November 27th (even later): That's all, folks

“Amy?” I jog up and fall into step next to her. “Hey.”

She grins up at me. “Hey.”

“Ty and I are meeting for coffee after school... You remember Ty Graham?”

She nods.

“I wondered if you wanted to come. As a friend.” I hold my breath. This is the moment that could fuck up everything. Does she just want to be friends? Or does she think we’re more?

But her face lights up. “That’s so sweet!” She smiles. “Nobody will even talk to me these days. I mean, I know I screwed up pretty bad before I left, but... Forgiveness, you know?” She rolls her eyes.

I laugh. “Exactly. So, are you coming?”

She nods. “Yeah. That sounds good.”

“Good.” I smile, nodding slowly. “That’s good.”

* * *

“Crap-free coffee. This chick will fit in,” Ty remarks, grinning.

Amy laughs. “I never order coffee I can’t pronounce.”

I empty a packet of sugar into my own mug and stir. “I still maintain that it tastes better when you can’t taste it.”

“So have you and Garrett kissed and made up yet?” I ask Ty.

He glances at Amy and raises his eyebrows.

“Garrett Johnson. Ty’s boyfriend. Keep it hush hush, or... I don’t really know what,” I explain.

Amy winks and nods. “Got it.”

Ty sighs. “And I thought I was going to have an excuse not to talk about it.” He stirs his coffee and stares at the table. “It’s stupid, because I’m the one who’s mad at him, and I want it to end. But I guess I’m waiting for him to make the move to end it.”

“If I did that to Alice you’d be kicking me,” I point out.

He shrugs. “I know. I should tell him that I’m not mad, I love him, whatever... Just get things back to normal. But part of me wants to see him grovel.” He looks up at me cautiously. “Is that totally awful of me, or...”

“It makes sense,” Amy interrupts. We both glance at her. “To me, at least. I guess... I mean, you forgive him, but he didn’t really do anything to deserve you forgiving him. So you want him to work for it, even if it’s already there.”

Ty nods. “Exactly.”

“I still think you’re being a dick,” I inform him, shrugging.

He rolls his eyes. “Probably. But it’s a fundamental human right... Everyone gets to be a dick, sometimes.”

I grin, glancing at Amy. “He thinks he’s Confucius or something. But we love him anyway.”

She laughs, smiling down into her coffee. “I missed you,” she says finally, biting her lip. “The way things used to be. Before I fucked everything up.”

“Yeah,” I agree, nodding slowly. “So did I.”

“We were more like friends, then,” she says, peering up at me shyly.

“And that’s good,” Ty interrupts, grinning. “Because the last thing you two need is more sex.”

I kick him under the table. He kicks back. And all three of us are laughing, grinning. It’s not so hard, anymore, to just be happy.

* * *

Ty grips my hand, hard, in his fingers. “You’re a crazy bastard,” he says between gritted teeth. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

I reach out with my free hand and ring the doorbell. “You know, when he sees you gripping my hand like a scared little girl, it probably won’t go over too well...”

“Shut up,” Ty retorts. But he lets go.

Garrett pulls open the door. He looks at me first, then Ty. “Hey,” he says softly.

“X made me come,” Ty says, staring at the ground. “Says that avoiding the situation is a clever... I forget what he said. Something retarded like that.”

Garrett smiles, turning to me. “Thank you,” he mouths. Then he raises his eyebrows. “Do you guys... Want to... You know... Come in?”

I laugh to myself at their mutual awkwardness as Ty shuffles shyly into the house.

Garrett shuts the door behind us, then motions to the couches in the next room. We follow him silently. He sits on the sofa on the left, Ty and I take the one on the right.

They stare nervously at one another for a moment. Then Garrett takes a shaky breath. “Look, I shouldn’t have... You know.” He sighs. “I’m a dickhole, okay? I shouldn’t have pressured you. Or called you afraid. Or... Talked about your father.”

Ty bites his lip.

“It’s not my place to criticize you if you’re not ready,” he says softly. “And... You don’t have to be ready. I’m not going to leave you just because you know what you want.” He forces a smile. “I’d rather just sit around and talk with you than have sex with someone else. You’re... I love you, okay? That’s bigger than sex.”

Ty looks up at him, then glances at me. “This is so awkward.”

I laugh awkwardly. “Sorry. I’ll go.”

But Ty shakes his head, grabbing my arm. “No. Stay.” He pulls me back down. “Please.” He sighs, turning back to Garrett. “I know you didn’t mean it. You were drinking, and you were upset... Things happen, you know?” He bites his lip. “I just wish... You made me feel so stupid, you know? Like some little kid.”

“You’re not --” Garrett interrupts, but Ty shushes him.

“I guess I was worried that you would think I was immature, for not wanting to have sex with you, and then when you accused me of being ‘fake gay’ or whatever... It hurt.” He shrugs. “I felt like you thought I wasn’t good enough, just because I wasn’t ready to sleep with you.”

