10:47:00.000-08:00

Mari is asleep on the couch, curled up in a shivering ball. I pull a blanket over her and tuck it around her shoulders.

Manuel is sitting on the stairs, staring at the ceiling. I sit down next to him and lean back.

He looks over at me. “How’s Garrett?”

I shrug. “Don’t know. They’ll only tell his family, and even if his mother is calling Ty... His dad won’t give him messages.”

“Oh.” He crosses his arms and sighs.

“Why do you think people lie?” I ask him finally.

He sits up slowly and shrugs. “Cos they feel like they have to. Or it seems easier.”

“I guess.” I sigh, cracking my knuckles. “So it’s not so much their fault for lying, always. Sometimes it’s our fault... For making them feel like we wouldn’t listen.”

His eyebrows lower. “Well sometimes, I guess.” He bites his lip. “But if this is about that Alice girl you like, that’s not why.”

I raise my eyebrows. “Really. Why, then?”

“I guess sometimes you lie because you’re not sure what the truth is,” he says with a shrug. “And it’s easier to just say something... Than admit that you don’t know what to say.”

I stare at him.

“I think so, at least,” he says looking nervous.

“No, that’s good.” I sit up and sigh. “That’s real good, Manny. Real good.”

* * *

“Your report card came in the mail,” Mari says the next morning at breakfast.

I look up from my cereal. “Um, is it okay? I haven’t really been paying attention.”

“Yeah,” she remarks drily. “We all know that.”

My stomach sinks. “It was bad?”

“B’s and C’s,” she says with a shrug. “Not bad. Not bad at all. But you need a scholarship, Xavier. B’s and C’s? Noone in their right mind is going to give you a scholarship!” She scrubs harder at the frying pan. “You need to stop hanging around with that girl. She’s distracting you.”

“You’re not my mother,” I remind her, rolling my eyes and spooning up some Wheat Chex.

“No, I’m not. Your mother is off working her ass off so that she can pay for you to eat and sleep soundly until you can get that scholarship. Because she loves you, and she wants the best for you.” She throws the sponge down. “She is not earning this money for you to sit around on your ass eating and sleeping and spending your homework time solving the numerous problems of Alice Creevy. Alice can take care of herself. You need to concentrate on your studies, Xavier. You need to go to a good college and marry a nice girl and maybe someday you can give your old mother a place to live outside of this creaky townhouse, because she has certainly done more than enough for you.”

I roll my eyes. “Fine. I’ll try harder. Happy?”

“This isn’t a joke, Xavier.” She turns on the sink. “This is your future.”

“What about my present?” I ask, throwing my dishes on the counter.

She glares at me. “You have better ways to spend your present than being a doormat for Alice Creevy.”

I shrug on my jacket, grab my pack, and walk out the door, making sure to slam it behind me.

I know she’s right.

* * *

Meet me at the GK after school???? Please. Sorry about yesterday. I’m an asshole when I’m drunk.

I tear the note off the side of my locker and rip it into pieces. Down the hall, Alice shoots me a smile. I stare at her, snort and turn back to my books.

“Can I have a ride?” I look to my right. Ty smiles at me, out of nowhere. “They’re moving him to a regular room. His mother’s actually coming, she said.” His smile broadens. “They say at this rate, he maybe has to stay a week more. And then he’ll be okay.”

I grin at him. “That’s great, dude!”

“Yeah. So – ride?”

I stare at the shreds of note in my hands. “Yeah,” I say, sprinkling them on the ground. “Sure.”

* * *

Upon coming in the north doors at Traigville South, we’re accosted by a chubby, red-haired woman. She wraps her arms around Ty and gives him a hug, then pulls away. “He just got out of his last surgery a couple hours ago. He should be awake now. Do you want to go see him?”

We nod and follow her through a maze of elevators and dimly lit hallways. Finally she stops at a door.

Inside it’s quiet for a minute. Garrett is staring at the ceiling, his eyes vacant.

“Johnson?” Ty asks tentatively.

Garrett turns his head. His face breaks into a grin. “Nice lip, man! How man stitches was that one?”

“Thirteen,” Ty replies, walking over to his bedside. He grabs Garrett’s hand. “Crap, dude, you scared the living daylights out of everybody.”

I lean against the doorway and smile to myself.

“Xavier Gonzalez, I trust that you have been taking good care of my distraught boy here?”

I roll my eyes. “Because Ty is just so unbearably needy. I swear, you need to get that kid some counseling.”

They both laugh, their fingers intertwined. “Missed you, dude,” Ty whispers.

“I’ll give you guys some time alone,” I say, grinning.

Ty looks over at me. “You want to go home? I can catch a cab home. And Alice actually came up to me today to ask if I knew if you were meeting her at the Knoll. At three thirty. Which is...” He glances at his watch. “Which was fifteen minutes ago. Giddy up, pardner.”

I raise my eyebrows. “You sure?”

“Unless you want to break the heart of the girl you are madly in love with, I would go,” he says gently. “Whatever this big news of hers is, she’s counting on you, dude. Don’t let her down.”

“Okay. Bye, man. Take care of yourself. You too, Garrett – someone needs to be around to figure out my brother.”

Ty waves as I race out of the room. And somehow even the looming possibilities of Alice’s news can’t make me stop smiling.

* * *

She’s asleep in the grass, curled up in the sun, her hair covering her face. I walk over to her and gently rub her arm.

She stares up at me through the sheet of shiny blonde. “Didn’t think you were coming,” she says groggily.

“Had to drive Ty to the hospital.” She sits up slowly, and I collapse next to her. “But what’s up with you?” I ask gently.

Alice stares at me, her green eyes glassy. “I was a bitch to you yesterday.”

“Yeah.” I nod. “You were.”

“So I feel bad asking you for help after everything I said,” she says, shrugging, hugging her knees to her chest.

I sigh. “Alice, I’ve told you a million times that I would do anything for you. What’s up?”

“Promise you won’t hate me.”

I stare at her. “Is it really that bad?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t even know anymore.”

“Just tell me,” I say softly, putting a hand on her arm.

She pushes it off and stares at me with swollen eyes. “I’m pregnant.”

“Shit,” I say softly. “Shit, Alice. Holy...”

She shakes her head. “I knew you wouldn’t... I knew you’d get upset... I can’t even ask you...”

“Ask me what?” I whisper. “I’m just surprised... What can I do? What the hell does this have to do with me?”

She closes her eyes and leans on my shoulder. “I want you...” She takes a shaky breath. “I want you to pretend that it’s yours.”

It’s like I can’t breathe. Like someone snatched my lungs away. And suddenly, I understand Brady.

November 11th: Emotions Run High

2005-11-11T22:55:00.000-08:00

Manuel is sitting on the couch when I get home at eleven, staring into the dark. I reach over and switch on the lamp.

He looks up at me. “Where were you?”

“Sorry,” I say, shrugging off my coat. “Hospital.”

His eyes widen. “You’re okay?”

I nod. “Yeah. Couple of friends got... Into a fight. Not with each other.” I sigh. “Messy business.”

“Alice?”

“Nah.” I shake my head. “Tyler and Garrett – the guy who you talked to, awhile ago?”

His eyebrows lower. “Are they okay?”

“Ty’s just got a busted lip and one hell of a black eye. He’ll be fine.”

Manny’s eyes connect with mine. “What about Garrett?”

I sigh. “He’s stable, for now. He lost a lot of blood.”

He stares at me in horror. “Blood? What happened?”

“Some guys stabbed him.”

“Shit,” Manuel exclaims.

“Yeah,” I say softly. “That’s what I thought, too.”

* * *

“Get in the car, asshole.”

Ty stares at me, his eyes bloodshot and sagging. “I’m not going today...”

“Yes you are. Get in the car.”

He sighs and climbs in. “I don’t have any of my stuff.”

“I’ll personally kick the ass of anyone who rips on you about it.” I put the car in gear and speed down the street.

“Geez,” Ty says tiredly. “Angry much?”

I shrug.

“You’re not pissed at me, are you?” He buckles his seatbelt. “I was going to tell you, man. I totally was.”

I roll my eyes and step on the gas. 70 miles per hour. “I’m pissed at everyone, right now. So yeah, I’m pissed at you. But it’s not your fault.”

“Slow down, dude,” he says gently.

I glare at him, but let up a little.

“My dad wants me out,” he says slowly. “But my mother keeps saying if he kicks me out, she’ll leave him.”

I shoot him a glance out of the corner of my eye.

Ty stares out the window silently.

“Life’s a bitch,” I say gently.

He nods. “Ain’t it the truth.”

* * *

Alice isn’t in English class. Henry looks incredibly distracted. His hair is greasy and limp and his clothes look wrinkled, like he didn’t bother to iron his pants. He manages to fumble through the lesson, but he’s not fooling anyone. Everyone is whispering about him in the halls.

I stop in after last period. He’s sitting at his desk, his head in his hands, hair wound around his fists.

“What the hell is going on?” I say in a low voice.

He looks up. “I’m surprised she didn’t tell you already.”

“Yeah. So am I. Where is she?”

Henry shrugs. “I have no idea, okay? I haven’t seen her since class yesterday. She called me last night, but that’s the last I heard from her.”

“What’s the news?”

He looks up at me, perplexed. “Thought she didn’t tell you.”

“She just said she had news, and that it was somewhat about you, but moreso about me.”

“I don’t see what it has to do with you,” he murmurs, genuinely surprised.

I roll my eyes. “Look, I don’t really care what you think. I just want to know what’s going on.”

“Go ask Alice,” he quips, shrugging and smirking. But his eyes are dead.

* * *

“You need a ride to the hospital?” I ask Ty softly.

He shakes his head. “They won’t let me see him. I’m not family.”

“Has his family shown up? What did they say?”

Ty shrugs and fiddles with the radio dial. “His mother hasn’t left the house since that thing happened, with the Brothers... And his little brother can’t drive.”

“His father?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t know. I just... Why the hell would someone do this to him?”

“I don’t know,” I murmur. “I really don’t know.”

Ty closes his eyes. “Everything is fucked up.”

“Yeah,” I whisper. “It is.”

* * *

The Knoll is empty. Again. When I see that she’s not there I think of going home... But I don’t really want to be there, either. It seems like everyone I know is facing some unbearable life trauma. And I can’t do anything, for any of them.

I bring my US History text to the grass with me and cradle it in my lap. The least I can do is study while I waste time on some abandoned field. But the words don’t make sense anymore. All the wars and rivalries and deceit. I suddenly don’t care simply that they happened -- I want to know why.

There has to be an explanation. Why someone would rather kill himself than be a father. Why a mother would watch another woman raise her son and never tell him the truth. Why a thirteen year old kid with everything he ever wanted would join a gang. Why people would attack others just for holding hands in a public place. Why a father would threaten to kick his only son out of the family home for wanting to kiss boys instead of girls. Why a girl would lie to her best friend, or date her teacher, or keep secrets from them both.

“Nothing makes sense,” I say, to noone, and to everyone, and mostly to myself.

The bitter wind laughs at me as it whistles through the overgrown blades.

* * *

“Alice?” I bang on her door with my fist. “Alice, open up.”

Her mother shakes her head at me from down the hall. “She doesn’t want to see you,” she says disapprovingly, her hand over the receiver, still listening attentively to some business call. It seems like Mrs. Creevy always has a business call.

“Alice, come on,” I plead. “Look, we don’t have to talk about you, okay? Whatever you have to tell me... It can wait, alright? I have something to tell you.”

I hear movement, and then the door creaks slowly open. Alice stares at me, red-eyed. She reeks of cigarettes and stale whiskey. “In.”

