November 9th: I Would Do Anything For Love

Garrett sits silently next to me on our couch, staring into space. Mari is curled up in the corner, her head cradled in her hands. Finally I turn to stare at Garrett. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you love him,” he says softly.

I sigh and stare ahead again. Manuel comes thumping down the stairs. “X, have you –“ He stops abruptly when he sees Garrett. “Hi.”

“You skip school yesterday, Manny?” I say quietly.

He pales. “Um...”

“Yes or no question. Did you or didn’t you skip school yesterday?” My voice is that threatening kind of low, the kind that’s worse than yelling.

He nods slowly.

“Manuel...” Mari whispers, her voice pained.

Manny sinks to the ground. “How did you know?” he asks Garrett.

Garrett stares at him. “I know everything about that gang of yours, Manuel. I know where they sleep, what they eat for breakfast, what their real names are. I know what they love, I know their secrets, I know which windows in their apartment complexes belong to their bedrooms.” He looks away. “Everything.”

Manuel takes a deep breath. “It wasn’t a big thing.”

“Are you listening to yourself?” I explode. “Are you? You... What you did... That means everything to someone. That is going to be some poor girl’s life for years and years and years.”

“It wasn’t me!” he protests.

I glare at him. “They wouldn’t let you out for not having done anything. You did, didn’t you? You... You...” The word refuses to pass through my lips. “You did!”

Manuel pulls his knees to his chest. “Xavier, please... Xavier... I had to!”

“You didn’t!”

He looks at me, his eyes pleading and wild. “Yes I did! They found out I wanted out! They said they’d... They said...”

“What?” I spit.

He stares at his hands, then looks over at Mari.

And then I understand.

“She’s my... She’s my mother,” he whispers finally.

I stare at my sister. Her eyes are focused on Manuel, wide with horror, red and full of tears. Her mouth is open, wide, and I can tell somewhere inside of her she’s screaming and screaming and screaming... But nothing comes out.

* * *

“I’m so tired, man...” I moan into the phone. “Sick of dealing with this girl. Sick of thinking about her all the time.”

Ty murmurs sympathetically. “What happened?”

“She tried to get us to go to lunch together. Me and Henry. And her, too.” I wind the phone cord around my finger. “Yeah. He was a jackass, I was a jackass, and he ended up storming out...” I sigh. “She’s angry with me. Really angry. Somehow this is all my fault, evidently. Somehow Henry was the perfect gentleman.”

Ty sighs. “You can’t take it personally...”

“But she thinks he’s perfect! She thinks I’m an immature asshole who can’t appreciate this guy!” I protest.

Ty pauses for a moment. “Right now that’s what she needs to believe.”

“Why the hell would –“

“She wants both of you, man,” he says softly. “She has to fuck with one of you, and...”

“But why not him?” I interrupt.

He laughs tiredly. “Because you’re the one she knows will put up with it.”

“But it’s driving me crazy,” I protest.

“I know.” He sighs. “Love, huh?”

“I’m not in love with her,” I groan.

He laughs. “Never said you were.”

“Fuck you.” I slam the phone down. But I’m smiling.

* * *

“I’m sorry.”

Alice slams her locker. “Good for you.” She turns and starts off down the hall.

“Alice, cut the shit!” I call after her, my voice straining. I hurry to catch up. “Why do you keep trying to make me the bad guy?”

She stops and stares at me. “What the hell are you whining about now?”

“I’m not...”

“Yeah, you are. All you ever do is complain that I’m not the same, or things aren’t right, or you’ve got a fucked up life, or something else. Noone cares, X. I’m so sick of hearing you go on about every little thing like it’s some personal offense. You’re trying to make the world hurt you, like you’ve got something to prove!” Her eyes flash.

I stare at her for a moment. “I...”

She looks up at me, and immediately her expression softens. “I didn’t mean it like that,” she says softly.

“Yes you did.” I take a shaky breath. “That’s cool. Yeah. That’s... I have to go to class. I’ll see you... Around.” I trudge slowly down the hall.