Garrett sighs. “God, man, I would never have... I can’t believe I said that shit. It was wrong. I was wrong. You were just being you, as in you, as in the person I love the most in the world and... I was stupid, to not accept that.” He bites his lip. “If you’re not ready, that’s okay. I love you. Sex or not.”

Ty smiles weakly. “Yeah. I know.”

I stare at my hands. “See, y’all are so sweet when you make up. Honestly. Someday you’ll have killer make up sex.”

Ty pegs a throw pillow at me. “You are such an asshole.”

But he’s smiling. And I think he’ll be okay.

* * *

“Go away,” she says tiredly.

I stick my foot in the door. She slams it anyway. “Shit, Alice!”

“I warned you,” she says, smiling sweetly. “Really, X. Go away. It’s just annoying now. I’m sick of it. Good-bye.”

“Remember when we were younger, and we fought all the time?” I say suddenly.

She stares at me warily through the crack in the door, but she doesn’t try to close it.

“The teachers used to have to tear us off of each other. We were always fighting. Pulling hair. Crying. Name calling.”

And I can see it in her eyes. She’s remembering.

“And then we got older, and it was less hair pulling and scratching and more words. Just words. And it was worse. We stayed mad longer.” I bite my lip. “But eventually, we’d make up. Eventually.”

She crosses her arms. I push the door open slowly, cautiously. It creaks on its hinges.

“I never told you about a lot of things. You never told me about a lot of things. We kept secrets. We were each afraid... Of what the other one would say.”

Alice shakes her head. “If this is just your way of trying to get me...”

“No!” I protest quickly. “Let me finish, okay?”

She nods reluctantly.

“We kept secrets. Because when we got into fights, we would say things we didn’t mean and... Some things were precious. Some things were sacred. So we kept the sacred things secret.”

She bites her lip. Nods. She knows it’s true.

“But we found plenty to scream about, anyway. Plenty of things to hurt one another with.” I step inside, slowly pull the door shut. “We always seemed to be fighting. We grew up fighting. But maybe... Maybe that tension was what kept us friends.”

“X, stop,” she says gently. But I shake my head.

“After Amy and I broke up... I guess I started to notice you. As more than a friend. And I think you noticed that I noticed you. I think you liked it. And when I found out about Henry.... It hurt. Because I was jealous of him, maybe. Also because I was afraid he would hurt you. But most of it was just me being jealous. And I’m sorry.”

She nods. She knew that already.

“When you asked me... To be a father... I didn’t know what to say. One minute I thought I could handle it, the next minute I had no idea how to do that. And when I found out everything about your father... When you filled in all the gaps, told me as fact what I think I had always guessed.... I was scared. That you were going to expect that of me. And it hurt... That you did.”

She closes her eyes. Sits down cautiously on the stairs.

“I was angry at you. That you would expect me to be like your father. But the more I thought about it... The more I realized that I was afraid I would be like my father. Both of us got screwed in the father department. To us... A father was someone who tore you apart.” I shrug. “That wasn’t what I wanted.”

Alice bites her lip. Massages her temples with her fingertips.

“I was angry with you, and with myself. Amy came back to town. We’d just had a fight. I took her out. I swore we weren’t even going to kiss. But I think I knew all along what was really going to happen. I think I expected it.” I sigh. “Wanted it, even.”

She cringes.

“I think I wanted to do to you... What you did to me. With Henry. Except it’s not the same, at all. I know that now. I knew that then. But love... It makes you do crazy things.” I sigh. “Stupid things.”

She nods slowly, her eyes still squeezed tightly shut.

“I swore that I didn’t care about you. That it didn’t matter. But then... When I heard that you had lit the Knoll on fire... That you had almost died...” I lean against the wall, almost drained of energy just by the thought of what could have happened. “I couldn’t believe that I had made you do that. It was so frightening to know... That you cared about what I did that much.”

Alice wraps her arms around herself, burying her face in the crook of an elbow.

“They wouldn’t let me see you. I went crazy. I didn’t know if you were okay. If the baby was okay. I was worried. Really worried. I was scared, too, and heartbroken and angry and guilty.” I sigh. “I tried to jump off the overpass.”

She knew that already. But she gasps anyway.

“I guess I’m lucky, that Ty came looking for me, that Garrett pulled me back. Because it would have been so stupid for me to die... Without having the chance to say that I’m sorry.”

She picks up her head and opens her eyes. Stares at me. She’s crying.

“I hurt you. I know I hurt you. And you hurt me. We both know that. And... I just want us to be okay again. To be... Us again.”

She nods. Slowly.

“A few days ago... Ty was saying that I had better make up with you, because I needed you. I told him I didn’t need anyone. Denial, I guess.” I laugh softly. “But then he said... That we need each other. Because I don’t understand myself. I don’t know when I’m testing you. I don’t know when I want you to go and when I want you to stay, or whether or not I’m happy or sad or angry or some jumbled up mix of all of it. And because you don’t know yourself, either. Not as well as I know you.”