I shut the door quietly behind me. “Okay. I’m not going to ask.” I take a deep breath and clear my throat. “Tyler Graham and a friend of his were attacked last night outside the mall.”

“Is Ty okay?” Alice doesn’t know him too well, but well enough to be concerned.

I shrug. “Busted his lip, and he’s got one hell of a black eye. Mostly he’s just shaken up.”

“And this upsets you,” she says drily.

I sigh. “Thanks for the sympathy. Look, this is my best friend, besides you. And the guy he was with, they weren’t exactly... Just friends.”

She eyes me with interest. “Do tell.”

“Evidently they’ve been dating for what, five months? I had no clue. None.”

Alice rolls her eyes. “I know where you’re going with this.”

I raise my eyebrows.

“Why do friends keep secrets, don’t they know that you would support them no matter what.” She pulls an unmarked bottle from under her bed and takes a swig, then wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. “You’re so predictable, X. Fuckin’ predictable.”

“And you’re fucking drunk, and you never drink, so what the hell is going on with you?” I reach over and grab her hand. Her fingers are bony. “You’ve got Henry all strung out. He could hardly concentrate today. What the hell aren’t you telling me?”

She shakes her head and pulls her hand away. “None of your fucking business.”

“Yesterday you said that...”

“Forget what I said yesterday.” She drains the bottle of what’s left and throws it to the ground. “Yesterday I was being retarded. Right now I’m thinking clearly. And this has nothing to do with you. Go away.”

I stare at her. “Alice, anything that has to do with you has to do with me.”

She laughs. “Yeah, cos we are just such great buddies, X! Let’s hold hands and sing songs and eat ice cream or something.” She stands up and sways, then sits back down. “Yeah, maybe we used to be friends, like, two billion years ago. Now? You hang around me because you want to get in my pants, and I hang around you because I feel sorry for you.”

I stare at her.

“Yeah, like you didn’t fuckin’ know that.” She reaches into her pocket and pulls out her lighter. “Asshole. You want to know what’s wrong with me? I’m what’s wrong with me.” She toys with it, staring at the flame. “I am fuckin’ screwed up, man.” She chuckles. “Just fuckin’ fucked.”

“Alice...” I say gently.

“You wanna be a hero, Xavier? You wanna get your name in the paper?” She pockets the lighter and laughs. “You think I’m somebody needs to be all saved and shit? Fuckin’ retard.”

I shake my head.

“You’re not helpin’ anybody, you fuckin’ jackass. You just have to get your head stuck in everybody’s fuckin’ asshole, know everybody’s fuckin’ business.” She rolls her eyes. “But you just keep fuckin’ everybody up, more and more, and someday we’re all gonna hate you for it.”

I stand up. “Why the hell are you doing this to me?!”

“Shut the fuck up,” she challenges me, shaking her head.

“Alice, all I’ve ever tried to do was help you, and support you, and treat you right, and all you’ve ever done to me is manipulate and lie to me and walk all over me! You want to talk about fucking screwed up? That is fucking screwed up. Maybe I get over involved, god forbid, god forbid I care about other people, god forbid I actually love other people.” I storm toward the door. “You don’t even know what that means, because all you ever think about is how you can make life better for you. You spend all your time watching out for Alice and don’t bother watching out for anybody else!”

“Who the hell else is going to watch out for me?” she screams.

I slam the door in her face.

Her mother gives me an amused look, still leaning against the wall. “Told you she didn’t want to see you.”

I flip her the bird as I race down the stairs.

November 10th: Play the Fool

2005-11-10T12:01:00.000-08:00

“You’re right.”

It’s the last thing I would have expected. But it’s just what I wanted to hear.

“I’m using you. I’m using you, big time, because I... I want you to still be there, if this doesn’t work out.”

Her voice is so earnest, so vulnerable.

“X, I fuck everything up... Everything... And you’re the only one who doesn’t seem to care.”

I want to say something. But I don’t know what to say. My mind is too jumbled to find the words I want.

“I fucked up big, this time.”

I’m silent.

“I think I’m so stupid, not to realize... That what we have, it’s so much more important than Henry.”

I wind the cord around my finger.

“And I still... I hope you still...” She pauses. “You know. Just don’t give up on me, okay?”

I nod. “Yeah,” I whisper. “Okay.”

I gently replace the phone in its cradle. And then I sigh.

* * *

“Am I really that stupid?”

Ty shrugs, throwing a sock at the ceiling, resting his head on my pillow. “You’re not stupid. You’re just... Easily persuaded.”

“I’m a sucker,” I say drily.

“Well yeah, that’s part of it.” He leans over the side of the bed to retrieve his balled-up footwear. “But only for Alice. That’s something, right?”

I groan. “No. She’s the only one who matters. She gets me more angry with her than anything and then she somehow gets me to feel bad about it. Like it’s my fault that she manipulates me and uses me and has me wrapped around her little finger like –“

“She’s crazy about you,” he interrupts.

I stare at him. “What?”

Ty sits up, laughing. “That girl is crazy in love with you. You did realize that, didn’t you?”

“She’s sleeping with Henry,” I remind him.

He shrugs. “So?”

“So if she were madly in love with me, wouldn’t I be the one in her bed?”

He rolls his eyes and falls back, chuckling to himself.

I pick up a shoe off the ground and chuck it at his stomach. “What?”

“When are you going to realize,” he asks the ceiling, “that who you sleep with has pretty much nothing to do with who you love?”

* * *
I yank a piece of paper from my English binder and scribble a note on it. You okay?

Alice stares at me with bloodshot eyes. We need to talk.

I look up at the front of the room, where Henry sits at his desk, grading papers. Are you okay? Did something happen? I toss the note on her desk before I give in to the urge to write Did he hurt you????.

Alice shakes her head. Later. I can’t do this right now.

Is it about Henry?

She sighs. Kind of. Once I’ve read it, she grabs the paper back. But it’s more about you.

That’s when I stop breathing.

* * *

Ty leans back in his chair, tipping the front legs off the ground. “Wow. What do you think it is?”

“I don’t know,” I sigh, sipping my coffee. “Ugh. I thought I said sugar.” I grab a powder blue packet from the ceramic container at the end of the table and empty its contents into my cup.

Ty folds his hands. “How did she look?”

“Tired,” I reply, stirring my coffee with a spoon. “Really tired. The kind of tired people our age shouldn’t be.”

“Maybe she’s breaking up with him,” he suggests.

I shake my head. “It wasn’t that kind of tired. Besides, she said it was mostly about me.” I cradle my cup in my hands. “It doesn’t make any sense. What about her has something to do with both of us?”

“You’ve got me,” he says, shrugging. He leans forward, his chair legs banging against the ground. “Look, dude... You remember Garrett, right?”

I nod. “Sure. Good guy. I think he’s kind of... I don’t know, though. Something about him seems off. Why?”

But Ty is staring at me oddly. “Really? You don’t like him?”

“Well, like I said, he’s a good guy. Really good,” I add. “But I don’t know. Why? Is he okay?” I raise my eyebrows.

“Yeah, he’s fine. Never mind.”

I lean forward. “No, really. What is it?”

“Nothing.” He shrugs, laughing lightly. “Really, dude. Forget I asked.”

“You sure he’s alright?”

Ty nods. “Positive.”

“Okay. Whatever.” I take a swig of coffee. “Did you catch the game last night?”

* * *

“What... Why are you here?”

Mari stares up at me, then looks out at the sky. It always seems bluer, from the Knoll. Spread out forever against the green grass, stretching on for miles. “This was my place, a long time ago,” she says after a moment. “I haven’t come back since...”

“I guess.” I sit down next to her. “So, you’re a girl. Explain your kind to me. Slowly. Speak into the tape recorder.”

She swats my shoulder. “Something up with Alice?”

“She has news.” I lie back. “When a girl suddenly looks tired and says she has news, you know, major emphasis on the word, what does that mean?”

“It depends,” Mari says, shrugging.

“What if when she says it, she looks really tired, and her eyes are bloodshot, and she won’t talk about it until you’re in private?”

She smiles. “I think you should just wait. She’ll tell you when she’s ready.”

“But what if she’s never ready?”

Mari rolls her eyes. “That girl loves, you, Xavier. She’ll tell you soon enough.”

* * *

Mari has to go back to work, but I stay at the Knoll for an hour or two, just staring at the sky.

I don’t know why I do the things I do. Sometimes I’m just so simple that I want to kick myself. I let Alice walk all over me. I think I like how Alice walks all over me. I’m just afraid that if I didn’t let her, she would walk away. And as stupid as it sounds, that would just kill me.

It’s like, ever since grade school, there she’s been. Always pushing me around, always taking advantage, but always there. And it’s like she knows everyone, and everyone that I know I only know because of her. Since I was seven years old, I’ve always been “X, Alice Creevy’s friend”. I think without her, I would lose my identity. Not to mention my best friend.

But is that really a good reason to let her make me miserable?

And then there’s the matter of this “news”. If the world is the way I wish it is, the news would be that she’s breaking up with Henry to go out with me. But I know it’s not. I know that’s dreaming, wishful thinking. Alice doesn’t like me. She certainly doesn’t love me. Not that way, anyway. She kissed me so I’d stick around. I know that. Everyone knows that.

So the news is probably something bad. For me, at least. Something terrible, even. Something that will make me want to crawl inside myself and disappear. And do I really need that in my life, right now? Any more than it already is? But I would never be able to live with myself, if I left her to deal with some horrible news alone.

I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to stick around and be her doormat for the rest of the year. But I don’t want to lose her. I just want her to treat me better. Treat me like a human being. I just want her to quit manipulating me. I just want her to tell me the truth.

* * *

There are six messages on the answering machine when I get home. One is the dentist, reminding us of Manuel’s appointment tomorrow. The other five are Ty.

Beep.

“Thought you’d be home by now, man. Um, call me? If you can?”

Beep.

“Um, Ty again. You’re okay, right? Call me...”

Beep.

“Uh, I hate to keep bothering you... I just don’t know who else to call, really. You need a cell phone, dude... Ring me back.”

Beep.

“Look, I really don’t want to tell this to your answering machine. Please just call me? It’s seven o’clock, man. Where the hell are you?”

Beep

“Seven thirty. That’s cool, I guess. Um, look, if you could... Can you come to the hospital? Traigville South... The ICU lobby? Um, yeah. Whenever you get this.”

I grab my coat from the kitchen table and bolt out the door.

* * *

“Holy shit, Ty.”

He looks up at me from the lavender chair and tries to smile. His lip is busted and one of his eyes is swollen shut. “You came.”

“You gave me a fucking heart attack, man.” I sit down next to him. “What happened?”

He shrugs. “Later, okay?”

“Okay,” I agree, reluctantly. “But... Why the ICU? You just needed stitches, right?”

He manages a tiny laugh. “Yeah, they took care of that in the ER... I wasn’t the only one.”

“Did you get in an accident?” I stare at him, horrified. “Ty, what happened? You’re scaring the shit out of me.”

He exhales slowly through his nose and laughs softly. “Wasn’t any accident, man.”

“Then what happened?”

Ty shakes his head. “Some guys... Outside the mall. I guess they saw us... We weren’t really being...” He flinches. “Discreet.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

A woman in scrubs walks over to us and smiles. “You’re here for Garrett Johnson, I suppose?”

I inhale sharply. Ty nods.

“What’s your relation to the victim?” she asks gently.

Ty looks at me for a second out of his good eye, then turns his gaze back to the woman.