Alice says nothing. No insistence, no apologies. I can feel her eyes on me, staring at my slouched shoulders as I walk dejectedly away.

But she doesn’t try to stop me.

* * *

X,

Sometimes I can’t think straight and all my thoughts get knotted together, and all I want to do is hurt someone so badly they can’t breathe. I just want to knock the shit out of someone. Because nothing is fair, nothing is fair at all, why the hell aren’t things fair?

And none of this is coming out like I want it to. Maybe you can make sense of it?

Ditch last period with me? I’ll meet you in the parking lot. But if you’re not there... Well... Just be there, okay? And if not... I’ll be at the GK this afternoon... All afternoon. Show up?

And I hate writing letters because they never end up making sense Just pretend this is articulate. Pretend it makes sense. I just need to talk to you, so badly... PLEASE!!!!!

Stuck in the rabbit’s hole,
Alice

* * *

She’s sitting on the grass when I get there. Her eyes are shiny and red. But she smiles when she sees me. “You came.”

I sit down silently a few feet away.

“I didn’t think you would. I didn’t... I was afraid I’d screwed things up for good. Forever.”

I stare at the sun. I want to squint, want to shut my eyes, shade them, something... But I let it burn. Until I can’t anymore. Then I blink and start over again.

“I hate myself sometimes,” she confesses.

Bright...

“You... I didn’t... You’re okay, right? You know... I didn’t mean any of that shit.”

Bright...

“I miss the way things used to be, too. Sometimes. All that shit we used to spend hours talking about that... Those conversations about absolutely nothing...”

Bright...

“Henry doesn’t get it. The nothing stuff. The silence stuff. It’s like we have to either be talking about something big or we need to be making out.”

I force my eyes open wider.

Bright bright bright bright...

“I let him.”

I can’t take it anymore. It feels like my head is going to explode. I squeeze my eyes shut.

“You know... Have sex. And everything.”

There are dots behind my eyelids.

“It wasn’t so bad, I guess.”

Pink and purple and green and white. Mostly white.

“Everyone has to sometime, right?”

They’re swimming around, fast and slow and in between.

“Three times now. It doesn’t seem like such a big deal anymore, I guess. Last night when I went over there, it was just... You know. Like he expected it. But that’s okay, right?”

I press my fingers into my eyelids. The dots get brighter.

“I guess it doesn’t matter that much. It’s stupid to make a big deal out of it.”

I pull my fingers away. My eyeballs throb.

“Are you okay?”

I open my eyes again. Everything is slightly out of focus. I stare at her.

“X?”

“He’s taking advantage of you,” I say hoarsely, my tongue too thick to form the words. “He knows you’re young. He knows you won’t say no.”

She stares at me.

“That’s how guys work. We’re selfish.”

I stand up and wipe the grass from my shorts.

“But so are you.”

She eyes me silently.

“You get everything you want.”

I pick up my jacket and shrug into it.

“And I may be selfish, but I don’t. I don’t get that.”

My eyes connect with hers.

“All I ever really wanted was you, Alice Creevy.”

I turn around and stare at the sun for a moment.

“Yeah. All I ever wanted was you.”

I spin around and take off running for my car.

* * *

Manuel is staring at the television. Really staring, as if there’s something there beneath the surface of the screen, as if it holds the answer to the question that noone is even brave enough to ask.

“You okay?” I ask him softly.

He doesn’t look up. “She doesn’t understand why I did it.”

“I know.”

“She won’t even talk about it. Like it’s my fault for wanting to protect her.”

I sigh. “But the way that you protected her...”

“That’s the point,” he says, his voice cracking. He turns off the TV and throws the remote to the ground, turning to face me. “It’s the worst... But... I would do it. For her.”

“Why?”

“If you heard them talking about your mother that way... Describing the things they would do to her...” He takes a shaky breath. “You would do it too. A thousand times. To a thousand people. As long as she was spared.”

I nod. Because I understand now. Except for me, it’s different. I wouldn’t do that for my mother. I hardly know my mother.

But I would do it, if I had to.

Even after everything, I would do it.

For Alice.

I would do it a thousand times, for her.