November 10th: Play the Fool
“You’re right.”
It’s the last thing I would have expected. But it’s just what I wanted to hear.
“I’m using you. I’m using you, big time, because I... I want you to still be there, if this doesn’t work out.”
Her voice is so earnest, so vulnerable.
“X, I fuck everything up... Everything... And you’re the only one who doesn’t seem to care.”
I want to say something. But I don’t know what to say. My mind is too jumbled to find the words I want.
“I fucked up big, this time.”
I’m silent.
“I think I’m so stupid, not to realize... That what we have, it’s so much more important than Henry.”
I wind the cord around my finger.
“And I still... I hope you still...” She pauses. “You know. Just don’t give up on me, okay?”
I nod. “Yeah,” I whisper. “Okay.”
I gently replace the phone in its cradle. And then I sigh.
* * *
“Am I really that stupid?”
Ty shrugs, throwing a sock at the ceiling, resting his head on my pillow. “You’re not stupid. You’re just... Easily persuaded.”
“I’m a sucker,” I say drily.
“Well yeah, that’s part of it.” He leans over the side of the bed to retrieve his balled-up footwear. “But only for Alice. That’s something, right?”
I groan. “No. She’s the only one who matters. She gets me more angry with her than anything and then she somehow gets me to feel bad about it. Like it’s my fault that she manipulates me and uses me and has me wrapped around her little finger like –“
“She’s crazy about you,” he interrupts.
I stare at him. “What?”
Ty sits up, laughing. “That girl is crazy in love with you. You did realize that, didn’t you?”
“She’s sleeping with Henry,” I remind him.
He shrugs. “So?”
“So if she were madly in love with me, wouldn’t I be the one in her bed?”
He rolls his eyes and falls back, chuckling to himself.
I pick up a shoe off the ground and chuck it at his stomach. “What?”
“When are you going to realize,” he asks the ceiling, “that who you sleep with has pretty much nothing to do with who you love?”
* * *
I yank a piece of paper from my English binder and scribble a note on it. You okay?
Alice stares at me with bloodshot eyes. We need to talk.
I look up at the front of the room, where Henry sits at his desk, grading papers. Are you okay? Did something happen? I toss the note on her desk before I give in to the urge to write Did he hurt you????.
Alice shakes her head. Later. I can’t do this right now.
Is it about Henry?
She sighs. Kind of. Once I’ve read it, she grabs the paper back. But it’s more about you.
That’s when I stop breathing.
* * *
Ty leans back in his chair, tipping the front legs off the ground. “Wow. What do you think it is?”
“I don’t know,” I sigh, sipping my coffee. “Ugh. I thought I said sugar.” I grab a powder blue packet from the ceramic container at the end of the table and empty its contents into my cup.
Ty folds his hands. “How did she look?”
“Tired,” I reply, stirring my coffee with a spoon. “Really tired. The kind of tired people our age shouldn’t be.”
“Maybe she’s breaking up with him,” he suggests.
I shake my head. “It wasn’t that kind of tired. Besides, she said it was mostly about me.” I cradle my cup in my hands. “It doesn’t make any sense. What about her has something to do with both of us?”
“You’ve got me,” he says, shrugging. He leans forward, his chair legs banging against the ground. “Look, dude... You remember Garrett, right?”
I nod. “Sure. Good guy. I think he’s kind of... I don’t know, though. Something about him seems off. Why?”
But Ty is staring at me oddly. “Really? You don’t like him?”
“Well, like I said, he’s a good guy. Really good,” I add. “But I don’t know. Why? Is he okay?” I raise my eyebrows.
“Yeah, he’s fine. Never mind.”
I lean forward. “No, really. What is it?”
“Nothing.” He shrugs, laughing lightly. “Really, dude. Forget I asked.”
“You sure he’s alright?”
Ty nods. “Positive.”
“Okay. Whatever.” I take a swig of coffee. “Did you catch the game last night?”
* * *
“What... Why are you here?”
Mari stares up at me, then looks out at the sky. It always seems bluer, from the Knoll. Spread out forever against the green grass, stretching on for miles. “This was my place, a long time ago,” she says after a moment. “I haven’t come back since...”