“I’m his boyfriend.”

Oh.

Suddenly I get it.

Shit.

November 9th: I Would Do Anything For Love

2005-11-09T19:33:00.000-08:00

Garrett sits silently next to me on our couch, staring into space. Mari is curled up in the corner, her head cradled in her hands. Finally I turn to stare at Garrett. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you love him,” he says softly.

I sigh and stare ahead again. Manuel comes thumping down the stairs. “X, have you –“ He stops abruptly when he sees Garrett. “Hi.”

“You skip school yesterday, Manny?” I say quietly.

He pales. “Um...”

“Yes or no question. Did you or didn’t you skip school yesterday?” My voice is that threatening kind of low, the kind that’s worse than yelling.

He nods slowly.

“Manuel...” Mari whispers, her voice pained.

Manny sinks to the ground. “How did you know?” he asks Garrett.

Garrett stares at him. “I know everything about that gang of yours, Manuel. I know where they sleep, what they eat for breakfast, what their real names are. I know what they love, I know their secrets, I know which windows in their apartment complexes belong to their bedrooms.” He looks away. “Everything.”

Manuel takes a deep breath. “It wasn’t a big thing.”

“Are you listening to yourself?” I explode. “Are you? You... What you did... That means everything to someone. That is going to be some poor girl’s life for years and years and years.”

“It wasn’t me!” he protests.

I glare at him. “They wouldn’t let you out for not having done anything. You did, didn’t you? You... You...” The word refuses to pass through my lips. “You did!”

Manuel pulls his knees to his chest. “Xavier, please... Xavier... I had to!”

“You didn’t!”

He looks at me, his eyes pleading and wild. “Yes I did! They found out I wanted out! They said they’d... They said...”

“What?” I spit.

He stares at his hands, then looks over at Mari.

And then I understand.

“She’s my... She’s my mother,” he whispers finally.

I stare at my sister. Her eyes are focused on Manuel, wide with horror, red and full of tears. Her mouth is open, wide, and I can tell somewhere inside of her she’s screaming and screaming and screaming... But nothing comes out.

* * *

“I’m so tired, man...” I moan into the phone. “Sick of dealing with this girl. Sick of thinking about her all the time.”

Ty murmurs sympathetically. “What happened?”

“She tried to get us to go to lunch together. Me and Henry. And her, too.” I wind the phone cord around my finger. “Yeah. He was a jackass, I was a jackass, and he ended up storming out...” I sigh. “She’s angry with me. Really angry. Somehow this is all my fault, evidently. Somehow Henry was the perfect gentleman.”

Ty sighs. “You can’t take it personally...”

“But she thinks he’s perfect! She thinks I’m an immature asshole who can’t appreciate this guy!” I protest.

Ty pauses for a moment. “Right now that’s what she needs to believe.”

“Why the hell would –“

“She wants both of you, man,” he says softly. “She has to fuck with one of you, and...”

“But why not him?” I interrupt.

He laughs tiredly. “Because you’re the one she knows will put up with it.”

“But it’s driving me crazy,” I protest.

“I know.” He sighs. “Love, huh?”

“I’m not in love with her,” I groan.

He laughs. “Never said you were.”

“Fuck you.” I slam the phone down. But I’m smiling.

* * *

“I’m sorry.”

Alice slams her locker. “Good for you.” She turns and starts off down the hall.

“Alice, cut the shit!” I call after her, my voice straining. I hurry to catch up. “Why do you keep trying to make me the bad guy?”

She stops and stares at me. “What the hell are you whining about now?”

“I’m not...”

“Yeah, you are. All you ever do is complain that I’m not the same, or things aren’t right, or you’ve got a fucked up life, or something else. Noone cares, X. I’m so sick of hearing you go on about every little thing like it’s some personal offense. You’re trying to make the world hurt you, like you’ve got something to prove!” Her eyes flash.

I stare at her for a moment. “I...”

She looks up at me, and immediately her expression softens. “I didn’t mean it like that,” she says softly.

“Yes you did.” I take a shaky breath. “That’s cool. Yeah. That’s... I have to go to class. I’ll see you... Around.” I trudge slowly down the hall.

Alice says nothing. No insistence, no apologies. I can feel her eyes on me, staring at my slouched shoulders as I walk dejectedly away.

But she doesn’t try to stop me.

* * *

X,

Sometimes I can’t think straight and all my thoughts get knotted together, and all I want to do is hurt someone so badly they can’t breathe. I just want to knock the shit out of someone. Because nothing is fair, nothing is fair at all, why the hell aren’t things fair?

And none of this is coming out like I want it to. Maybe you can make sense of it?

Ditch last period with me? I’ll meet you in the parking lot. But if you’re not there... Well... Just be there, okay? And if not... I’ll be at the GK this afternoon... All afternoon. Show up?

And I hate writing letters because they never end up making sense Just pretend this is articulate. Pretend it makes sense. I just need to talk to you, so badly... PLEASE!!!!!

Stuck in the rabbit’s hole,
Alice

* * *

She’s sitting on the grass when I get there. Her eyes are shiny and red. But she smiles when she sees me. “You came.”

I sit down silently a few feet away.

“I didn’t think you would. I didn’t... I was afraid I’d screwed things up for good. Forever.”

I stare at the sun. I want to squint, want to shut my eyes, shade them, something... But I let it burn. Until I can’t anymore. Then I blink and start over again.

“I hate myself sometimes,” she confesses.

Bright...

“You... I didn’t... You’re okay, right? You know... I didn’t mean any of that shit.”

Bright...

“I miss the way things used to be, too. Sometimes. All that shit we used to spend hours talking about that... Those conversations about absolutely nothing...”

Bright...

“Henry doesn’t get it. The nothing stuff. The silence stuff. It’s like we have to either be talking about something big or we need to be making out.”

I force my eyes open wider.

Bright bright bright bright...

“I let him.”

I can’t take it anymore. It feels like my head is going to explode. I squeeze my eyes shut.

“You know... Have sex. And everything.”

There are dots behind my eyelids.

“It wasn’t so bad, I guess.”

Pink and purple and green and white. Mostly white.

“Everyone has to sometime, right?”

They’re swimming around, fast and slow and in between.

“Three times now. It doesn’t seem like such a big deal anymore, I guess. Last night when I went over there, it was just... You know. Like he expected it. But that’s okay, right?”

I press my fingers into my eyelids. The dots get brighter.

“I guess it doesn’t matter that much. It’s stupid to make a big deal out of it.”

I pull my fingers away. My eyeballs throb.

“Are you okay?”

I open my eyes again. Everything is slightly out of focus. I stare at her.

“X?”

“He’s taking advantage of you,” I say hoarsely, my tongue too thick to form the words. “He knows you’re young. He knows you won’t say no.”

She stares at me.

“That’s how guys work. We’re selfish.”

I stand up and wipe the grass from my shorts.

“But so are you.”

She eyes me silently.

“You get everything you want.”

I pick up my jacket and shrug into it.

“And I may be selfish, but I don’t. I don’t get that.”

My eyes connect with hers.

“All I ever really wanted was you, Alice Creevy.”

I turn around and stare at the sun for a moment.

“Yeah. All I ever wanted was you.”

I spin around and take off running for my car.

* * *

Manuel is staring at the television. Really staring, as if there’s something there beneath the surface of the screen, as if it holds the answer to the question that noone is even brave enough to ask.

“You okay?” I ask him softly.

He doesn’t look up. “She doesn’t understand why I did it.”

“I know.”

“She won’t even talk about it. Like it’s my fault for wanting to protect her.”

I sigh. “But the way that you protected her...”

“That’s the point,” he says, his voice cracking. He turns off the TV and throws the remote to the ground, turning to face me. “It’s the worst... But... I would do it. For her.”

“Why?”

“If you heard them talking about your mother that way... Describing the things they would do to her...” He takes a shaky breath. “You would do it too. A thousand times. To a thousand people. As long as she was spared.”

I nod. Because I understand now. Except for me, it’s different. I wouldn’t do that for my mother. I hardly know my mother.

But I would do it, if I had to.

Even after everything, I would do it.

For Alice.

I would do it a thousand times, for her.

November 8th: Just a Little Unwell

2005-11-08T18:09:00.000-08:00

Mari takes Saturdays off. So she’s downstairs when I wake up, eating toast at the kitchen table, the paper open in front of her.

She looks up when I walk in. “Sleep okay?”

I had horrible nightmares. Blood and bits of bone all over the place, imbedded in my fingerprints. Every time I touched something it was stained. Brady’s voice was in the background, mumbling nonsensical words and phrases that I somehow understood. “Yeah,” I reply, wandering over to the fridge. “All good dreams.”

“They made the paper again,” she sighs. I stare at her, pulling the orange juice carton out of the refrigerator. “That group he’s in.”

“You can say ‘gang’,” I snap. “Won’t kill you.” I tilt the carton to my lips.

Suddenly Mari’s hand is on my arm, gripping my wrist, hard. “Do you not understand?” she whispers hoarsely. “Xavier, this is my son.”

I nod. She lets go. I try to pick up the juice, but my hands are shaking so much I can’t hold the shiny plastic carton. It slips from my hands. Mari and I both watch silently as orange liquid puddles on the tile.

And suddenly it’s bright red, and it’s all over my clothes and my feet and I can’t breathe. I back away slowly, steadying myself on the counter, my hands still trembling. Mari stares at me. I shake my head slowly, swallow hard, and take off running. She doesn’t try to stop me.

* * *

The Knoll is a thirty minute walk from my house. I can run the distance in half that, on a good day. And there’s no better day for running than when something horrid is chasing you.

I collapse on the grass and curl up in a ball, breathing hard, my heart pounding and my eyes squeezed shut. “Oh god oh god oh god oh god,” I moan. “Oh god.” I cough. It tastes like blood. I spit into the grass and wheeze and cough and moan again. I can’t breathe.

Slowly the world comes back into focus. I spread out my limbs and lie sprawled on my back, still breathing hard, the sun turning everything inside my eyes bright pink.

I must lie there for awhile, because the next thing I know Alice is standing overhead, peering down at me through squinted eyes. “Mari is crazy worried about you, X.” She whips out her cell phone and dials.

I shake my head slowly. “Tell her sorry,” I mumble. My mouth is dry.

“Mari? He’s here. Yeah.” Alice nods. “I’ll tell him. Did... Okay. Right. You too. Bye.” She snaps the phone closed and sits down beside me. “You have got to calm down.”

I sigh. “Everything sucks,” I groan. “Wish I were dead.”

She looks down at me with a sad smile. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re not.”

Somehow, that’s worth the world.

* * *

“I’m not going to lunch with your pedophile boyfriend!”

Alice looks at me out of the corner of her eye. “Yes you are.” She makes a sharp right and pulls into a parking space. “See, we’re here already. Quick and painless.”

“Alice, look, you can date him if you want to. I have no say. But there’s no way I can sit across from him and ingest food.”

She reaches over and opens my door. “Shut up and get out of the car.”

“If I weren’t so hungry right now, I might just walk home.”

She laughs. “And if I didn’t love you so much, I’d slap you.”

I glare at her. “That’s comforting.”

But I get out of the car.

* * *

“Xavier. Good to see you.”

I grunt.

“Fine, thank you. And you?”

Alice puts a hand on his shoulder. “Henry,” she says quietly.

He looks up at her and sighs. “Well, it’s not like I want to be here, either. I’d rather not have to see you, outside of class. But Alice wants us to get to know one another...” He shrugs. “And I would do anything for her.”

“That’s really beautiful,” I spit.