She bites her lip. Looks up at me. Her eyes are swollen and red.

“I’m sorry, Alice. I’m sorry, and I need you, and.... You’re all I’ve got to lose, and I’m afraid that I did.”

She forces a smile, tears racing down her cheeks. “I must look so stupid to you, right now.”

I shake my head. “You look beautiful,” I whisper.

“I’m starting to show,” she whispers, putting a hand on her stomach. “I look fat and ugly and I’m crying and I hurt you so bad and --”

I crouch down. Press a finger to her lips. “You’re gorgeous,” I whisper.

She shakes her head. I smile. Pull my finger away. Replace it with my lips.

It’s like electricity is racing through my entire body. She brings a hand to be the back of my head. Runs it through my hair. I shiver. And then I pull away.

“Do you want to know....” She bites her lip. “What happened?”

“What?” I ask softly.

“On July seventeenth,” she explains.

I stare at her. I don’t know what to say. Don’t know what she wants me to say.

“My mother made dinner, as always,” she begins, her voice shaking. “Fish. It was fish.” She swallows, takes a deep breath. “My father... He found a bone in his. It cut the inside of his mouth. He just stared at her. At both of us. I was thirteen, then. I knew what was next.”

I close my eyes. My knees are straining from crouching for so long. But I don’t dare move.

“He stood up. Threw the plate at her. It flew an inch above her head. Shattered against the wall. She was crying. Screaming at him not to do it in front of me, please not in front of Alice. But he didn’t listen. He was angry. He kept spitting on her. Blood and fish and anger. She grabbed a rolling pin. Told him not to get any closer. Told him she was sick of it.” I open my eyes. She’s trembling. I reach out and grab her hand.

“He wrenched it out of her hand. It was quick. He didn’t hit her in the head – I guess he was afraid he’d kill her. He hit her in the stomach. Once. Twice. Three times. She was sobbing. I screamed at him that he was going to kill her. He swung again, higher. She doubled over, screaming. She started coughing. Blood came out. I was shrieking. Grabbing for his arm. He kept hitting her – her arm, this time, over and over. You could her it every time he broke a bone.”

I stare at her. Hardly able to speak. Hardly able to believe that this is the kind of thing she went through. The kind of secret that she kept.

“And then he stood back and just looked. He started crying. Telling her he didn’t mean it. That she’d have to go in the hospital. Have to say she fell off a horse. And I just looked at him and I went crazy. I couldn’t stop screaming, just yelling and yelling and screaming myself hoarse...” Her voice is louder, now, but still quaking. “I grabbed the rolling pin. Hit him in the stomach with it. But I aimed wrong. It hit him at an odd angle... He hardly even flinched.”

I squeeze her hand, biting my lip. I can feel what’s coming next.

“He told me I was crazy. A crazy whore like my mother. He grabbed the rolling pin out of my hands, threw it behind me. And then he punched me. I can still remember how it felt when his knuckles collided with my face... My nose started spurting blood. It was broken, I guess. But I hardly felt it. Just stared at him. Stared at my mother, still curled up in a ball on the floor. And he stared at me. His face was red. His eyes were flashing. But then... His whole face softened. He started crying. Cradled my face in his hands. Knelt down beside my mother, rubbed her cheek with his fingers. Whispered his apologies.”

I close my eyes.

“It was the only time he ever hit me. He drove us to the hospital, crying and apologizing all the way. He dropped us off, said he’d be right in once he was parked. My mother stumbled inside with her arm around my shoulders.”

I nod. Because I remember, now. Alice’s broken nose. Her defeated smile at school the next day when she told me the news.

“He never came in. And he never came back. That was the last time I ever saw my father.”

I shake my head slowly, opening my eyes. She’s crying harder than I’ve ever seen her. I grab her other hand. Squeeze it. She looks into my eyes, her own eyes incredibly swollen and red. Tears are streaming down her cheeks. I reach up and brush them away.

And then I kiss her.

It’s gentle, soft. She’s still shaking. Still crying. But she pulls me closer. Wraps her arm around me like she never wants to let me go.

Eventually I pull away. She shakes her head. “No...” she protests softly.

“Shh.” I smile. Reach into my pocket. Fumble around.

Slowly, I drop onto one knee.

“Oh my god,” she whispers, biting back a smile. “Oh my god, X... X...”

I open the box. It’s just a simple ring. I don’t know if it’s even real gold. I just bought what I could afford. No shiny price tag. No sparkling diamonds. Just simple.

She gasps. Reaches for it, her hands trembling. Slides it onto her fingers and holds it up to catch the sunlight streaming in through the windows.

“It’s beautiful,” she whispers. Awed.

“You’re beautiful,” I murmur, pressing my lips against her ear.

She sighs. Wraps her arms around me. Pulls me close. “I love you so much,” she mumbles.

“I know,” I say softly, gripping her tighter. “Sometimes I even love me, too.”