“I guess.” I sit down next to her. “So, you’re a girl. Explain your kind to me. Slowly. Speak into the tape recorder.”
She swats my shoulder. “Something up with Alice?”
“She has news.” I lie back. “When a girl suddenly looks tired and says she has news, you know, major emphasis on the word, what does that mean?”
“It depends,” Mari says, shrugging.
“What if when she says it, she looks really tired, and her eyes are bloodshot, and she won’t talk about it until you’re in private?”
She smiles. “I think you should just wait. She’ll tell you when she’s ready.”
“But what if she’s never ready?”
Mari rolls her eyes. “That girl loves, you, Xavier. She’ll tell you soon enough.”
* * *
Mari has to go back to work, but I stay at the Knoll for an hour or two, just staring at the sky.
I don’t know why I do the things I do. Sometimes I’m just so simple that I want to kick myself. I let Alice walk all over me. I think I like how Alice walks all over me. I’m just afraid that if I didn’t let her, she would walk away. And as stupid as it sounds, that would just kill me.
It’s like, ever since grade school, there she’s been. Always pushing me around, always taking advantage, but always there. And it’s like she knows everyone, and everyone that I know I only know because of her. Since I was seven years old, I’ve always been “X, Alice Creevy’s friend”. I think without her, I would lose my identity. Not to mention my best friend.
But is that really a good reason to let her make me miserable?
And then there’s the matter of this “news”. If the world is the way I wish it is, the news would be that she’s breaking up with Henry to go out with me. But I know it’s not. I know that’s dreaming, wishful thinking. Alice doesn’t like me. She certainly doesn’t love me. Not that way, anyway. She kissed me so I’d stick around. I know that. Everyone knows that.
So the news is probably something bad. For me, at least. Something terrible, even. Something that will make me want to crawl inside myself and disappear. And do I really need that in my life, right now? Any more than it already is? But I would never be able to live with myself, if I left her to deal with some horrible news alone.
I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to stick around and be her doormat for the rest of the year. But I don’t want to lose her. I just want her to treat me better. Treat me like a human being. I just want her to quit manipulating me. I just want her to tell me the truth.
* * *
There are six messages on the answering machine when I get home. One is the dentist, reminding us of Manuel’s appointment tomorrow. The other five are Ty.
Beep.
“Thought you’d be home by now, man. Um, call me? If you can?”
Beep.
“Um, Ty again. You’re okay, right? Call me...”
Beep.
“Uh, I hate to keep bothering you... I just don’t know who else to call, really. You need a cell phone, dude... Ring me back.”
Beep.
“Look, I really don’t want to tell this to your answering machine. Please just call me? It’s seven o’clock, man. Where the hell are you?”
Beep
“Seven thirty. That’s cool, I guess. Um, look, if you could... Can you come to the hospital? Traigville South... The ICU lobby? Um, yeah. Whenever you get this.”
I grab my coat from the kitchen table and bolt out the door.
* * *
“Holy shit, Ty.”
He looks up at me from the lavender chair and tries to smile. His lip is busted and one of his eyes is swollen shut. “You came.”
“You gave me a fucking heart attack, man.” I sit down next to him. “What happened?”
He shrugs. “Later, okay?”
“Okay,” I agree, reluctantly. “But... Why the ICU? You just needed stitches, right?”
He manages a tiny laugh. “Yeah, they took care of that in the ER... I wasn’t the only one.”
“Did you get in an accident?” I stare at him, horrified. “Ty, what happened? You’re scaring the shit out of me.”
He exhales slowly through his nose and laughs softly. “Wasn’t any accident, man.”
“Then what happened?”
Ty shakes his head. “Some guys... Outside the mall. I guess they saw us... We weren’t really being...” He flinches. “Discreet.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
A woman in scrubs walks over to us and smiles. “You’re here for Garrett Johnson, I suppose?”
I inhale sharply. Ty nods.
“What’s your relation to the victim?” she asks gently.
Ty looks at me for a second out of his good eye, then turns his gaze back to the woman.
“I’m his boyfriend.”
Oh.