Alice scoots in next to me and puts her arm around me. “Xavier, if you blow this, I swear...”

“I told you I didn’t want to do this. I told you.”

“You and Henry both said you’d do anything for me,” she hisses. “I’m beginning to see the difference – he meant it, you didn’t.”

I shake my head and start to protest, but she looks away.

Henry clears his throat. “This is just a bit awkward.” He takes a sip of his water.

“I can’t do this,” I mutter, and climb over Alice to get out of the booth.

She wrestles me back into my seat. “You’re going to.”

“No. I’m not. I can’t sit here with you and this pedophile and have a good time and make nice and pretend everything’s happy and good. That’s not who I am, Alice! I didn’t think that was who you were.”

“He’s not a pedophile,” she says softly, still gripping my arm. “Stop calling him that. Stop trying to be so obstinate and terrible about everything. Why do you always have to make the worst?”

Henry sighs. “If you kids are just going to bicker...”

“No, stay!” Alice says loudly. A few people nearby turn around and stare at us. “Guys, please. Both of you. Why can’t you just do this? This one thing?”

Henry rolls his eyes and puts down his napkin. “I’m sorry, kids, I just don’t... Alice, I’ll call you.”

“Henry!” she says fiercely. But he’s out the door before she has a chance to change his mind.

She turns to glare at me for a second before she races out after him. I watch the scene through the window. She intercepts him as he unlocks his door. He shakes his head and climbs inside. She keeps talking, through his window, making desperate gestures. But he doesn’t listen. She’s left standing there as the car backs up and drives away.

Alice comes back inside, wiping her eyes. “Thanks, Xavier,” she says hoarsely. “That was really mature of you.”

I stare at her. “I’m sorry,” I lie. “Really sorry.”

* * *

Mari is waiting when I get home. She throws her arms around me and sighs into my shoulder. “You’re crazy, hermanito.”

“I’m not that little,” I protest, pulling away. But she just smiles at me.

Manuel looks up at us from the couch and mutes the TV. “I’m sorry, X. If my questions... Messed with you. Or something.”

I shake my head. “It’s okay, man. Not your fault for wanting to know who you are.”

“I guess,” he says, and turns the volume back up.

Mari pulls me into the laundry room and slams the door. “I’m worried about that boy.”

“He seems fine to me. Better than fine. He’s handling this better than I am.”

“That’s why I’m worried,” she says quietly. “He hasn’t wanted to talk about it at all. I’m so worried for him. Worried he’ll go back... With those people.”

I stare at her. “Mari.”

“What?”

“Manuel hasn’t seen them in days,” I say, pacing the tiny room.

She laughs softly. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

“You don’t understand,” I say quietly. “Gangs like this... They don’t let you just... Leave.”

She stares at me.

“They come to your house. They find you. They...”

She squeezes her eyes shut. “Oh, no.”

As if on cue, the doorbell rings.

November 7th: Melancholy and Cool, Kind of Bittersweet

2005-11-07T19:30:00.000-08:00

I drive numbly to the Grassy Knoll and somehow manage to get out of the car to a safe, well-worn spot on the grass. I stare up at the sky, that five o’clock stillness that isn’t quite afternoon and isn’t quite dusk, and pull my knees to my chest.

I sit there in total silence until the sun is almost set. Then I hear footsteps behind me.

“Called your house. Then called Ty. He said you might be here.” Alice sits down beside me. “He wouldn’t tell me what was up. Are you okay?”

I don’t speak. Can’t speak. There aren’t the words. This ancient family secret has been eating away my insides ever since I could talk. I’ve never had to form the words before, to force them out of my mouth. And now that I need them, I can’t.

“I got your note,” she whispers. “It’s okay. I don’t think anyone knows... Who they are. Or how they should be. I don’t think anyone knows how to be okay.”

I stare at her.

“What’s wrong, X? Is it me?”

I shake my head slowly, breathing deeply.

“Manuel?”

I shrug. “We... He wasn’t supposed...” I take a deep, shuddering breath. “He wasn’t supposed to find out.”

“Find out what?”

I shake my head. “Alice, I can’t,” I say, my voice breaking. “I just...”

She nods. “Okay.” She puts her arm around me and pulls me close. But this time there’s no kiss. This time there’s only my head on her shoulder, her breasts pressing into my heaving chest, her arms crushing all the pain and anxiety and years upon years of never telling the truth... This time it’s just me, needing her, and her breathing softly in my ear as the sunset fades to black.

* * *

I call Ty the second I get home. “How do you tell your little brother that you know that he knows that you lied?”

“You hardly lied,” he says slowly. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but this was just the way it was supposed to be, right? You never actually said anything flat out, either way.”

“But I knew, and he didn’t, and it was about him, and he’s old enough now that someone should’ve told him,” I say in one breath, putting some coffee on to brew.

“Look, I don’t think there’s a step-by-step guide for this. He’s hurt. He’s hurt like crazy. But that last time he talked to you? When he asked for your help? He knew then, too. Who knows how long he’s known, right?” He sighs. “Just play it by ear, man. You can call me, when you’re done. Is he home?”

I nod, then sit there numbly for a moment before I realize he can’t hear me. “Yeah.” I take a deep breath. “He’s home.”

* * *

I knock on Manuel’s door. “Let me in, jackass.”

“Gimme a minute,” he yells, and I hear things rustling around. Then he pulls open the door.

The stench hits me immediately. “Wow,” I cough. “Where’d you get the smokes?”

He shrugs. “You know.”

Oh. “Look, Garrett and I sat down and talked about your problem. Garrett Johnson? Says you talked to him awhile ago.”

Manuel tenses. “Yeah.”

“Yeah,” I say gently, sitting down on the floor. Manuel collapses next to me. “So you know.”

He nods. “Yeah.”

“Did Mari tell you? Or did you just... You know... Figure it out?”

Manuel shrugs. “I... I think I’ve always known. Maybe not the specifics. But the way...” He sighs. “I don’t know. Intuition, I guess. Like, if you walk into a room of people all wearing costumes and masks... Somehow, you can still find your friends, and your family...”

“Your mother,” I say quietly.

He nods. “Yeah.”

I sigh. “I don’t know why we didn’t just tell you, from the beginning. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. She was just... Young, I guess.” I knead the carpet with my knuckles. “And for me, too, maybe. It’s confusing for a four-year-old to understand that the new kid is his nephew, not his brother. What would the kids at school say? You know how things get around, in this town.”

He nods.

“So have you talked to Mari about this at all? Or do you not even know the story?”

He shakes his head. “How do you tell someone that you know that they’re your mother?”

I nod. “Yeah.”

“But I want to know. What happened. Or... You know.”

“Yeah,” I say softly. “Okay. Mari was fourteen. Beautiful. Tired. A sophomore in high school. Mamá still worked a lot, even then. Our father – Mari’s and mine, I mean – had left about two years earlier. So Mamá was at work, all the time.”

I sigh. “Mari got to going out a lot. Noone was around to tell her no, or tell her not to do shit. She knew, of course. Knew what could happen. But when it came down to it, she just wanted to have a good time.”

“And she ended up with me.”

“Yeah. In April, she was dating a guy named Brady. Some basketball jock, MVP of the team. They went out to this grassy hill a few blocks outside of town, went parking there. It wasn’t the first time, but he’d forgotten... You know. And then nine months later, there you were.”

Manuel’s eyebrows lower. “What happened to him? My father?”

“When Mari told him that she was pregnant... He didn’t take it that well,” I say slowly.

He stares at me, wide-eyed.

“He shot himself.”

Manuel puts a hand to his mouth and bites down hard on the side of his finger.

Somehow, I feel like I need to make up for not having told him about Mari, all these years. Need to tell him a truth that has been kept even more secret, swept even further under the rug.

“I... I was there.”

* * *

I hardly even remember it. To me, it was just a lot of screaming and then a loud noise and suddenly, blood. Tons of blood. More blood than I’ve seen since, anywhere. I was covered in it. They couldn’t get the smell out of my hair for weeks afterward. Mari kept shampooing, over and over, day after day. Hundreds of times. But we could still smell it, both of us.

I mostly just remember him looking at me and laughing, all these tears on his face, just staring at me with this paralyzing fear in his eyes. “I’m too young to be this old.” His last words. They didn’t make sense to me then. But I think I get it, now.

And then he put the gun in his mouth, and I ran toward him. But by the time I got there, by the time I reached out a hand to touch his hair, there was only blood, dark and red and all over the place, staining my clothes and my hair and my face and my hands, pooling on the ground, in the grass. Sometimes, when I’m there with Alice, I can still smell it. Sometimes the Knoll just reeks of death.

* * *

“Manuel figured it out,” I say softly when Mari walks in the door.

She stares at me, through the darkness. “Did someone tell him?”

I shake my head. “He just put two and two together. I guess. I talked to him about it, though.”

“Did you tell him... What happened?”

“Yeah.”

She walks over slowly and sits next to me on the couch. “Not the details, I hope.”

“I don’t even remember the details anymore,” I lie. All night, they’ve been coming back to me. Just the blood, at first. I could smell it, suddenly, everywhere. And then the noise, the gun going off. His voice in my ears. Everything.

Mari leans forward and looks into my eyes. “Xavier.”

“You shouldn’t have left,” I say, my voice shaking. Because when Mari had seen the gun, all those years ago, she had gone running. Running to a phone, to a house, to someone who could help. And she’d left me alone with Brady, alone with Brady and his gun, alone with Brady and what was about to happen. “You should have sent me. You should have seen it instead of me. It had nothing to do with me! I was just a kid!”

She presses her finger to my lips. “Shhh.” She scoots down on the sofa and pulls my head into her lap. I curl up, pressing my legs to my chest, and wrap my arms around them.

“You shouldn’t have left,” I say, over and over and over.

Mari runs her fingers through my hair, rubs my arms with her calloused fingers. And then, finally, when my accusations are barely a whisper... “I know.”

* * *

Alice passes me a note in English. Feeling any better? :-(

No. I put my pen in my mouth and gnaw at the cap. It tastes bloody. Everything, today, is bloody.

She gives me a concerned look. Do you want to talk???

No.

She sighs. You know your note? Where you said all you wanted was to see me smile?

I guess.

That’s just about all I want, right now. To see you smile.

I weakly turn up the corners of my mouth in her direction. She shakes her head and sighs.

* * *

Ty insists on taking me for coffee after school. He shoves a steaming mug of decaf at me and sits down. “Figured you didn’t need any more jitters.”

I nod.

“So you told Manuel about Brady and Mari? And... You know... Brady?”

I nod again, taking a long sip. It burns my lips.

Ty sighs. “You used to draw pictures of it. When we were younger. Just a bunch of red crayon scribbles, and then when Friedman would ask you what your picture was about, you’d just say --”

“‘Brady’,” I whisper. “Yeah. I know.”

“It’s easier to forget, I guess,” he says gently.

I nod. “I don’t think I can go back to the Knoll, now. Not for awhile. Maybe not ever.”

“You can’t hide from it. Wherever you are, it’ll find you.”

I nod. I bring the coffee to my lips, but it stinks of blood. I set it down.

“I wish I’d never seen it.”

“Yeah.”

“I wish he’d waited till I wasn’t around. Till noone could see him.”

“Yeah.”

“Sometimes I wish Manuel just... You know... Had never been.”

Ty stares at me for a minute. I start to speak, but he holds up a hand.

“Yeah,” he says quietly. “I understand that, too.”

* * *

Somehow I find the strength to show up at the Knoll. I know Alice will be there.

Sure enough, when I walk up, she’s lying in the grass. She opens her eyes when she hears me.

“I wondered if you would come,” she says softly. “I called your house. Mari told me... The basics.”

I sigh. “About Brady?”

“Yeah.”

I sink down next to her and lay on my stomach. “I should’ve told you. It’s no big deal.”

“X...” She stares at me for a moment, struggling to find the words. “If you feel it, it’s a big deal.”

I avoid her eyes. “No it’s not.”

“Well, it is... For me.”

She picks up my hand and laces our fingers together.

“Why do we keep secrets from each other?” she says softly.

I shrug. “I don’t know.”

She leans in closer. She smells like peach body spray. Not blood. I close my eyes and inhale.

“It would just be so much simpler,” she says softly, running her fingers through my hair, “if everyone told the truth.”

November 6th: The Biggest Secret

2005-11-06T19:44:00.000-08:00

Alice won’t look at me in English. I send her note after note. She lets them lie on her desk, folded into neat squares, on top of her books and binders. She stares at her hands instead of reading them. Once, I tap her on the shoulder. She still refuses to look.

I think I understand it, now. Why romance ruins friendships.

I think I understand a lot more now than I did before.

* * *

“I don’t think I can fix things.”

Ty stares earnestly at me over the rim of his coffee mug. “Dude, it can’t be that bad. You didn’t do anything, right? From what you say, she kissed you.”

“I think she was testing me,” I say slowly. “She wanted to know... If I really was content with just being her friend.”

Ty rolls his eyes. “At the risk of sounding like my grandmother, ‘If you goin’ to secretly test someone, boy, you cain’t be all angry witchim if he fails.’”

“Tell that to Alice, not me,” I mutter, stirring more sugar into my coffee.

“You just want to make her happy, don’t you?” he asks gently.

I nod.

“And you’ll be miserable until she is.”

I nod again, sipping my coffee.

“Maybe,” he says slowly, “she feels the same way about you.”

* * *

Manuel is just leaving when I get home. I block his way. “Where are you going?”

“A friend’s house,” he says, shoving me. He’s stronger than I took him for. I grip the doorway with both hands.

“Manny,” I say sharply. “Look at me.”

His eyes meet mine.

“Let me drive you, okay? We can talk on the way.”

He glares at me. “I don’t think so.” He shoves me again, this time using all his force, and runs out the door.

I slam the door and take off after him. I chase him up the driveway, down the street, around the corner. We run for blocks. My heart is pounding a harmony to my feet. Don’t slow up, don’t slow up, don’t slow up. By god, Xavier, don’t slow up! But I can feel my speed slipping away. Thankfully, Manuel’s is, too. I finally catch up to him, seven blocks later, and put him in a headlock as I wrestle him to the ground.

“What . . . the hell . . . was that . . .?” I pant.

He shakes his head. “Don’t know.” He tries to wriggle from my grip, but I’ve been doing this for thirteen years now and there’s no way I’m letting up. I straddle his knees and pin his arms to the ground, his head thrashing in the grass.

“Look, Manny,” I say slowly, “I don’t want to control you. I just don’t want to worry about you.”

He’s still for a moment. “That’s the problem, though,” he whines. “It’s all about you.”

I stare at him. “Manny, dude, ever since you were born, this is like a different family. You realize that, don’t you? We’ve changed so much for you, little brother. Mamá goes to work hours and hours a day so she can buy you things and make you happy. She sold her favorite pair of earrings so she could buy you a toy truck on your third birthday. She...” I shrug. “You’re everything to her, you know that? You’re her baby. Mari and me, we’re just what happened before.”

“But all she ever talks about is you and college, you and school, you and how you’re going to be the first person in the family ever to do anything. She never says that about me!” He finally stops squirming.

I shake my head. “Kid, she says I’m going to be the first, but you? Since the day you were born, she’s been saying you’re going to be the best.”

His face brightens a little. “Really?”

“Really.” I stand up and offer him a hand. He takes it. We slowly begin the walk home.

When we’re about a block away he looks up at me. “Xavier?” He bites his lip.

“What, kid?”

He scuffs his sneaker on the ground. “I need your help.”

* * *

Mari arrives home at midnight, looking spent, to find me sitting on the couch in the dark. “Oh, god,” she groans.

“You knew. You knew... Mari, what the hell is wrong with you? You didn’t tell me... You didn’t even let on...”

“Did you follow him around or did he tell you himself?” she asks wearily.

I sigh. “He asked for my help, Mari.”

“Shit.”

I close my eyes. “Yeah,” I say quietly. “That’s what I thought.”

* * *

Alice,

Look, I don’t know what’s going on between us, okay? I don’t really understand it. I don’t really understand much. I’m afraid that neither of us do, and that this thing – the kiss, the hand on your shoulder, everything combined – is going to be the end of something we’ve had since before I knew what love and friendship even WERE.

Maybe I’m jealous of Henry, and maybe I should have dealt with that better. Maybe I’m trying to prove something to both of us that it just isn’t fit to be proven. Maybe I should let you make your own choices, even if I think they’re mistakes. Maybe I should try to see the best in people. Maybe I should do a lot of things, things that I don’t do.

Alice, all I want is to see you happy, to see you SMILE. It’s like this thing – love triangle, mixed up mess of hormones, whatever the hell it is – is draining all your life from you. You’re changing, Alice. And maybe everything changes, maybe everyone changes, maybe I’m changing too... And maybe I should let go, now, before we both go our separate ways and I get my heart broken. But even if I tried I don’t think I could shake the feeling that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me, and without you... I can’t even imagine how things would be without you.

And I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, or depresses you, or keeps that smile away for any longer. I just wish that you would understand that you mean more than anything to me. Anything. More than my pride or my stupid crush or some melodramatic hate for Henry. I would do ANYTHING for you, Alice Creevy. Anything in the world.

Your friend first, second, and always,
X

I slip the note into her locker between third and fourth period, then run down the hall. And somewhere in the middle of AP Physics, I finally remember to breathe.

* * *

“God, X, this is crazy,” Ty whistles, leaning back in his seat. He looks drained. “I didn’t think Manuel would be in this much trouble for years.”

“Yeah, well, believe it. This is the real shit, Ty. What am I going to do? I can’t deal with these guys. They kill people.”

He gives me an odd look. “I wonder...”

I lean forward. “What?”

Ty presses his fingertips together. “It’s just that... It seems odd to me. That Garrett could know.”

“Explain.”

Ty sighs. “Garrett. Johnson. He’s not Mexican. Or Latino. Of any kind. You know that.”

“He has red hair.”

“Exactly. But... He figured this out, before I did.”

I lower my eyebrows. “How do you know him again? Didn’t you say you didn’t know him?”

“He’s a friend,” Ty says quickly. “And yeah. I was... Muddled. Anyway, I was telling him about Manuel, back when you first started worrying him about it. And Garrett said, ‘Manuel Gonzales? Really? Well, he’s a pretty streetwise little kid. He knows his way around the neighborhood.’”

“But we don’t even live in the neighborhood,” I point out.

Ty nods. “Exactly. And neither does Garrett. Look, I called him a few minutes ago. He should be hear soon. Then you can ask him, instead of just hearing my guesses.”

I pull my sleeves down over my hands and bring my coffee to my lips. “I need answers, dude,” I mutter.

“Yeah. I know.”

Just then a redheaded, muscular guy slams open the door. “Tyler Graham and company?” His booming voice takes over the entire coffeehouse.

Ty waves. “Over here.”

“Ah, there you are,” Garrett says, quieter, and saunters over. “And you’re X. Xavier. I like Xavier better, but it’s your name to shorten.” He sticks out his hand. “Garrett Johnson. Your sixth grade lab partner, Ty’s...” They exchange a glance. “Ty’s friend, and all-around good guy.”

I grab his hand and he pumps my fist enthusiastically. “So Ty says you have some questions about your brother. Manuel. Manny. The Man. So what do you know, just so we don’t waste any time with repetition?” He pulls up a chair and straddles it backward, in that over-confident way I’ve only seen guys in the movies pull off before.

“He’s one of the Brothers, isn’t he?”

Garrett sighs. “South Traigville Blood Brothers. Correct. Look, I’m going to give it to you straight. Their policy on leaving is pretty simple: you don’t. These are violent guys with some pretty violent secrets. He tries to get out on his own, they’ll hurt him pretty bad. You try to help, they’ll do some evil shit to you both.”

“That’s it? You just can’t get out?”

“It’s complicated,” he says, sighing. “They won’t kill you. They’re not that far into it. They’ve never actually killed anyone, from what I’ve heard. They’re mostly just into acting tough. But you watch the news. Seen what they do to women.”

I stare at him. “No. We don’t have a TV.”

“Oh, shit,” he and Ty say in unison. “That’s a problem,” Garrett continues. “Does Manuel know? Would he... Oh, shit.”

“What? You don’t think they’d hurt my sister, do you?” My eyes fill with horror. “Or my mother?”

He shakes his head slowly. “I don’t know what they’d do, man. But at this point, I think we just need to find out everything we can about how far in Manuel is and how much he knows. What they do will depend on that.”

“Can I ask you a personal question?” I say suddenly.

He and Ty exchange a nervous look. “Um, I guess.”

“How do you know all this?”

Ty exhales slowly while Garrett looks me straight in the eye with a twisted smile on his face. “My little brother Travis was adopted,” he says finally. “From Chile. He joined the Brothers last year.”

“And he told you about Manuel?”

Garrett shakes his head. “A bunch of the guys came to our house one night while I was out. Started a ruckus. My mother was home. Tried to stop them. They threw her up against a wall. A couple of the guys assaulted her while a few more held my brother back.”

Ty and I stare at him, our mouths hanging open.

“Travis, he wrestled his way out. Slugged one of the guys pretty bad. Broke his nose. This guy carries a heavy weight in the gang. Didn’t want Travis around anymore. Called him fake-blood and a lot of other things. They kicked him out.”

Ty puts a hand on his shoulder, but I’m still not satisfied. “But how do you know about Manuel?”

Garrett nods. “Ever since, Tyler still keeps up with some of his gang brothers. When new kids come in, especially young kids, he gets to know them. Brings them to me. We tell him what happened. We try to convince him to get out.”

“And you talked to my brother?”

He nods. “That’s why I’m so surprised he came to you for help, really. When we talked, you were all he would talk about.”

“What? That I get all the attention? That he doesn’t think our mother notices him?”

“No,” he says slowly. “He was upset because you’re lying to him.”

I stare at him, right into his green eyes. “He knows. About Mari.”

“Yeah,” Garrett says gently. “He knows.”

November 5th: The Empty Things [edited @ 6:37 EST]

2005-11-05T14:41:00.000-08:00

Ty flops back on my bed. “Dude, you are in way over your head.”

“Yeah, I really needed you to tell me that.” I stare out my bedroom window at the same scenery that’s been there for years – the same tree, the same fence, the same street. But it all looks different, somehow. Less bright. “I think I finally get it,” I murmur.

“Hm?”

“I can’t do jack shit.” I run my fingers over the glass. “All the people I care about are fucking things up, and I can’t do jack shit.”

Ty’s reflection rolls its eyes. “X, you can do all sorts of shit. Just not the shit you want to do.”

“Then what shit can I do? Maybe I can be there for her. That’s a good idea. I can just swallow my doubts until he assaults her or breaks her heart. I can just live in this fantastic little world with these fantastic little people until Alice ends up crazy hurt and she wants to know why I didn’t keep telling her that this Henry guy was bad news.” I kick the wall. “Brilliant, Tyler, brilliant.”