Suddenly I get it.
Shit.
It’s the last thing I would have expected. But it’s just what I wanted to hear.
“I’m using you. I’m using you, big time, because I... I want you to still be there, if this doesn’t work out.”
Her voice is so earnest, so vulnerable.
“X, I fuck everything up... Everything... And you’re the only one who doesn’t seem to care.”
I want to say something. But I don’t know what to say. My mind is too jumbled to find the words I want.
“I fucked up big, this time.”
I’m silent.
“I think I’m so stupid, not to realize... That what we have, it’s so much more important than Henry.”
I wind the cord around my finger.
“And I still... I hope you still...” She pauses. “You know. Just don’t give up on me, okay?”
I nod. “Yeah,” I whisper. “Okay.”
I gently replace the phone in its cradle. And then I sigh.
“Am I really that stupid?”
Ty shrugs, throwing a sock at the ceiling, resting his head on my pillow. “You’re not stupid. You’re just... Easily persuaded.”
“I’m a sucker,” I say drily.
“Well yeah, that’s part of it.” He leans over the side of the bed to retrieve his balled-up footwear. “But only for Alice. That’s something, right?”
I groan. “No. She’s the only one who matters. She gets me more angry with her than anything and then she somehow gets me to feel bad about it. Like it’s my fault that she manipulates me and uses me and has me wrapped around her little finger like –“
“She’s crazy about you,” he interrupts.
I stare at him. “What?”
Ty sits up, laughing. “That girl is crazy in love with you. You did realize that, didn’t you?”
“She’s sleeping with Henry,” I remind him.
He shrugs. “So?”
“So if she were madly in love with me, wouldn’t I be the one in her bed?”
He rolls his eyes and falls back, chuckling to himself.
I pick up a shoe off the ground and chuck it at his stomach. “What?”
“When are you going to realize,” he asks the ceiling, “that who you sleep with has pretty much nothing to do with who you love?”
I yank a piece of paper from my English binder and scribble a note on it. You okay?
Alice stares at me with bloodshot eyes. We need to talk.
I look up at the front of the room, where Henry sits at his desk, grading papers. Are you okay? Did something happen? I toss the note on her desk before I give in to the urge to write Did he hurt you????.
Alice shakes her head. Later. I can’t do this right now.
Is it about Henry?
She sighs. Kind of. Once I’ve read it, she grabs the paper back. But it’s more about you.
That’s when I stop breathing.
Ty leans back in his chair, tipping the front legs off the ground. “Wow. What do you think it is?”
“I don’t know,” I sigh, sipping my coffee. “Ugh. I thought I said sugar.” I grab a powder blue packet from the ceramic container at the end of the table and empty its contents into my cup.
Ty folds his hands. “How did she look?”
“Tired,” I reply, stirring my coffee with a spoon. “Really tired. The kind of tired people our age shouldn’t be.”
“Maybe she’s breaking up with him,” he suggests.
I shake my head. “It wasn’t that kind of tired. Besides, she said it was mostly about me.” I cradle my cup in my hands. “It doesn’t make any sense. What about her has something to do with both of us?”
“You’ve got me,” he says, shrugging. He leans forward, his chair legs banging against the ground. “Look, dude... You remember Garrett, right?”
I nod. “Sure. Good guy. I think he’s kind of... I don’t know, though. Something about him seems off. Why?”
But Ty is staring at me oddly. “Really? You don’t like him?”
“Well, like I said, he’s a good guy. Really good,” I add. “But I don’t know. Why? Is he okay?” I raise my eyebrows.
“Yeah, he’s fine. Never mind.”
I lean forward. “No, really. What is it?”
“Nothing.” He shrugs, laughing lightly. “Really, dude. Forget I asked.”
“You sure he’s alright?”
Ty nods. “Positive.”
“Okay. Whatever.” I take a swig of coffee. “Did you catch the game last night?”
“What... Why are you here?”
Mari stares up at me, then looks out at the sky. It always seems bluer, from the Knoll. Spread out forever against the green grass, stretching on for miles. “This was my place, a long time ago,” she says after a moment. “I haven’t come back since...”