“If you never let her solve her own problems, what’s she gonna do when you’re gone, man? What will she do when you’re not there to beat up the bad guys? Tell her what’s right and what’s wrong? She’s got to make some bad decisions, man,” he says gently. “That’s how people learn.”

“I just don’t want her to get hurt.”

“Yeah,” he says slowly. “That’s part of it.”

I turn around and meet his gaze. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Your real problem is that...” He pauses, biting his lip, choosing his words. “You’re afraid she’s going to find out that she doesn’t need you, anymore.”

I shake my head. “No, I’m not.”

Ty stares at me.

“I’m not!”

“Don’t lie to yourself, man...”

I turn my back to him and run my fingers over the window. He’s not right. I know he’s not right. He can’t be right.

. . . Right?

* * *

“Is Alice home?”

Mrs. Creevy stares at me, a perplexed look crossing her face. “Xavier, dear. Hello.”

“Hi.” I kick the ground nervously with my shoe. “Um, is she home? It’s okay... If she doesn’t want to talk to me. I understand.”

She shakes her head. “Well, no, Xavier, she’s actually not home.”

“Do you know where I could find her?”

“Well,” Mrs. Creevy says slowly, staring at her perfectly manicured nails, “I’m not sure I do.”

“She didn’t say anything?”

She shakes her head. “Oh, no, dear, quite the contrary.”

I wait.

“Well, Xavier, she said she was with you.”

“Oh.” Shit.

* * *

I must be crazy. It’s the only explanation. Why else would I be sitting here at midnight, on a grassy hill three blocks outside of town, the kind of tears that boys aren’t supposed to cry burning into my cheeks?

“How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

I turn around and stare at her, messy blonde hair hanging around her shoulders, her skirt wrinkled and her shirt buttoned wrong.

“I don’t know.”

“None,” she says softly. “They all just sit in the dark and cry.” She walks slowly up to me and sits down, draping her arm around my shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah.” I pick a piece of grass and twist it around my finger. “Me too.”

I turn to look at her, and she smiles, working her arm up my back to my head, pulling me ever so slowly toward her. Her lips touch mine, and suddenly we’re kissing, more than kissing. It feels like some part of her is crawling inside of me and I may never be able to get it out.

Suddenly she pulls away. “I’m crazy, X,” she whispers in my ear. “So fucking crazy.” And then she’s crying.

I wrap my arms around her, but she shakes her head. “Stop it.” I let her go. She climbs to her feet and brushes the grass off her knees. “I’m sorry,” she mutters. “I’m so sorry, X, I’m so sorry. You deserve better than me.”

And then she takes off running, and I’m alone again, my head in my hands, my knees to my chest, my stomach being ripped apart by all the things that were supposed to happen that I now know never will.

* * *

“She kissed me.”

“Huh?” Ty asks groggily.

I suddenly realize it’s three in the morning, on a school night, and noone ever calls anyone else this late. “Holy shit, I’m sorry man, I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

“No, now you’ve got me curious,” he yawns. “What’s up, X?”

“Okay, so I went over to Alice’s house to apologize for being a selfish prick and to tell her that she didn’t have to talk to Henry, about the threat thing, because I could handle it on my own.”

“Good.”

I nod. “And her mother told me that Alice had said she was going over to my house.”

“Oh,” Ty groans. “Not good.”

“Yeah. So I went out to the Knoll, you know, our place. Wanted to think about shit. Figured she might show up, later on, too, once she got done with Henry, and then if she needed to talk... You know, I’d be there.”

“Uh-huh.”

“So around midnight, I’m sitting there... You know, not doing so great. And she comes up behind me, and we talk for a minute, and then suddenly she’s all over me.”

He lets out a long breath. “Wow.”

“Exactly. But after a minute she pulls away and says she’s crazy and she’s really sorry and I deserve better and... And then she runs away, before I can say anything.”

Ty sighs. “Ouch. Look, dude, you still need a ride to school?”

“No, Jacob’s back... Thanks though, man.”

“Meet me for coffee then, after school. This needs to be discussed, dude.” He yawns. “When I’m more awake.”

“Yeah. Sorry about that.”

He laughs tiredly. “It’s okay. You can have my ear any time of the day. Literally. Take care, man. God bless.”

“Ty?”

“Yeah?”

I smile. “Thanks, dude.”

“Yeah,” he says softly. “Anytime.”

* * *

I corner Alice at her locker. “What was that about?”

“What?” She gives me a confused look.

I stare at her. “You know what.”

The same blank stare greets me. “No, I really don’t.”

“Alice, stop it.”

She shakes her head. “X, I’m not the person you want me to be. You know that, don’t you?” Her eyes plead with me. “Don’t you?”

I shake my head. “Alice, I don’t know who you are, okay? And I don’t know who I want you to be. But I love you, whoever that is... Is that good enough for you?”

“Yeah,” she says softly. “But X, I’m nowhere near good enough for you.”

I shake my head. “Alice, you’re not making any sense, okay? You know... You must know by now. That I love you, as a friend, and that I’d love you...” My voice cracks. “As more.”

“But how do you know that you love me when I don’t even know who I am?” she says, exasperated.

“Because you’re the only person I’ve ever known who’s vulnerable enough to admit that!” I whisper hoarsely, putting my hand on her shoulder.

We stand like that for a moment, in the middle of the bustling hallway, noone even looking at us, noone realizing that this is the moment I’ve waited for my entire life.

“I can’t,” she says suddenly, jerking away. “X... Quit making this harder.” She slams her locker and races off down the hallway.

I watch her go, until her blonde waves have disappeared into a sea of the same. And then I kick her locker, hard, harder than I know I should. Hard enough to make people stare. And I kick it again. And again, and again.

“Xavier,” someone behind me says softly, putting a heavy hand on my shoulder.

I turn around. Henry’s eyes connect with mine.

“Xavier,” he repeats.

I twist myself from his grip. “She’s changing,” I say. It’s an accusation.

“Everything changes.”

I stare at him, straight into his eyes, straight into that something about him that is stealing Alice away, that vulnerable wisdom, that world-wise sense of “I know something you never will”. And it burns like a knife to the heart when I realize he’s speaking the truth.

November 4th: The Greatest Threat

2005-11-04T23:57:00.000-08:00

Alice tosses a piece of notebook paper onto my desk. It’s not like you didn’t have sex with Amy last year.

I glare at her. I didn’t. We didn’t, I mean. And even if I had, Amy is not my creepy English teacher whom my best friend has a really bad feeling about.

She picks it up, reads it, and sighs. He’s not that much older.

How old is he?

23.

I shoot her a look. You’re seventeen, Alice!

I can take care of myself. Are we really having this argument? Again????

We really are. Again. I can’t believe you’re dating him. I can’t believe you’re thinking of... You know... Having sex with him.

She glares at me for a minute before her face falls and she tears up the note. It’s too late. Cabana is upon us.

“What’s up, kids?”

We both shake our heads.

“Xavier, I want to see you after class.”

“It’s ‘X’,” I correct him quietly.

He turns to stare at me.

“Sir,” I spit.

He shakes his head and returns to the front of the room. He avoids my eyes. He knows that I know.

* * *

“You’re fucking sick,” I tell him.

He stares at me. “Inappropriate language,” he notes softly.

“Inappropriate relationship with a student,” I mock him, my voice sticky sweet.

A flash of anger rushes across his face. “Xavier, I was going to make a deal with you. I’ll give you an A, an A plus even, if you swear you’ll keep your mouth shut. Is that clear?”

“You can’t buy me,” I whisper.

“Well, that’s the thing. You know that B average you’ve been working so hard for?”

I stare at him. “You wouldn’t.”

“You’ll find yourself with an F, Xavier. Choose wisely.”

“This is illegal. I could report you.”

He shakes his head. “Your word against the word of the student in question and a well-respected teacher. Let’s think about that one.”

“You even think about having sex with her and I will be on you so fast...”

He smiles. “Xavier, I’m not pressuring her. Any decisions she makes are her own.”

“She’s seventeen, Henry.”

“You’re jealous.”

“I’m not.”

He smiles.

“I’m not. You’re a fucking pedophile.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“You are!”

“I meant about you.”

I stare at him. “I’m not jealous of you. You have nothing I want.”

“I have everything you ever wanted, Xavier.”

“Just leave her alone,” I say quietly.

“You can’t stand that she’s making her own choices.”

“Leave her alone.”

“And that she’s choosing me over you.”

“Leave her alone!” My voice is shaking. My hands are clenched into fists, my knuckles turning white.

He smiles. “That’s what I thought.”

* * *

“He what?” Ty turns to face me, a shocked look on his face.

“He threatened me. Said he’d fail me if I squealed, and that noone would believe me anyway, so I’d lose twice.” I twisted my watch around on my wrist and leaned back in the seat.

Ty let out a slow whistle. “That’s messed up, man. This whole thing is messed up.”

“No shit,” I say sullenly into the window. My whole head is throbbing.

“It sucks.”

“No shit,” I repeat.

“You’ll be okay, dude. You will. You know you have to let this run it’s course. That’s just the way it has to be. It’ll turn out okay.”

I shake my head and fight back some foreign lump working its way up through my throat. “Life is such a fucking bitch, man.”

He gives me the most pained look in the world. “I know, dude.” He guns the engine and puts the car in gear. “I know.”

* * *

I’m sitting on the Grassy Knoll, staring off into space, when she approaches.

“I’m sorry,” she murmurs in my ear.

I shake my head. “Alice, I can’t. I’m so sick of this.” I squeeze my eyes shut and cradle my head in my hands. “You can’t be happy. Can you? How can you be happy with him?”

She massages my shoulders. “He’s jealous of you, X. That’s all. He knows how close I am to you. He knows that... That I would choose you over him, any day. It worries him.” She sighs. “He’s scared you’ll steal me away.”

“We’re not kids, anymore,” I mutter, jerking away. “You can’t just spout off some bullshit and make me happy. You can’t just manipulate me and make things okay. You can’t do that anymore, Alice. You’ve lost it. Or maybe I just don’t fall for it so easily anymore.” I hug my knees to my chest.

“You don’t believe me. You think I would choose Henry over you.”

“Of course you would.” I sound like I’m about to cry. Am I? I don’t even want to think about it. I press my forehead into my knees.

She sits down behind me, pressing her back against mine. “X, I love you. As much as one person can ever love a friend. And that’s big, for me.” She shifts. “Bigger than Henry. Bigger than anything. Bigger than me.”

“He threatened me,” I say quietly. “He...”

She jerked. “He what? X, please. He didn’t mean it. He was probably just kidding around.” But she doesn’t sound so sure. “What did he threaten you with, anyway? He didn’t say he’d hurt you, did he?”

“He said he’d fail me,” I say quietly. “It’s worse. If I don’t go to college, a good college, if I can’t do that... You know how it is, Alice. You of all people would know.”

She’s quiet for a minute, and when she speaks again, her voice is shaky. “I know. I’ll talk to him, okay?” She kneels in front of me, picking my head up and forcing me to look at her.

It won’t be enough. I know it, and she knows it too. This could be my end. This could be the end of everything.

“Yeah,” I mutter. “Okay.”

November 3rd: Confessions

2005-11-03T15:38:00.000-08:00

“Ty?”

“Yeah?” He sounds breathless, like he ran to get the phone.

I twirl the phone cord around my finger. “I was an ass.”

“It’s okay, man. I really am sorry about not being able to give you a ride. Things, you know? Just things.”

I shrug. “It’s cool. Did I wake you up or something?”

“Um...” I hear him shuffling things around. “Kind of. Look, can I call you back? In an hour or so?”

“You don’t have to. I just wanted to ask in advance if I could get a ride to and fro tomorrow.”

“Sure.”

He sounds overeager, fake eager. “You sure man? You don’t have plans?”

“Amazingly enough, no.”

I smile. “Well, that’s cool. Look, have you seen Alice and that creep again?”

“Well aren’t you the jealous one. No, I haven’t.”

I sigh. “I’m worried about her. She’s... Wait, you said you had to go.”

“Nah. It can wait.” I hear him talking to someone in the background. “Really. What’s up?”

“She’s going to get hurt like crazy.”

He sighs. “Did you tell her that?”

“Yes! And she said that it wasn’t my job to protect her, that this wasn’t about me.”

He chuckled. “Dude, she’s right.”

“What?”

“She’s right, man. It’s not your issue. This has nothing to do with you. She’s not asking for your help. Back off.”

I shake my head. “Ty, it’s illegal.”

“That’s why you’re upset, X? Because it’s illegal? That is such bullshit. You’re just scared for her, and your martyr complex is kicking in. Get over yourself, man.”

“How the hell do I just stand around and wait for her to get hurt?”

He sighs. “First, don’t just assume that she’ll get hurt. She’s a big girl. She can take care of herself. And second, if she does get hurt, you’re the one who gets to throw your arms around her and hand her Kleenex and eat whole gallons of ice cream with her. Just wait, okay? Don’t get too overzealous, man. You’re not going to save the world for a few years yet.”

“Bastard.”

“Thank you. So you need a ride?”

“Yeah. Thanks, man. You give shit advice, but at least you’ve got a car. That works.”

He laughs. “Good stuff. Bye, dude. God bless.”

“Shut up, man.”

“Well aren’t we courteous today.”

I laugh as I hang up the phone.

* * *

“So I talked to Tyler,” I say, strolling up to Alice. She’s flat out on her back in the grass, eyes closed.

She opens her eyes and glares at me. “Good for you. Did he dig the stick out of your ass, too, or did you just talk?” She shakes her head.

“Look, I’m sorry.” I sit down next to her. “I was wrong. I got over involved. It’s none of my business. None.”

“You’re not impressing me,” she mumbles, her eyes still closed.

“I just love you. And shit. And I don’t want you to get hurt. But you can handle your own relationships. I know that. I have a hard time keeping my big, asinine ego in check, but I do. I know that.” I sigh. “Aliiiiiiiiiice,” I whine.

She shifts her legs. “You owe me a chocolate sundae.”

“Done.”

“A big one.”

“Done.”

“With extra fudge sauce.”

“Ugh, someone’s got a big ego. That’s twenty-five cents extra. You really think you’re worth it?”

She laughs. “I’m worth six dollars and thirty seven cents, and not a penny less.”

* * *

I scrape the side of my bowl with my spoon. “So, what is up with Mr. Cabana?”

“Henry,” she corrects me shortly. “Nothing big. Wish it were more, actually. We mostly meet at his place... Eat dinner and watch movies and stuff.”

I nod, resisting the urge to go into a motherly exclamation about how she shouldn’t be alone with this guy. “And make out on the couch.”

“Well, duh.” She grins at me over her sundae. “They skimped on the nuts,” she notes.

“Fascinating.” I spoon another mouthful of ice cream into my mouth. “I miss this. Just hanging out. We’ve hardly had the time, between school and... Henry.”

“You need a girlfriend,” she groans, rolling her eyes. “Something to occupy your time besides worrying about me.”

“Hey, don’t think you get all my attention.”

“No?” She gives me an incredulous look.

I roll my eyes. “Nah. Manuel gets some, too. Quite a lot, these days.”

“How is little Manny?”

“Up to something. Mari won’t tell me what. She won’t even hint at what. She says I’d do something stupid and get us both killed.”

Alice frowns. “That sounds shitty.”

“Yeah. I can’t wait to have my car back so I can stalk the piece of shit and beat the pulp out of him over whatever he’s doing.”

She sighs. “Let me tell you this one more time, okay? Because I’m not sure you get it. You cannot solve everybody’s problems.”

I stare at her for a minute. “He’s my brother,” I say softly.

“I know. But X, there’s more to you than how you deal with everybody else.”

* * *
“Did you kiss and make up? Oh, that’s right – you wish,” Ty remarks, grinning at me from the driver’s seat.

I fight a smile. “Shut up man. You’re delusional. And... Just delusional. I don’t like her.”

“Right.”

“Really! I don’t!” I rub the back of my neck.

“You’re doing the neck thing.”

I pull my hand away. “Shut up and drive. Bastard.”

“Okay, I’m done. I swear.”

We drive for five minutes in silence.

“How’s the Man?” Ty asks finally.

I groan. “Fucking dead, as soon as I get Jacob back. He’s up to something. Mari knows what it is, too, but she won’t tell me, which means it must be really bad, and I’m scared as shit for him. He didn’t come home till three this morning.”

“Mmm.”

“I thought he was dead, maybe... Sat on the couch for a good two hours just waiting for the phone to ring, someone asking me to come identify the body.”

He sighs. “Dude, you have got to get some sleep. You look like the walking dead. And you have to quit worrying about the kid. He’s a streetwise little piece of shit. Garrett said... Never mind.”

“Who’s Garrett? Johnson?”

Ty shakes his head.

“Not Johnson.”

He shrugs. “Noone you know. He just said something... Never mind.” He grabs his coffee from the cup holder and takes a swig.

“Right.” I can tell he doesn’t want me to press it. He seems flustered. I want to ask, but Ty’s just about all I’ve got, right now, and I can’t afford to piss him off.

We pull up in front of the school and he lets me out before he goes to search for a parking spot. “Hey, thanks man. I’ll meet you by the steps? After school.”

“Yeah. Bye, dude.”

“Bye.”

I slam the door and walk slowly inside.

* * *

Alice is waiting for me outside my homeroom. “Escort me to English?”

I shrug. “Sure.”

We start walking. “I’ve been thinking,” she says slowly, like the heaviest weight in the world is hidden somewhere beneath those three words.

“Yeah?”

She watches her feet carefully. “You promise you won’t freak out over this? Because if you do, or if you go ratting to my mom, I swear I will kill you. I swear.”

Oh, shit. “Of course not.”

She sighs. “Swear.”

“I swear.”

“I think...” She trails off. “I think I’m...”

I stop. “What?” The halls are emptying out. The bell will ring any second.

“Going to have sex with Henry,” she says, all in a mumbled rush, folding her hands.

I stare at her, then take off at a brisk walk down the hall. “X!” She chases after me. “You promised you wouldn’t freak out. You did.”

“I thought... Never mind.” The bell rings. “Look, I have to think about this. Alice, this is crazy. This is fucking crazy.”

Henry Cabana sticks his head out of his classroom. “What’s that, Xavier?”

November 2nd: Secrets and Lies

2005-11-02T18:33:00.000-08:00

“Where the hell have you been?”

My thirteen-year-old brother takes off his shoes and slams them on the washer. “What the hell are you waiting up for me for? Mom doesn’t care where I’ve been, neither should you.”

“It’s two in the morning. I’m your brother, and I’m worried about you, and don’t even think about bringing our mother into this! Do you know --”

“How hard she works to put food on the table and clothes on our backs?” he quips. “I’m sick of your fucking speech, X! Leave me alone!” He storms past me toward the stairs.

I grab his arm. “Where the hell are you going and who the hell are you with, Manuel? I can’t watch you all the time. Are you doing drugs? Drinking? Having sex? What are you doing, Manny? You’re too young for this shit!”

He glares at me. “Let me go.” He twists his arm deftly out of my grasp. “Sick of your bullshit, man. Sick of it. You think it’s your job to pester everyone into telling you shit. Well it’s not, X! It’s just fucking not!” He stomps up the stairs.

I grab his leg through the holes between the banister. “Manuel, I’m worried about you.”

“Worry about yourself. You smell like shit, you look like shit, and you’re acting like shit. But then, I’m not surprised. You think you’re fucking Superman or something. Think you can change the fucking world.” He shakes his head and pulls his leg away, then sprints up the rest of the stairs.

I glance at the clock. 2:08. I walk tiredly to the couch and lay down. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I do think I’m Superman. But people need me, don’t they?

. . . Don’t they?

* * *

Someone grabs the back of my sweater as I’m walking down the hall. I spin around. It’s Ty.
“Nice bags.”

“Huh?”

He shoots me a worried grin. “Bags. Under your eyes? Have you slept at all in the past, say, century?”

“Yeah, I couldn’t... Get to sleep last night.” I yawn. “Ended up doing laundry. Mom came home around five and made me go to bed... Still couldn’t sleep.”

He shakes his head. “You can’t be Superman, dude. Take a break.”

“Yeah,” I sigh. “That’s what my little brother said.”

* * *

I pass Alice a note in English. Are you still mad at me?

She glares at me and rips the note in two.

I sigh, pick up my pen, and scribble another note. I guess that means yes.

She reads it quickly and rips it up again, but I think I detect the faintest of smiles forming on her lips.

* * *

I meet Ty by the front steps after school. “Ride?”

“Aw, man, I can’t.” He fakes a smile.

“Are you serious?” I groan. “Jacob’s in the shop, though, and Alice is mad at me, and... What am I supposed to do, camp out here?”

He sighs. “Look, man, I’d give you a ride any time, day or night, and you know it, but I really can’t. And I mean it. Trust me.”

I stare at him. “Why not?”

“I... X, please. Just let it go. Isn’t there anyone else you can get a ride from? Don’t you have anybody else?”

I sigh. “Whatever, man. I’ll find somebody. Forget it.”

He grabs my arm. “Look, dude, I’m sorry. Really.”

“Right.”

* * *

I arrive home after a turbulent ride with some guy I recognize from sophomore gym class. The house is quiet. “Manuel? You here, buddy?”

There’s no answer. I sigh and drop my bag and binders on the table, then put some leftover pizza in the microwave and crank up some music on the stereo.

I don’t hear the car pull into the driveway, just my mother’s tiny voice. “Hola? Manuel? Xavier?”

“Here,” I shout over the buzzing microwave. It breaks almost as often as Jacob.

She runs into the kitchen and hugs me. “What are you doing home?” I say into her shoulder.

“Your sister, she not well. Upstairs, did you check the upstairs?”

I grab her fleshy arm. “Mamá, make sense. Speak slowly. It’s okay. What’s upstairs?”

“Your sister, she come home early, she very sick mí amor, very sick, had to come home to see her.”

“You stay here. I’ll go see.” I run out of the room and sprint up the stairs. “Mari?”

She pops her head out of her room.

“Mamá’s home. She thinks you’re incredibly sick. Like hospital sick. Are you hospital sick? Or are you just being fucking retarded, because I swear, you just cost us a fucking day’s worth of wages...”

She holds up a hand. “Tell her I’m fine. I came home to check up on Manuel, I had to give her some excuse... I told her I had a cold, for chrissakes, and she got this worried?”

“Wait. You came home to check up on Manny?”

She nods.

“Where is he? What’s he been doing?”

She shakes her head. “You’d worry.”

“Mari! Tell me!”

“I can’t. This is bad, okay? Shit could happen, shit that you’re not ready for, that you can’t save, and I sure as hell... Just don’t. I promise, I can do this. You’ve got enough going on, X... College applications, school... You have to get into a good college, X... You have to be the first...”

I throw up my hands. “Why can’t you just tell me?”