“I guess.” I sit down next to her. “So, you’re a girl. Explain your kind to me. Slowly. Speak into the tape recorder.”
She swats my shoulder. “Something up with Alice?”
“She has news.” I lie back. “When a girl suddenly looks tired and says she has news, you know, major emphasis on the word, what does that mean?”
“It depends,” Mari says, shrugging.
“What if when she says it, she looks really tired, and her eyes are bloodshot, and she won’t talk about it until you’re in private?”
She smiles. “I think you should just wait. She’ll tell you when she’s ready.”
“But what if she’s never ready?”
Mari rolls her eyes. “That girl loves, you, Xavier. She’ll tell you soon enough.”
Mari has to go back to work, but I stay at the Knoll for an hour or two, just staring at the sky.
I don’t know why I do the things I do. Sometimes I’m just so simple that I want to kick myself. I let Alice walk all over me. I think I like how Alice walks all over me. I’m just afraid that if I didn’t let her, she would walk away. And as stupid as it sounds, that would just kill me.
It’s like, ever since grade school, there she’s been. Always pushing me around, always taking advantage, but always there. And it’s like she knows everyone, and everyone that I know I only know because of her. Since I was seven years old, I’ve always been “X, Alice Creevy’s friend”. I think without her, I would lose my identity. Not to mention my best friend.
But is that really a good reason to let her make me miserable?
And then there’s the matter of this “news”. If the world is the way I wish it is, the news would be that she’s breaking up with Henry to go out with me. But I know it’s not. I know that’s dreaming, wishful thinking. Alice doesn’t like me. She certainly doesn’t love me. Not that way, anyway. She kissed me so I’d stick around. I know that. Everyone knows that.
So the news is probably something bad. For me, at least. Something terrible, even. Something that will make me want to crawl inside myself and disappear. And do I really need that in my life, right now? Any more than it already is? But I would never be able to live with myself, if I left her to deal with some horrible news alone.
I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to stick around and be her doormat for the rest of the year. But I don’t want to lose her. I just want her to treat me better. Treat me like a human being. I just want her to quit manipulating me. I just want her to tell me the truth.
There are six messages on the answering machine when I get home. One is the dentist, reminding us of Manuel’s appointment tomorrow. The other five are Ty.
Beep.
“Thought you’d be home by now, man. Um, call me? If you can?”
Beep.
“Um, Ty again. You’re okay, right? Call me...”
Beep.
“Uh, I hate to keep bothering you... I just don’t know who else to call, really. You need a cell phone, dude... Ring me back.”
Beep.
“Look, I really don’t want to tell this to your answering machine. Please just call me? It’s seven o’clock, man. Where the hell are you?”
Beep
“Seven thirty. That’s cool, I guess. Um, look, if you could... Can you come to the hospital? Traigville South... The ICU lobby? Um, yeah. Whenever you get this.”
I grab my coat from the kitchen table and bolt out the door.
“Holy shit, Ty.”
He looks up at me from the lavender chair and tries to smile. His lip is busted and one of his eyes is swollen shut. “You came.”
“You gave me a fucking heart attack, man.” I sit down next to him. “What happened?”
He shrugs. “Later, okay?”
“Okay,” I agree, reluctantly. “But... Why the ICU? You just needed stitches, right?”
He manages a tiny laugh. “Yeah, they took care of that in the ER... I wasn’t the only one.”
“Did you get in an accident?” I stare at him, horrified. “Ty, what happened? You’re scaring the shit out of me.”
He exhales slowly through his nose and laughs softly. “Wasn’t any accident, man.”
“Then what happened?”
Ty shakes his head. “Some guys... Outside the mall. I guess they saw us... We weren’t really being...” He flinches. “Discreet.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
A woman in scrubs walks over to us and smiles. “You’re here for Garrett Johnson, I suppose?”
I inhale sharply. Ty nods.
“What’s your relation to the victim?” she asks gently.
Ty looks at me for a second out of his good eye, then turns his gaze back to the woman.
“I’m his boyfriend.”
Oh.
Suddenly I get it.
Shit.
posted by Angel at 12:01 PM
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