“Because you don’t think!” she explodes. “You’d get the both of you killed and Mamá can’t handle that!”

My stomach sinks. “It’s that bad.”

“Yeah.” She sighs. “It is.”

November 1st: Let's Start at the Very Beginning

2005-11-01T15:55:00.000-08:00

Alice lights a cigarette and lies back in the grass. “Here’s to being a senior.” She blows a smoke ring and flashes me a grin.

I prop myself up on my elbows. “You’re going to start a forest fire. Smokey the Bear will find us and beat you to a pulp.”

“I’ll seduce him.” She taps her ashes into an empty Coke can. “Besides, if my nosy mother hasn’t found this place yet, Smokey the Bear has no hope.”

“I think there’s something sick and wrong about the thought of you humping a giant fictional bear.” I pick a blade of grass and twirl it between my fingers. “And I really don’t think lighting the Grassy Knoll on fire is a good way to keep it hidden.”

She laughs. “You think too much, X.”

I close my eyes and stretch my arms over my head. “Our last year in this place. Think we’ll miss it?”

The grass rustles beside me. “What’s to miss? You’re the only good thing about this town.”

My eyes open. “You really hate it here? That much?”

“It’s wretched.” She laces her fingers through mine. “You don’t see it the way I do.”

“How do you see it?”

She drops the last of her cigarette into the can. “It’s the loneliest place in the world.”

* * *

“Hey.” Alice slams my locker shut. I yank my fingers out just in time.

I shake my head rapidly. “Yeah. Where the hell were you? Did you just feel like blowing me off? I was worried about you.”

She gives me an irritated smirk. “I have a mother, X. Cut the routine. I cut fucking movie night , not a court hearing. I had things to do.”

“Whatever.” I dial my combination again, cursing under my breath.

“Look, X...” She smiles apologetically. “I love you, man. Don’t go ape shit on me. I had my reasons for not showing, okay? You wouldn’t get it. But if anyone asks... Can you cover for me? Say I was with you?”

I yank open my locker and shake my head. “I don’t know what you’re doing, okay? I’m not covering for you, especially not right now.”

“Why not right now? I need you right now!”

I shot her a look out of the corner of my eye. “Why not right now? Because you stood me up! And I’m pissed at you for it! And I know it was just movie night, and we have movie night every god forsaken week, and maybe you’re bored of being around me, I don’t know! But...” I stop for a moment to catch my breath and punch the locker next to mine when I see Alice’s amused smirk. “Fuck you, okay? Just... Fuck you.” I zip my bag and slam my locker shut, turning away.

Her hand grips my elbow. “X...”

Something about her voice, how vulnerable she sounds, always gets me. I turn and stare at her defiantly. “What?” I spit.

“I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t need it. And I know it’s not fair of me to skip out on you and not tell you why, and then expect you to lie for me... I’m not being fair, X.” She looked up at me and bit her lip. “But I need you to cover for me. My mother will ask questions... And I need to have the right answers.”

“Alice, I can’t. There’s no --”

She pressed a finger to her lips, as if to silence me. “X... Please .”

Something about that “please” was just earnest enough to push me over the edge. “Fine. But next time... If you can’t show up, or you don’t want to... Whatever, okay? Just call . I get worried.”

“Yeah, Mom, whatever.” She smiled up at me and winked. “But okay. Thank you, X. This is why I keep asking you to marry me.”

“Stop trying to break my heart, Alice Creevy. I might cry, and then all the other boys will come beat me up and steal my lunch money.”

“Poor baby,” she coos, her smile broadening. “Look, I have to take some dipshit English test after school... Meet me at three for coffee? I promise I won’t blow you off this time.”

“Can’t. I have to stalk my little brother. I was going to ask you to join in, but that won’t work.”

“You can’t wait?” She smiles at me charmingly.

I shake my head. “He disappears the second after he drops his shit off at home. I have to speed all the way home to catch him, as it is.”

“Are you just going to follow him?”

I nod.

She shoots me an incredulous look. “You’re setting yourself up for some deep, deep shit. If he catches you, he’ll never speak to you again.”

“I know what I’m doing,” I say defensively. “Look, Alice, if he’s in trouble I need to find out sooner rather than later. And I’m pretty sure Manuel is in some trouble.”

She shrugs. “Whatever.” The warning bell rings in the background, and the slamming of the final lockers echoes through the nearly empty hall. “Coffee’s still open, if you can show. I’ll be there.”

“Aye. I’ll keep it in mind.” I nod at her and wave as she turns to walk down the hall.

She shoots me one last smile. “Remember, I was at your house last night.”

“My house. Right.”

I can’t help but wonder just why she needs me to cover for her. It occurs to me for the first time that maybe Manuel isn’t the only one in trouble.

* * *

“Come on, you piece of crap... JACOB!” I shriek. The engine sputters pathetically. The school parking lot at the end of the day is not a good place for your car to stall. In case you were wondering.

Tyler Graham approaches my window, and I crank it down with a dejected look on my face. “What’s this? Jake Break?”

I realize for the first time how sad it is that my car is so dilapidated there’s actually a widely-accepted term for its impossible stunts.

“Yeah.” I gun the engine again. This time it makes the sound that I imagine is roughly that of a wolf mating with a wildebeest. I take this as a bad sign.

Ty grins at me sympathetically. “I’ll give you a ride.”

“Yeah, that’s good, except that I’m blocking half the student body from leaving right now, and...” The idiot behind me lays on his horn. Ty flips him the bird and shoots me a sheepish grin.

“They’ll live, man. Where’s Alice, anyway? Getting a ride with Cabana again?”

I fumble the keys. “What ?” I stick them back in the ignition. “When was this ?”

“Last night, man... Kind of creepy, huh? ‘Don’t Stand So Close To Me’ rings a bell.”

“You sure it was him?” I try to start the car again. This time there is no noise. The guy behind me leans on his horn again.

“Looked like him. Wonder what they were doing together. Seems scandalous to me. Hanging out with your English teacher in your spare time.”

“Maybe he’s a friend of her mother’s.” I throw the keys at the dashboard in exasperation. They skid over to the passenger side.

Ty shrugs. “Seems kind of young... But I don’t know. Not going to throw any stones.”

I groan. “No Bible references. I’ll hit you, I swear. That ride still open?”

“Only if you let me evangelize.”

I glare at him.

“Sure, buddy. I can call a tow truck in the meantime, if you want. Poor Jake. Maybe he’s rebelling against your bathing habits... You reek, man.”

I start to roll up the window on his fingers. “Didn’t shower last night... Wanted to be available if she called. She stood me up.”

“Well you guys are just friends, man. Maybe she had sexy English teachers to be driving around with.”

I bite my lip and make a grab for my keys. “You think that’s it?” I grunt. “She wants me to cover for her... Tell her mother she was with me. What’s that shit supposed to mean?”

“Sounds like she’s covering for herself.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” I sigh. “Got a cell phone? I need a tow.”

He digs one out of his pocket and tosses it to me. “I’ll go tell the dumbshits behind you to find another way out of here. I’ll be back.”

“Thanks,” I mumble. I watch the doors of the school as the phone rings. A few students walk out in a huddle, laughing and shoving each other.

“Hello?”

“Yeah, I need a tow... My car won’t even start, and I’m blocking about three cars... In my school parking lot.”

“Do you have an address?”

I give it to him.

“And your car won’t start? Is that it? Does it do this often?”

“Yeah, actually, it –“ I trail off mid-sentence. A short blonde girl wanders out of the school, smiling up at the shaggy-haired man with his arm around her shoulders.

Ty’s voice startles me. “Dude?”

I put my hand over the receiver. The guy from the tow-place is talking about cost, but I can’t even concentrate. “Who’s that? Up there? Just walked out?”

He looks toward the front steps. “Oh, shit.”

“You see it too.”

“Yeah.”

I sigh, closing my eyes. “I was afraid of that.”

* * *

I have Ty drop me off at the coffee shop. I barge through the doors, stomping and spitting, dripping with the rain now beating down outside. I spot Alice in the corner, storm over, and plunk down on the wooden chair next to her.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

She eyes me with amusement. “I’m enjoying a cup of coffee... And you?”

“He had his arm around you. He was touching you. What the hell? Is this why you have me covering for you? What are you thinking ?”

She rolls her eyes. “Xavier, stop.”

She only uses my full name when something is up. I lean in closer.

“What, you think I’m going to tell you something? Some slumber party secret?” She laughs. “X, you’re going to see what you want to see. Whether it’s the truth or not... I’m not going to tell you. Decide for yourself. I’m over this high school drama. Done.” Alice leans back and takes a sip of coffee.

I throw my hands up. “It’s unethical!” I can feel the stares of the people around us. I shake my head. “Alice, this is fucked up,” I hiss. “You’re dating him. I know you’re dating him.” She shrugs. “Alice! He’s your teacher . He’s what, twenty-five? You’re going to get yourself hurt!”

“Thanks, Mom,” she replies, absently stirring her coffee.

I stand up. “Whatever, Alice. You think I’m immature anyway, so I might as well say it – I’m telling your mother.”

She bolts from her seat and grabs my arm. “Don’t!”

“Look, Alice, this is screwed up. You can’t do this. I can’t let you do this. Either break it off or I’m telling your mother.” I turn and walk toward the door.

“X, stop...” She tries to drag me back. “X, please! Are you jealous? What is this? Why do you care?”

I turn and stare at her. “I’m not jealous of some pedophile lowlife!” People turn to stare again. “Look,” I say, quieter, “you’re like my sister. Okay? I’m not going to let some older guy fuck up your life. And he would! He would! He’s a guy . Guys are terrible, ruthless beings who only think about how to get in the pants of unsuspecting, attractive girls. We manipulate them to no end.”

“Henry wouldn’t --”

“No,” I cut her off. “He would. He would, and he will, and he’s going to tear out your heart and stomp on it, or force himself on you, or destroy you in some other way, and do you really think I’m going to stand by and watch that? Let that happen? You’re crazy!” I bump the door open with my back and step out into the drizzle.

“X... Just trust me. I can take care of myself.” She looks at me earnestly, biting her lip. “X... Please... Don’t tell my mother...”

I shake my head. “Alice...”

“He’s a good guy, X. A really good guy. Get to know him! Please! Just give him a chance... He’s not going to hurt me.”

I sigh. “Alice, you’ve never been hurt before. I’ve never let any guy hurt you before. You don’t know what he could do to you! This is out of my realm!”

“So this is about you.” She stares at me coldly.

“No! It’s not! It’s about you, and you being happy, and you having good relationships with nice high school boys, or maybe especially nice, non-fraternized college boys, preferably those with pocket protectors. This is about your senior year not being totally fucked up! This is about me watching out for you!”

She shakes her head and looks away for a moment. When she turns back, her eyes are brimming with the beginnings of tears. “Let me get hurt on my own, X. I promise, if he breaks my heart, you’ll be my first phone call.”

“I --”

She slams the door. A teenage couple walking in behind me give me sympathetic looks. I trace the cracks in the brick wall with my fingertips and step out from the shelter of the awning into the heavier rain. “God dammit!” I kick the wall. “God dammit God dammit God dammit!”

From nowhere, Ty is next to me, grabbing my arm, pulling me away from the wall, taking me to his car. “Take it easy, man. Come on. Life’s a bitch. It’s okay, man, it’s okay...”

I give him a weak smile and collapse into his car. “Fuck, man... Fuck...”

He looks down at me for a second before slamming my door shut. “When are you going to admit that you’re crazy about her?”

“I’m not,” I lie.